Man needing women's advice, please! I've fallen for someone at work and i don't know what to do...

[JRJC1182]

So, I would like some help here about a woman i think I am in love with and I don’t know where to start. Yes, i am a man but I feel the need for some neutral opinions and i would respect any comments from women as you might be able to help me see how this girl I have fallen for is feeling.

The woman i think i love i actually work at the same company with (though not in the same team). I first saw her nearly a year ago and got butterflies immediately, I also realised she wore a wedding ring and so thought nothing of it. However, months later I was walking to the bus stop after work and although i knew she was a good thirty seconds behind me, i didn’t stop as we’d never spoken. But she definitely ran to catch me up then stopped, said hello and we talked all the way into town, and she gave me a lingering look as we parted. Again, i thought nothing.

Not long after we started emailing (about a work thing) which then turned social and became almost a daily exchange. Nothing flirty at all i should add. But i began to suspect she may be separated which was then confirmed a while later, and sure enough i noticed she was no longer wearing her ring. The emails increased as did the odd chat in person and i found we got on amazingly well with the same interests in everything, and we’d always chat excitedly about all sorts. No numbers had been exchanged still. Then this summer, we were chatting and she suggested a drink after work, only for an hour. We ended up being out for over four and briefly held hands in the pub. She told me her marriage had been over for a year but had continued to wear her ring whilst they were still in a bit of contact. We bumped into friends of hers after and upon hearing my name, her friend asked “is this from work”, which interested me; she’d obviously said something.

Weeks later, against my better judgement, i asked her out but was kindly refused and told dating is the furthest thing from her mind, which i understand. but i admit to being incredibly disappointed. The emails continued for a bit but have tailed off and i now try and avoid talking to her, mainly out of self-preservation, but i imagine she’ll think I am ignoring her/dislike her, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time I see or hear her voice my stomach flips, and i just want to just tell her now how i feel and get it off my chest, as it’s really getting me down. We still have moments at work when we have lingering looks etc but i don’t know how to play this one. Any advice is most appreiciated. I can’t get her out of my head. Sorry the monologue is so wordy :|)

Hard to say. If i asked someone out for a drink, had a lovely time and then they didn't return the favour, i'd assume they weren't that keen. I'd probably be using the 'don't make someone your priority, when for them you are just an option' line on myself.

You've really no idea whether she just likes you as a friend or whether she was hoping for more and is now protecting herself. I think i would try to continue to chat, provided it felt natural and not flogging like a dead horse, and see if things start to feel more romantic.

I'll try and answer you from the perspective of a woman working in a very male environment:

As a global rule, I don't date my colleagues. Yes, of course, there have been some that I've fancied over the years and one I was properly falling for. I'd still turn them down. It would be tremendously inappropriate for me to date my managers or someone who works for me, and the business I'm in means I invariably end up crossing paths with even the equally ranked ones every once in a while. I can't afford to cross the professional boundaries between us - however much I might want to.

There's also the fact that making friends with and going for drinks with male colleagues is a bit of a tricky affair. If I had a penny for each time a man at work misread the signs and thought a friendly chat and a bit of venting was a date, I'd be a very rich woman indeed. It's very awkward when it happens and it damages your self-image as a professional.

What complicates matters is that, IME, some men seem to believe that access to women should be some kind of an equal opportunities thing. One of my employees had this happen to her after going on a couple of proper dates with a colleague, which didn't result in anything further. Except that she was then asked out by half the department, which made her very uncomfortable. I ended up giving a serious dressing down to two junior male colleagues after overhearing them talking about her.

I know a lot of people meet their partners at work, and if it happens for someone I'm happy for them. It's also something that's incredibly risky for women in business. So if you really like her, let her dictate the pace.

I agree with the others. She has said no to a date. I'd move on with other people and keep it friendly at work but professional

I remember myself after my long-term relationship ended and how I appreciated just friendly chat with another person, maybe even male perspective on things. So she might not be ready for the new venture, needs some time to restore herself before she can trust someone new.

I wonder what she'd make out of you saying to her how you feel... I'm not advising it. She could be completely unaware of your turmoil, or respond in a way which can kill all your hope and distance herself from you even further- so these are the risks. Or you can carry on your correspondence/acquaintance, hope to get to know her and her situation a bit better, just be a friend if you can. But if you really can't wait to get it off your chest - then be brave enough for any poss.reponse.

Having said all that, just like CountFosco above said, if I were, say, attracted to a man and was the first to ask him out (like she did) and he responded in kind only WEEKS later, I might be quite pissed off and thought "slow, unreliable type, or simply not that into me. waste of time"

In my experience, when men are really interested, they'll get you from underground, even the shy ones, so lack of contact/procrastination are usually the signs of no attraction.