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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good marriage, why am I so unhappy?

26 replies

HolyCowBell · 15/08/2018 22:17

I am married, nigh on 20 years now. Kids, house, car, lots of hard times,some pretty good ones too.I love him in the sense that we have history and know each other well and I'm hoping that is enough to carry us through.
But I'm so unhappy. I have never found him particularly sexually attractive, I made the decision to marry him for friendship reasons,and really I tolerate sex rather than anything else. We get on very well,and I feel like a total shit for feeling like this.

You are probably not going to be surprised to hear that I have some really strong feelings for someone else. To be clear,I have no intention of acting on these feelings, but it has made me really aware of the difference between being sexually attracted to someone and not being attracted like that at all.

I'm expecting a ton of bricks from you all for being such a loser,but if any of you could give me any advice about how to move forward I would appreciate it. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Sailinghappy · 15/08/2018 22:22

Life really is too short - be honest and let him move on and find someone who loves him!! Then feel free to do the same yourself. Be happy and live your best life ❤️

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2018 22:26

You’re not a loser. And if you’re not happy then your marriage isn’t happy.

You don’t need to justify the decision to end it. You know you settled and you’ve now got an idea of what you’ve been missing.

It’s okay to feel like that.

Don’t complicate things by getting involved with the other person but do use this as an opportunity to step back and think about what you want the next 20 years to look and feel like.

How old are your children?

Changedname3456 · 15/08/2018 23:31

I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to find out you “settled” and now want out.

Sorry, but I think you do deserve to feel a bit shit about it and he’s likely to feel very hurt and used when you finally get round to telling him. If you want an idea of how he’s going to feel then just read any one of the countless “he’s told me today that he doesn’t love me anymore” threads on this site.

Having said all that, if you really don’t find him attractive and are starting to resent the situation then yes, own up to your feelings and end things. He deserves that much from you.

dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 00:05

Well everyone says that if you have feelings for someone else you should consider your marriage, work on it if you want to....
Or end it, be single for a while, and THEN consider another relationship

Too many stories on here get it jumbled (ie end in affairs). You sound like you could actually do the right thing.

Have you really never found him attractive? Is there any aspect of retrospect which might be intervening in your judgment of that (especially given that there's someone else in the picture).

If you really never have or will find him sexually attractive them to be honest you both deserve the opportunity to be with someone where that feeling is mutual

I'm sure you will break his heart, and you will feel guilty. There is probably no way of avoiding that. He is likely to feel quite betrayed if he finds out you settled, basically. But it isn't going to be an easier scenario in 2 years time or after an affair!

Mytwistedimagination · 16/08/2018 06:29

Why has this come to the fore now, after so long? Have you had any big life changes? Or suddenly become aware that someone else fancies you and want to take advantage of the situation because you are stuck in a rut? Thus now playing down any feelings you must have had for dh 20 years ago...

I think the key to moving forward is to analyze exactly how you felt years ago when you got married. Did you feel like you were just settling all those years ago? I'm assuming there was noone available to you at the time who you thought was better? If that's the case, I think you have a case of the eternal 'I could do better' attitude which some people suffer from when life is in a rut. Of course we'd all love to experience that exciting new sexual attraction every so often, but where does it end? You break up this marriage, possibly find someone else, and feel the same another 20/10/5 years down the line? You need to be brutally honest with yourself about your motivation for marrying, and how your feelings have changed over the years. I find it difficult to believe that you haven't been attracted to anyone at all over the past 20 years, which is why this has a bit of a mid life crisis feel.

Rednaxela · 16/08/2018 06:31

There was an AMA about an open marriage recently. Worth a read OP?

enoughisenough2 · 16/08/2018 06:33

You’ve already wasted 20 years!!! At least you’ve had a good relationship not an abusive one however follow your heart .

madcatladyforever · 16/08/2018 06:35

You have to think very carefully about lust for someone else.
Are you ready to give up your home, your money, split your family, spend you old age alone for a bit of sexual desire that will probably not amount to anything.
I married the love of my life who I actually found sexually attractive for once and he shat on me, spent all my money and left.
It can all end so badly.
Surely it would be better to try and work on your marriage, go to counselling go on holiday alone to try and spark a bit of attraction before giving up.
The dream of finding true love with someone else is usually just that a dream.

ems137 · 16/08/2018 06:53

Life is too short to be unhappy. Is this how you want the next 20 years to be like? If not then leave him.

Notmany · 16/08/2018 07:12

OP this a very sad situation and not one I would describe as a good marriage. If really true you have been lying to your poor dh for 20 years. Unless you are prepared to continue the lie for another 20 then you need to end it or find a way to really love this man who has given you 20 years of his life based on a lie. If you do end it it won't be easy and people (not just dh) will be disappointed in you, but that is the situation you've created I'm afraid and the sticking plaster will hurt when it is ripped off.

ginandbearit · 16/08/2018 07:14

An ex of mine is in this situation ...v long marriage , both in well paid careers , two grown up children ...absolutely no sex for years as husband basically withdrew from it .
Wife has had a couple of lovers in the past few years and has also put a lot of time into a very active and demanding sport , where she met someone also married, they had an affair .
When i asked her if she would leave her husband she was quite taken aback ..she saw a long future with him into retirement and pottering about the garden etc (they go on holiday together and have a v respectable mc lifestyle) ..the shared history and affection bound them more than the lack of romance /sex which she found elsewhere . Just an illustration of how I suspect many people lead their lives in middle age .

mummmy2017 · 16/08/2018 07:17

Just remember that the green grass could be painted on.
I know someone who did this worked it up in her mind as the big love story, lasted 2 weeks, he was a player...
When it comes down too it look at what you could lose. Your children. Family, friends lifestyle. To live in a rented one room flat with no one.

BloodyDisgrace · 16/08/2018 10:40

I wonder what you thought when you married your husband. That he's "safe", "won't hurt you"? A sort of second best? But no one deserves to be thought of as second best, and, I'm sure, your husband doesn't see himself this way either.

I guess it;s about managing your expectations. You husband delivered: you've got a good life. Perhaps it's your turn now to stick to your part of the contract and not to hurt him?

Sexual affection for someone else while you are married happens, it's quite normal and not necesseraly a sign of a huge problem, but then it passes. "Amazing sex" lasts a few months and then it's back to the familiar, usual same old, so I wouldn't say it's worth breaking up a family, losing everything for a few exciting months with a new person (who'll become "old" soon)

KateGrey · 16/08/2018 10:43

I’m in a similar position though there isn’t anyone else. We’ve been through some tough times and I’m a carer for our children who both have disabilities. I’m also nearly 40 and feel a lot of regrets around the things I haven’t done that my dh isn’t interested in doing.

I’d say be prepared that life might not be as rosy on the other side.

Original poster
HolyCowBell · 16/08/2018 12:02

Thanksyou for responding.My husband knew I was settling when we married. He didn't mind and said he was sure we could make it work,and we have to a very large degree.
When I say I have no intention of acting on the feelings I have I mean it.I know that it wouldn't be remotely worth it to mess everyone's life up. No,definitely not. It's just highlighted to me how little there is of that in my relationship.
I want to be happy where I am,I don't want to go searching for it elsewhere. I'm not asking for permission to cheat on him or an excuse to leave. I'd like to save my marriage rather than demolishing it.

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 16/08/2018 12:12

No-one stays that sexually attractive after decades. We say on these boards that lust kills relationships, so best to control the urges.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2018 12:47

No-one stays that sexually attractive after decades

Some people do. And OP has said she never felt that way about her husband.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 14:19

You settled.
You've never found your DH sexually attractive.
You've lived a half life for 20 years.
Why?
Why do you believe this is all you deserve?

Look..... My sister died in her mid 40's
How would you feel if it was to all be over in the next few years?
You'd bloody kick yourself.

You get one shot. Life is short and can be cruel.
But why be cruel to yourself!?
Sorry but I just don't get why you would keep just 'settling'.
Surely you deserve more?

Trinity66 · 16/08/2018 15:06

I think it was really unfair of you to marry him when you weren't even attracted to him, that's a pretty bad deception. I know if I found out that my DH had never been attracted to me and only "tolerated" sex for all the years we were together I would be so unbelievably hurt and angry that he married me in the first place and stopped me from being with someone who didn't find so unattractive, how cruel

Trinity66 · 16/08/2018 15:09

Oh ok I just read your update, he knew you didn't find him attractive, jeez talk about both of you settling then

Imchangingmyname · 16/08/2018 15:32

It depends on whether you can spend another 20 years with someone who you don't find sexually attractive and how important is it to you. Are you compatible in other ways? Is your DH happy with the situation as it is?

1forAll74 · 16/08/2018 15:57

Years ago, I had what you describe as having now, a good life,with everything, as they say. It wasn't a brilliant sexual type of marriage,but never the less,it was quite perfect in most ways. I was a SAHM, my then husband worked away a lot, good job,and went abroad frequently.
I somehow ended up having a stupid fling for a few months,with a man who was a jack the lad kind of bloke, I kind of liked the fact,that he was a bit of a ladies man,as I did not want to stay too long with him, it was just a fun thing for me at the time.

So long story short, ended up being divorced later, a horrible time all round.. My then husband eventually remarried, but we did stay friends for life thereafter. He died four years ago.
I will always regret what I did all those years ago, it hasn't ruined my life, but just ruined the thoughts I had of what I wanted to be a perfect marriage, and I blew it.

ChristmasFluff · 16/08/2018 16:38

I married a good man, and we had a good marriage, but after 16 years together and 14 married, I found myself endlessly feeling, 'is this all there is?' I didn't fancy him any more, hated him touching me.

I confided in 2 friends, but everyone else was amazed when I said I wanted a divorce. It was wanting an affair that pushed me to end things - I couldn't do that to him.

I got together with an abusive idiot after that, and I am now single, and probably the happiest I have been in my life. Happiness sometimes isn't about being in a relationship - it can be about freedom and independence, because all relationships require compromise.

I have a good relationship with my ex-husband and his wife, and he is a good Dad to our son. I'm sure every one of us is happier than we would have been had we stayed together.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/08/2018 16:44

The grass is greener where you water it!

Lust runs out fast

Your relationship sounds ok to me.

sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 16/08/2018 20:30

Leave. Two months ago I could literally have written your post. I am 2 months single and I love it. Best decision I made, I spent too long being a coward.