How do I make this holiday better?

[Horribleholiday]

First time posting. I am going to struggle to be brief and clear, so I apologise in advance.

I’m in the middle of a week’s holidays with all of DH’s family - BIL, SIL, niece and nephew, MIL, FIL and DH’s uncle and aunt. I’ve just gone up to bed early, claiming tiredness from pregnancy but I’m feeling really upset. Everyone knows I am upset, too. I feel like I am being singled out as causing difficulties for everyone whenever I have a different opinion or idea.

MIL and FIL have very generously paid for the holiday house so we can all be together. BIL and family live overseas so we only get to see them every couple of years

We are here with our two DDs aged 4 and 2. No one else has young children. DD2 still needs to nap. This means we have a big requirement about how our day is structured. I know this is inconvenient for group outings involving everyone but I am made to feel like a problem-maker whenever I suggest we leave a bit earlier in the morning and meet people there, as we will need to leave earlier for her nap or we have lunch a bit earlier etc. I don’t expect everyone to follow our routine, just that we be allowed to. But they want to do all parts of every day together so each time it is met with a slight sigh or questions. I also suggested a slight alternative to a day trip suggested by FIL (because I know the area better) and this wasn’t met kindly. I think because I’ve been the only person to suggest anything else, so it’s seen as presumptuous as they paid for the house. DH is also annoyed by this and has had a few difficult discussions with FIL about us following a slightly different schedule.

I’ve also had passive aggressive comments as we do things differently in regards to food and parenting. We are mostly vegetarian but have said we’ll eat whatever is being prepared to make it easy and FIL hates vege food. I have cooked a couple of vege sides for us to go alongside two of the meals as they don’t really eat any veg and this hasn’t been taken well at all. We still happily ate the food that was prepared by others. We have also prepared meals and cooked meat for everyone else. DH and I are happy for our girls to explore and they’re quite adventurous but his family are a lot more cautious - there is a lot of jokey commentary on how we do things and it being dangerous or dirty etc. Pretty much all these comments are directed at me even though they are family choices and 100% supported by my DH.

Finally (there is more!), DH’s family are very into ‘organised fun’ but this isn’t my thing so I’ve been mostly sitting out the games and taking the opportunity to read my book while they get on with it. I know this last one is on me but coupled with the above I really haven’t been in the mood. But again, it is clearly expressed through looks and ‘humphs’ that I am the one person dragging things down. My DH loves all of this and I would never stop him or our girls taking part.

DH’s family is very non-confrontational so everything is done with looks and in a passive aggressive fashion (also, though humour, when it’s all a bit more positive). My family is a lot more open about talking about everything - we have more heated discussions but disagreements are just dealt with by talking and expressing our feelings on matters. I’m not saying this is better but I’m not used to the dynamic in DH’s family.

All of this added together, I am being seen as very difficult. I probably am, certainly compared to everyone else - they all seem to be on the same page.

I am very hormonal at 33 weeks pregnant. And I know I take things personally and struggle to deal with things I can normally shake off, when I’m this pregnant.

So, how do I make this better. I feel like I just want to go home but in reality I have to make this work. Any ideas?

I’m speaking from experience @horribleholiday the best thing to do if you genuinely want to enjoy the rest of the holiday is to let it go. Ignore. And be happy in the fact that you and your DH have a much more open and talkative relationship. You sound like amazing parents and your comfortable with letting your DC explore and have a beautiful relationship with their extended family.

I am not suggesting you change, and you should keep on cooking your vegetarian sides and leaving early if you are tired. Ignore the petty comments, be confident you are being good parents and be compassionate to your inlaws.

You sound like a lovely person and I don’t think this situation is all to be blame on pregnancy hormones. Your already doing a great job, I don’t think you can “win” in this situation but I think just letting go and making the best of it is the only way your going to have a nice time.

A big family holiday like that with small DC and the expectation for everyone to be together all the time - and play games!! - is bound to be stressful.

How many more days to get through?

You can’t change what they think or say about or to you. Main thing is whether you and your H see eye to eye.

I cannot imagine what possessed you to go in the first place!

Your idea of a holiday / break couldn't be more removed from theirs. Neither of you are wrong, just worlds apart.

Advice - a day out / missed nap won't kill your youngest DD, there will be lots of adults along to help out.

Ty and join in some of the games, it is v unsociable to read instead.

Veggie food...as you were. No need to apologise / explain

Oh my. Been there got the T shirt.
They pay so they can get everyone to go and then CONTROL everything.
If I were you I would not go again.
Expecting 8+ people to spend all day everyday together is hugely unrealistic, certainly to expect all to enjoy that.
Also you are 33 weeks pregnant, where is their empathy?? And their understanding of your toddlers needs?!
Thank F you don't have DH problem.
Just remember in future, book holiday to please ILs ... repent at leisure.

Try and join in some of the games, it is v unsociable to read instead

Fuck that shit

Im not a joiner. I HATE fucking joining. I’m not playing just to appease you.

Blimey your 33 weeks

Just say you are knackered and sneak off for loads of naps with a big smile and leave them to it.

Group holidays when you all have to do everything together is just too much

'You're'

I'd choose your battles to be honest. It sounds like you've been a bit precious over the naps and schedules around the youngest, and the family have taken this as you being a bit straight laced/ controlling/ contrary and so they are now making a big deal over every small thing you do (sitting out of games and making veggie food etc).

I think on holiday you should really try to let go of the routine, does the youngest not nap in a buggy? I've never actively made plans on holidays to fit around naps, (theres always at least 10 of us!) if they miss lunch i save some for them. If we're on a trip they sleep in the buggy.

I think unfortunately they've probably already formed their opinions but it may still be salvageable, I'd definitely continue reading if I wanted to and cooking the veg sides but maybe pull back a bit on insisting things change to fit around toddler? Or if you're set on that, let DH be the vocal one! Sounds like you're taking the flack for what are both your decisions.

Been there and I've been the target. Will never go on holiday with DHs family again. Passive aggressive so frustrating. I just never know really what I'm doing to disappoint them but then I quickly gave up trying to second guess. Them paying for the accommodation seems to give them the right to make sarcastic comments. Read books and nap

I think you could have let the naps go hang - otherwise yanbu and you should milk the pregnancy excuse to get time out from them.

OP there are a few things here some are yanbu but some maybe yabu.

Nap - can't 2 year old sleep in a buggy? That's what we do with ours on hol.

Food - you are veggy and your family should respect that.

Games - yabu and should join in. This makes you look either like a snob or that you are trying to have a passive aggresive protest because of the other issues. Honestly this will really not be helping.

Just forgo the naps and routine for a while. Seven other family members on the holiday with you, hopefully they will give you a hand, or nap in a buggy , car. ...

Make an effort with the games, you said yourself you only see certain family members very rarely .

The rest Yanbu.

Some kids really won't nap in a buggy and get absolutely ratty and horrible if they don't sleep. I understand why you are trying to stick to the schedule.

Basically, you're an intruder in a family dynamic that they are all very used to and you are not. A big family holiday like this was never going to be easy and I recommend you grit your teeth and never do it again

Ty and join in some of the games, it is v unsociable to read instead.

What harm is coming from OP sitting and reading her book? Expecting everyone to join in with "family fun" is some people's idea of absolute hell.

When you say organised games are you talking physical games or board games?

If it's family cricket or water polo then obviously YANBU to sit out at 33 weeks.

But if you mean a quiz or game of cards or game of monopoly after dinner then I think you are being a bit rude not to join in. Sorry.

I can’t abide games. Or passively aggressively enforced “joining in”.

Go along with their schedule and let you DD forego her nap. Then let them deal with the consequences by smiling indulgently, explaining the reason and walking off.

But if you mean a quiz or game of cards or game of monopoly after dinner then I think you are being a bit rude not to join in. Sorry.

Personally I think it's far more rude to force someone to join in when they clearly don't want to! OP is on holiday and wants to read. Everyone else can play games if they want to but they shouldn't be forcing her to join in against her wishes!

I have also been there and it was torture. Agree with pp that it's about exerting control to some extent. I also agree that it is totally ridiculous to expect a group of adults to spend all day every day following the same schedule.
If I were you I would smilingly do your own thing and offer absolutely no explanations. No thanks, we've made different plans for today.... Goodbye now, time for ds nap, we'll see you all later etc etc. Just do your own thing. And read your bloody book if you want to!! It's your holiday too. And obviously never ever ever agree to go with them again.

This is your holiday. Holidays are far too precious to spend valuable time doing what you don't want to do, especially as a busy mum the rest of the year round. It isn't so 'generous' a gesture of PIL if they expect you to spend all the time doing what they want to do. It's rather selfish. This is why I avoid group family holidays and stick to days out with them only. You live and learn. Simply don't go again.

It sounds like you're doing very well compromising so far.

Maybe just try to join in games occasionally.

Actually i think they are being so unreasonable not letting you do your own thing. I remember going on .holiday woth my parents when we were 1 and 3 .. They didn't want toddler mealtimes so we did separate activities quite often.

Definitely use your pregnancy as a reason to rest! You need this holiday - you will have your hands full soon!

I don’t think you are difficult or precious. Your DH’s family sound very selfish and narrow minded. Let your DH deal with it. He should suggest changes in routine and ask questions, not you. I also disagree with others about games, you are 33 weeks pregnant, you have 2 young children, you get a lot of passive aggressive and sarcastic comments, I’m not surprised that you are not up to playing games.
Their expectations are very unrealistic. They thought that 2 young children will do all exactly the same as grown up adults? I’m surprised that they thought that such a big group of adults will follow exactly the same routine and eat the same dishes. I think that family holidays work only if people respect each other and ready to be flexible. It’s not military operation, it’s a holiday.

Big family holidays can be tricky as everyone has different expectations.
Are your DCs enjoying it , if so focus on that. Difficult to structure days out around naps - is it possible to go out and see how it goes ?