How do I make this holiday better?

[Horribleholiday]

First time posting. I am going to struggle to be brief and clear, so I apologise in advance.

I’m in the middle of a week’s holidays with all of DH’s family - BIL, SIL, niece and nephew, MIL, FIL and DH’s uncle and aunt. I’ve just gone up to bed early, claiming tiredness from pregnancy but I’m feeling really upset. Everyone knows I am upset, too. I feel like I am being singled out as causing difficulties for everyone whenever I have a different opinion or idea.

MIL and FIL have very generously paid for the holiday house so we can all be together. BIL and family live overseas so we only get to see them every couple of years

We are here with our two DDs aged 4 and 2. No one else has young children. DD2 still needs to nap. This means we have a big requirement about how our day is structured. I know this is inconvenient for group outings involving everyone but I am made to feel like a problem-maker whenever I suggest we leave a bit earlier in the morning and meet people there, as we will need to leave earlier for her nap or we have lunch a bit earlier etc. I don’t expect everyone to follow our routine, just that we be allowed to. But they want to do all parts of every day together so each time it is met with a slight sigh or questions. I also suggested a slight alternative to a day trip suggested by FIL (because I know the area better) and this wasn’t met kindly. I think because I’ve been the only person to suggest anything else, so it’s seen as presumptuous as they paid for the house. DH is also annoyed by this and has had a few difficult discussions with FIL about us following a slightly different schedule.

I’ve also had passive aggressive comments as we do things differently in regards to food and parenting. We are mostly vegetarian but have said we’ll eat whatever is being prepared to make it easy and FIL hates vege food. I have cooked a couple of vege sides for us to go alongside two of the meals as they don’t really eat any veg and this hasn’t been taken well at all. We still happily ate the food that was prepared by others. We have also prepared meals and cooked meat for everyone else. DH and I are happy for our girls to explore and they’re quite adventurous but his family are a lot more cautious - there is a lot of jokey commentary on how we do things and it being dangerous or dirty etc. Pretty much all these comments are directed at me even though they are family choices and 100% supported by my DH.

Finally (there is more!), DH’s family are very into ‘organised fun’ but this isn’t my thing so I’ve been mostly sitting out the games and taking the opportunity to read my book while they get on with it. I know this last one is on me but coupled with the above I really haven’t been in the mood. But again, it is clearly expressed through looks and ‘humphs’ that I am the one person dragging things down. My DH loves all of this and I would never stop him or our girls taking part.

DH’s family is very non-confrontational so everything is done with looks and in a passive aggressive fashion (also, though humour, when it’s all a bit more positive). My family is a lot more open about talking about everything - we have more heated discussions but disagreements are just dealt with by talking and expressing our feelings on matters. I’m not saying this is better but I’m not used to the dynamic in DH’s family.

All of this added together, I am being seen as very difficult. I probably am, certainly compared to everyone else - they all seem to be on the same page.

I am very hormonal at 33 weeks pregnant. And I know I take things personally and struggle to deal with things I can normally shake off, when I’m this pregnant.

So, how do I make this better. I feel like I just want to go home but in reality I have to make this work. Any ideas?

adaline

No-one is forcing anyone to do anything stop being so dramatic! The suggestion is that by not joining in sometimes she is appearing standoffish and reinforcing opionins of her. If she wants other people to change she does need to put a bit of effort in to some relationship building.

Unfortunately you can't go around in real life just doing what pleases you without regard to others and not expect to be thought of as a rude selfish dickhead despite what MN thinks.

Some toddlers can manage a change in naps and some can't. My 13 month old will nap anywhere at most times and still be ok at bedtime. My 3 y/o never napped in a buggy and I did end up a bit tied to nap times that either had to be at home or in the car. You know your 2 y/o best and tbh I'd give it a go just for one day and see how she gets on. They do surprise you sometimes.

I hate games etc but would try joining in once or twice so I didn't appear rude but I'd be honest and say it wasn't my thing and I love to sit and read.

Regarding your food and kids playing, ignore them. Why they're so bothered I don't know?!

On my big family holidays the odd person will sit out of the odd game like monopoly/gards/heads up etc and it is NEVER an issue and nobody makes a fuss or thinks twice about it. It's fine to not be in the mood or to not enjoy it. OP do not feel bad for doing this.

As for everything else you've said - you sound fab and it sounds like you and your DH have a great relationship. YANBU at all, I think your FILs are just the judgy, controlling type. Deep breaths and lots of 'naps' on your own and you'll get through!

Some children just won't nap in the buggy. My eldest wouldn't, my youngest would. It's fine for people to come on the thread and say 'we did this, why don't you' because every child is different.

Yes some children won't nap in a buggy but if you don't try you won't know. OP has asked for advice and has got some and by the same token just because your toddler won't doesn't mean that OP's toddler won't.

Leave toddler to nap in buggy. If it ends in tears PIL will understand why you have been scheduling a proper nap. When toddler is screaming due to lack of sleep pass them to grandma.

You poor thing.

Regarding napping in the buggy.... unfortunately not all kids will do this and I have seen it many times with different family members.
As for the lovely people that suggested taking part in games at 33 weeks pregnant... GET A FUCKING GRIP.
She has 2 small kids, out in the heat.... maybe you were fine at that stage. But she is obviously not into it. I'd be the one reading too. It's HER holiday too.

moneypenny007

But it clearly isn't making het enjoy the holiday is it? It is madness to repeat the same things and expect different results. Pretty tone deaf response.

Will your small one be a terror without their nap? If so, I'd be tempted to go along with their plans for the day and let them deal with the fallout. You'd probably find they're more accommodating tomorrow.

notmany but it's the other peoples' reaction that isn't making her happy, not the actual taking part...

As for the lovely people that suggested taking part in games at 33 weeks pregnant... GET A FUCKING GRIP.She has 2 small kids, out in the heat.... maybe you were fine at that stage. But she is obviously not into it.

I don't think anyone has suggested that she should be playing physical games in the heat (we don't even know if there IS heat! I made the point that if the rest of the family are playing cards of an evening, then joining in OCCASIONALLY is the sociable thing to do and not too taxing. She's not ill?
No-one is saying she needs to join in Twister or a rounders game!

But the point is @Notmany is they're making her feel bad for not joining in when she's an adult and should be able to make her own choices! Her choosing to sit and read isn't making anyone else change their plans - they can still play Monopoly or whatever without OP joining in with them.

Just because a group of adults want to play games doesn't mean everyone has to go along with it. OP choosing to opt out isn't ruining anyone else's fun, is it? They can do their thing and OP can do her thing - it's her holiday as well.

Thank you for all of the replies and advice, I was nervous about posting but this has been really helpful.

We are leaving on Saturday so not long to go.

The games seem to have caused the most controversy! So organised fun includes outdoor games like badminton, board and card games and ‘ice breaker’ type games you might play on a work training day. I will join in some of the outdoor games and board games in the day but they often want to play a board game starting at 9.30pm and I feel too tired to enjoy it. The ice breaker type games really make me cringe and I just don’t enjoy them - there was one where you had to act out a granny, ninja or tiger as a variation on rock/paper/scissor and several others on those lines. These ones in particular I think I am seen as bah humbug for not taking part. I think I am a bit bah humbug!

With the buggy nap - really annoyingly our car died last week so we have had to borrow my parent’s car and there was no way to fit the buggy in. We thought we’d get by with car naps, some house naps and some not napping. She can do a day without a nap (we’ve done this twice) but wouldn’t survive the week. Annoyingly she doesn’t nap easily in the car either, as we don’t often use ours living in London.

I do think people are right and that I need to meet them more in the middle. Suck up some of the things I find uncomfortable. It has become a bit of a passive aggressive stand off!

Both girls are having a wonderful time with all their relatives too, and ultimately that’s what matters. I think it is so important for them to have those relationships and with BIL living abroad family holidays are the only way it will happen. Probably easier if it was just us and them as SIL is very understanding about the naps. When we holidayed with them a couple of times before we had DC they always napped their children at home In the middle of the day with no exceptions.

Cut yourself some slack Op

I imagine your tired!!

You have two young children under 5 and you're also pregnant. I think you have a right to have a little rest at 9.30 PM, on holiday, especially if you've been on outings during the day and managing two little ones.

I never understand people who cannot let others just be. I completely understand you, and you're entitled to get on with things as you wish to, you're doing no harm.

This is what you get with prolonged time with anyone though. Rolled eyes and little digs. Even if you go on holiday with your best friend, after a while you get annoyed by them not picking up/being too bothered about keeping everything tidy/having to do what they want to all the time etc. It's just part of a holiday with a group of people it seems.