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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mixed messages from ex and I am going to fkn pieces

45 replies

colditz · 03/06/2007 22:43

I found out today that he has been emailing random women on the internet saying he "Likes sex on the side" although he is "trying to get back with his girlfriend" (me!)

we split up 3 months ago, but with a view to making our relationship work.

He says he misses me and the kids desperately, and when I challenged him about the women he has been emailing, says he has a laugh winding them up.

he says he loves me and doesn't want to split up for good.

Five minutes later, after I have said i don't know if I can trust him, he is saying he can't see the point in getting back together.

I don't even know why I am even bothering to type this message to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 22:43

And if my kids don't go to sleep soon I'm going to lose it.

OP posts:
lulumama · 03/06/2007 22:44

oh colditz

after everything he has put you through, he has still not had the message he needs to grow up

you deserve a wonderful, caring and mature adult to have a meaningful, equal relationship with

JoolsToo · 03/06/2007 22:44

sounds like a hopeless case colditz.

You're worth more.

let it go.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/06/2007 22:45

Awww colditz.

This man makes you so unhappy.

Heathcliffscathy · 03/06/2007 22:46

oh bolleaux colditz i don't do these but [hug]]

xxxx

soapbox · 03/06/2007 22:46

Oh Colditz - I just wish that he could be half the man that you want him to be

He just doesn;t seem likely to be able to get himself together enough to be worthy of your trust and love.

I know it is hard, but there are other fish in the sea - but you have to get out of the belly of the shark before you have a chance of seeing them!

charliecat · 03/06/2007 22:49

Oh colditz dont waste your time Move on, you will be happy one day, but I really dont think its going to be with him

Dior · 03/06/2007 22:50

Message withdrawn

charliecat · 03/06/2007 22:50

Give the kids whatever they need to shuurrrup and sit down for the night.

Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 22:51

i told him today that I have never cried so much in my life except when I am with him.

I can't let go, I don't know why, I know I should, indeed must, but I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 22:53

I keep seeing these glimpses of a better bloody person - why can't he be like that all the time? That's the man I fell in love with, not this one, this one just hurts me, and when I ask him why he did, says he didn't, then says "Dunno"

OP posts:
soapbox · 03/06/2007 22:55

It's hard, I know that only too well!

Nevertheless, you must, as you rightly point out.

I often think that we get the life that we deserve really. And you deserve better than this - and you need to start working out a way in which you will get yourself free of him and move on to a better life!

Have you done relate? They offer counselling for you on your own, which can be good if you get the right counsellor. Failing that, ask your GP to be referred for counselling, although the wait can be horrific in some areas

charliecat · 03/06/2007 22:56

Oh My God. I am ..oh about 3 weeks into a seperation, and when I look at xdp I see the bloke i fell in love with...but he opens his mouth...and my heart sinks. Hes turned into a shit, and one I cant live with, hes making me miserable.
Like your X is too.
God, he wont realise it till its too late either.
You cant change someone else, but you can change your reaction to them....
I know this is the right thing for me.
I dont think, from your posts that your bloke will ever be what you want him to be colditz I really dont.
Do you?

Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 23:01

Soapbox - am already in councelling - we tried relate but he stated going on his own instead of with me and now I go alone too.

I don't know CC, sometimes he can be really so very very nice to me - and other times he's a complete shit.

#Sadly I am seeing more and more of the complete shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 23:03

I detest myself for being this way, so needy, and clingy, but I just keep thinking "yOU SAID YOU LOVE ME, YOU PROMISED TO LOVE ME, WHY DON'T YOU ACT LIKE IT?"

OP posts:
charliecat · 03/06/2007 23:06

Ouch, I totally feel your pain.

soapbox · 03/06/2007 23:08

Well Colditz, promises get broken, don't they?

He promised to love you and cherish you and keep you safe and warm and loved. But he hasn't done that and it is looking increasingly like he is incapable of being the man that treats you like that, that treats you like a man ought to treat a wife, the mother of his children.

At your next counselling session can you tell your counsellor that you would like to focus on these dependency issues, in particular why you are finding it so hard to detach from him? I think it might be interesting for you to work through some of this.

I think we sometimes get carried away with our power, our ability to control and influence things - and we want to try and make things okay, to make the other person into the one we once believed in. But CC is right, we cannot change other people - it is as far from our power as our ability to change our princes into frogs. Instead we have to concentrate and focus our energies on changing what is within our control - and that usually means OURSELVES

Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 23:10

I think, actually, I was quite adept at turning my prince into a frog, it's turning him back I can't seem to manage....

OP posts:
soapbox · 03/06/2007 23:11

I was thinking of our little boys actually - not hte big ones

charliecat · 03/06/2007 23:13

Ok, do you treat him like shit, make him miserable?
Because this is what my arguement with myself boiled down to.
And my answers were no and no.
Do you try to please him and get shit all in return?

Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 23:21

I don't know to be honest. He's always moaning that I have a go at him.

OP posts:
charliecat · 03/06/2007 23:24

Ok, in my relationship, me having a go was standing up for myself or replying to negative comments aimed at me- therefore causing arguements.
But if he hadnt said things in the first place......
???
Do you think you are always having a go at him?
You sound really confused?..bloody hell
If you went back to the trail of thought that you would be without him forever, which is what you had when you first split up?
Would it be better for your mental health? Then if he did turn into prince charming you could have him back, but if he didnt then you had already accepted that?
Am I talking shit? Sorry..just thinking outloud in type.

Original poster
colditz · 03/06/2007 23:33

No. You're not talking shit, I can see what you mean.

It would be so much bloody easier if he was to have an affair or something.

Even then, I'd probqably forgive him because I cannot bear to let him go.

O fgs I used to fkn sneer at women like me.

OP posts:
charliecat · 03/06/2007 23:36

Oh my. Can you read your old threads and muster some strenght?
CAN IT BE FIXED?
Honestly, can it? Or will he always be a sourse of frustration and disapointment to you?

Dogsby · 03/06/2007 23:36

oh coldtiz NO NO NO YOU ARE NOT GETTING BACK WIHT HIM