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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help I need advice/ strength.

37 replies

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 12:32

Hi everyone, I have been on mumsnet for a good while but opened a new account to post.
Firstly please excuse the fact I may not use punctuation or paragraphs correctly, 2 reasons
1- I’m not very good at it.

I am shaking writing this and it not at the forefront of my mind.

Right I will begin, I have been with my husband for 19 years, and I think I am ready to call it a day. But I am terrified to tell him. He has never hit me But is very controlling (I think) I don’t really have friends I have people I talk to, school run etc. And I just can’t see myself doing another 14 years ( youngest will be 18 then) I did tell my aunts some of the things that have gone on and she was very shocked that I have managed to hide it so well all these years. Examples of his behaviour include: On the odd occasion when I have been out he won’t speak to me before never asks if I have had a nice night etc etc. I gave up on this eventually and actually haven’t been out For years. The youngest is full time in September and I want to go back to work, but I know it will have to be a job he approves of ( no men) as once I passed comment that I wanted to do my nursing degree and he said “ if you do that I will leave you” I had to change my driving instructor when learning to drive because he was a man. ( he didn’t even congratulate me when I passed) He once had anal sex with me after I got drunk and passed out after a girls night in ( He was ok with girls nights in) when I asked and he said he did it to teach me a lesson. He has done this a few times to me when he has been drunk just got into bed took what he wanted from behind. Then tooled over and gone to sleep. I want to say that these incidents happened quite a few years ago and he hasn’t done anything like it since. He does however put pressure on me for sex I struggle with my mental health and sex is the last thing on my mind. About a year ago the same old conversation cropped up I’m not getting enough blah blah blah, I said ok I will make more of an effort for 2/3 times a week anyway if I am honest with my self I was putting up and shutting up to keep him happy. Recently I lost a vey close family member they died on the Thursday and on the Sunday he was asking well are we having sex tonight coz if we don’t it won’t happen til Thursday. I was shocked. Any way a few days ago I came clean and told him sometimes I don’t feel like sex. His reply was he is only asking for twice a week and do I expect him to be panting like a little lap dog waiting for him to throw him a bone. So is he saying I should put up and shut up? Should I? I don’t know what to do am I being unreasonable? If any of you want to ask me any questions I will do my best to answer as there’s is so much backstory here that it would be a very very long post.

OP posts:

Thamesis · 15/08/2018 12:35

Oh OP, he's horrible. Call it a day. Get some support from Women's Aid - he is abusive. They will help you get yourself together and get a better life

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/08/2018 12:37

Oh dear op. Of course he's controlling. You just can't see how badly because he's worn you down do much. He dictates who you can socialize with, even who you can get driving lessons from and where you can work. He's also raped you, and as punishment to boit. It couldn't really be much worse. He is vile beyond words.

Margie32 · 15/08/2018 12:41

Oh OP, please get help in RL, you deserve so much better than this vile shite of a man. Believe you will be happy, it’s what you deserve. Sending .

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 12:45

Thanks, I am very scared he will want to have the children, I am a SAHM and because I have been very good at hiding my despair it will be a shock to people, I also think he would be quite nasty ( not physical violence)

OP posts:

Musti · 15/08/2018 12:46

Please please leave him. He's controlling, abusive and possibly a rapist too.

Singlenotsingle · 15/08/2018 12:49

All this obsession with other men! It sounds as though he may not be English (not that that matters). He is obsessed with sex and doesn't care about you, or what you want. Can you really carry on like this for another 30-40 years? Get rid, now!

prettywhiteguitar · 15/08/2018 12:51

If you call women’s aid or your local women’s refuge, there maybe one in your town with it’s own phone number they will help you deal with him. What to say to him and what to do, I think you feel like you can’t cope anymore and need help ?

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 12:51

Yeah he is controlling, can you believe that sometimes when I say I’m tired I’m going to bed he will say, no your not coz I won’t see you all weekend. Guess what I actually stay up. I wanted a drink the other night and and I said oh i might have a drink tonight he said REALLY! ( which was code for why do you want a drink your on your period and that means we won’t have sex) so I didn’t have a drink.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 15/08/2018 12:53

There is not a chance he can end up with the children, if you report him properly there is s good chance he will end up going through a contact centre so staff can see his interactions with them. You need to report him to the police though. Please speak to women’s aid they are best to guide you through it

prettywhiteguitar · 15/08/2018 12:54

Fuck that don’t put up with him anymore. He sounds horrendous

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 13:03

I will look into women’s aid, I think i realised that I had to do something when I started thinking how much easier it would be if I was dead!! The first time I have thought like that EVER. Although I would never do it. I went to docs the other day and they have given me tablets and referred me to a mental health nurse and I was going to tell her what it has been like as sometimes I think my mental health problems are down to my situation and the fact I don’t have the guts to do anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 13:04

Oops I forgot to put a trigger warning on my post and I don’t know how to put one on.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 15/08/2018 13:16

Please tell your nurse ! Of course it’s linked, if he didn’t exist you would feel completely different?

sophiec123 · 15/08/2018 13:45

Please leave! This is not healthy for you or the children! Go through all of the channels you can! Please do tell your nurse, she has to be confidential so do not worry! Remember you haven't done anything wrong!

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 14:37

I just phoned the woman’s aid number and the lady said I sound determined to get out and the fact I have finally said it out load has helped. She told me to get in touch with my local branch to see how they can help me. She asked in an ideal world what would I want to happen I said” I would tell him it’s over tonight” he would pack his stuff leave and I would be happy.

OP posts:

beachcomber243 · 15/08/2018 14:42

He is vile. Get away as soon as you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2018 14:47

Well done on contacting Womens Aid.
This guy is not only controlling, he is rapist as well.
If you are also struggling with that then please do contact Rape Crisis. They can get you specialist counselling.
I really hope Womens Aid can help you with a safe exit plan.
He is vile. If you tell them everything, there is no way he will get the DC so don't worry about that.
Social services can also help you once you have an exit plan.

Now stay strong. Keep focused and 'fake it 'til you make it'
But get out as fast as you can.

sophiec123 · 15/08/2018 15:47

So glad you've started making relevant contacts! Don't give up! He sounds absolutely awful and I'd rather be on my own than be with someone like that. My mum divorced and left my dad when I was 10 after 30 years of domestic violence and I can honestly say getting away from him was the best thing we all did! Your kids will soon see that!

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 16:00

Thanks, the thing is no one would ever know it’s been like this for so long, if you looked from the outside I’m happy joking person (happy)and people think we are a perfect happy couple they think my husband is a nice bloke. If they knew what he was really like they would be so shocked and probably not believe it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 16:03

Sometimes I question myself and think am I making a mountain out of a molehill, I mean if things were that bad why have I stuck it out for so many years. If you know what I mean.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2018 16:22

if things were that bad why have I stuck it out for so many years
Because they aren't abusive initially.
They hook you in.
Then they start to subtly push boundaries.
The more they get away with the more they push.
Until they are totally abusive to you and you hardly saw it coming.
Then when you start to question they go back to Mr nice guy for a while. Then once they have 'hoovered' you back in they start again.
It's called the cycle of abuse. Have a google.
So many fall for it.
Hoping the lovely many they originally met will suddenly materialise again and life will be good.
That though, is not how it works.
And by then you rely on them for so much.
Or you have kids and don't want to split up the family.
Blah blah blah.....
There are so many reasons people stay with abusive partners.
Fear of change.
Fear of reactions.

Don't over think it though.
He is really really abusive.
You need to get away - SAFELY.

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 16:49

Yes I fear his reaction and I fear change.I am going to be a single mum on benefits, and I hear all these stories where it can take months and months for benefits to be sorted and I will end up on the streets because I can’t pay the rent.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 15/08/2018 16:51

What a horrible man. Of course you should do your nursing training if that's what you want to do with your life. Does he work around women? When he goes out (because I'm sure he doesn't just sit at home every night), are there women there? I hate hypocrites.

Out of interest, are your children boys or girls? I would be so worried that his attitudes might pass onto them. How on earth is he going to cope if you have a daughter who wants to go out with her friends as a teenager, and (god forbid) have boyfriends? If you have a son, how would you feel if he treated his girlfriends like this?

Well done for speaking to Women's Aid. Consider what they said and maybe call them in a few days when you have a better idea of what you want to do.

NotAgainYoda · 15/08/2018 16:59

Oh my goodness. He's a vile person; he has raped you. No wonder your aunt was shocked. It was such a big step for you to call Women's Aid. Well done.

And as others have said, he's worn down your boundaries - your sense of what is normal and acceptable over a really long period of time, so that it would take something much more violent to reach the point of leaving. Plus he's not like it all the time. He's too clever for that and would know you'd leave.

Keep posting if you can - you will find support from those who have been or are going through this. But first and foremost, stay safe.

Original poster

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 17:08

I think he knows something is wrong after Sunday nights episode I told him I couldn’t have a shower ( which means no sex) and he said oh that’s just finishes off my shit weekend nicely! So to keep the peace I said tomorrow night. When tomorrow night came and he touched me and I flinched he said what’s wrong I said I got a funny feeling. He then said I will tell you what let’s just fuck it off and came downstairs in a mood. That’s when we had the I don’t always feel like sex and little lap dog convo. But we went to bed and to keep the peace I gave in:( the next day though I hardly spoke to him how could he still have sex with me knowing how I felt.
And this morning he got up and went to work without waking me and he normally phones me to see what I am up to but hasn’t. He is in work til late I don’t know if I should phone him or wait til tonight and tell him I want out of the marriage.

OP posts:

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