Should I leave him?

[nickname7890]

My husband and I have a 20 month old son, and I am 4 months pregnant with our second child. I work full time in finance, and he works full time too. He goes out a lot with work and so I always have to do pick up (we get someone to drop our son at nursery as I leave first and then my husband, both before nursery opens). my husband goes out loads with work and also with friends. The last 9 weeks he has been away with work during the week, so i take the brunt of household chores while getting up at 5.30 the next day to go to work, and having had a few scares with this pregnancy (we have been offered amnio at 32 weeks, which is a large stress on my mind) my daughter also isnt sleeping. With the wmbledon tennis goign on and the football over the summer, my husband also was out at least 1 - 3 times a week. Thing is, when he goes out he gets obliterated. he goes to these lunches and they start at 12.30 and finish at 1 am. He rarely tells me when he is back, so i lie awake, knowing im up at 5.30, waiting for him to come through the door. I tell him to go to the spare room when he is coming back drunk as the smell of the alcohol and also he snores when he has been drinking, even if he is home at 9.30 pm bc i cant sleep easily anyway (let alone when pregnant), but more often than not he "forgets" because he is so drunk and just comes in and when i ask him to leave and go next door he loses his head and last time he was so drunk he started hitting himself in the head repeatedly as I was saying please go next door repeatedly. it was very strange.

next day, I always try brush over it as I hate the atmosphere, and I understand before we had children, we liked to go out togehter. I understand it was part of our life, but now we have children, now I work full time and often once I pick my son up I bath him, put him to bed, then have to work until 10 at night at the kitchen table, then back to bed and up at 5.30 am again - i am exhausted.
again the other night he went out and he forgot his keys and he climbed in through the window and scared me and woke up our son. then he went to bed and passed out snoring while i dealt with my son and it took an hour to get him back to sleep.

he has been away a lot with work as well, and i know its work, but still i feel that if he is out the house, then he needs to make time to support at home, not come back and go out.

Anyway, this week has been really bad as my son is unwell, and my husband is going on holiday to Belgium for 4 days to help his mum box up their house which i totally understand ,but I am at my witts end on a major project and the timing is just unfortunate as he has been away EVERY WEEK with work.
he said on monday night he had a lunch with a boozy ex colleague on tuesday that was "sprung" on him. I said please dont make it a long one - i really need to start my 4 days solo with our son not totally shattered, so would appreciate if you can come home by 6 pm so i can have help with him before you go to Belgium. I was texting my husband yesterday in the day as I had been vomitting at work as my nausea is back. At 5 pm i asked him what sort of time he would plan to come home - he said 9 pm. and I LOST IT. I lost my temper,, all over text, said please come home sooner how can you leave me to do this etc (i said things i regret but im feeling desparate). this went on for hours, and in the end i said please stay with your sister (she lives nearby) as I cannot have a night where i dont know if youare coming in/ when you are / what state you are in when you do stumble into the house. He agreed and I locked the front door putting the chain on.
my son screamed the house down and didnt settle until midnight last night, and i finally got my son and myself to sleep at 12.30 and at 1 am i heard a banging- my husband had forgotten i said i would lock up and go to bed, and he was banging on the door. He was in a terrible state. he couldnt tell me where he had been (i am 100% sure he wouldnt cheat though) and he couldtn string a sentence together. I was begging him to sleep downstairs so as not to wake my son. AFter persistent hushed converstaions where he just ignored me and tried to push past me on the stairs, he passed out on the floor.

I then lay in bed my heart racing and just crying (i dotn cry much). I dont know what I have done. I am bringing someone into the world and I dont know what I can offer the baby in terms of family stability. My poor son as well - I want him to have a happy family life, but I feel so unhappy. I woke up and my instinct is to try and make things better adn just say "this must never happen again" and accept my husbands apology (he is great at apologies next day!) but I cant see this patern will change. Night before my hen party (when we had a 6 month old son and I had not been out for a year, while my husband had been out loads) my husband went for "a drink" with his best friend and came in at 5 am and I was so heartbroken - i really wanted him to be home, tell me when he was back, but instead he had said he would be back at midngight and had left me thre until 5 am waiting and fuming.

Should i just suck it up and start getting used to sleeping with the prospect of him coming in? Has he got an alcohol problem (doesnt know when to stop?) Last night when i texted saying "but you promised you would come home and help with my sons nigthmare bed time" he said "if you had asked nicely i would have come home but you didnt so im staying out". This isnt like him - he wouldnt be like this when he was sober.

Please advise. I have a really high pressured job and im workingon a promotion to help us financially, im up against it. Im due to go on holiday with my husband and son next week when he is back from belgium and i want to tell him not to come and maybe if i take action - not use words - i can instigate a change to his behaviour?

or maybe its my fault? any advice appreciated x

This sounds like you have a rather shitty existence. It's not your fault.
He sounds alcoholic.
Please go to Al-anon and you'll find some great support and guidance from women in the same situation. Many of the posts on this thread will be guesses about what you should do. Al-anon will have people who are or have been going through this exact situation.

thanks.
its hard as I said that to him - he doesnt drink eg on the wekeends if he is staying home, he would never have a drink after work unless he was out.
but when he starts, he just cant stop.

That's alcoholic.
You don't have to be drinking 24/7 To be alcoholic.

Go to Al-anon and you'll find some great support and guidance.

What do you get out of this relationship now with him?. What is in this still for you?.

No do not suck it up and such people like your H do not change. His primary relationship is with drink.

How is any of this your fault exactly, it is not. You can only help your own self ultimately and speaking to Al-anon would be a good start for you.

I would cancel the holiday with him next week and if that is not feasible then go solely with your child.

I would be looking to seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him because you are married to a drunkard. This is not the role model of a relationship either that should be modelled here to either child. This man will continue to simply drag you all down with him.

He's absolutely an alcoholic. Sounds like an arsehole too; the two aren't mutually incompatible.

When you do things like brushing it under the carpet, you are enabling him. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Get this out in the open, don't pretend for a minute it's normal or acceptable behaviour.

And put your babies' needs and yourself before this disgrace of a father.

Oh what a predicament you are in, it definitely sounds like he has a problem with alcohol.
I guess from here it's what you decide, stay with him if he gets the help he sounds like he needs or leave. I personally wouldn't be staying if he isn't willing to try and get help - you have your son and baby to think of.
I truly hope he gets the help he deserves.
If you struggle you can go to GP and to alcohol charities on web.
Don't sit suffering with this as it is no good for your mental wellbeing.

He needs to grow up and be a good dad and husband. He is missing out on so much and will regret it later in life.

You need to talk to him. Maybe write down all your emotions and worries, then when you talk to him it hopefully won't turn into a big argument. Have you thought of counselling? Perhaps you would both benefit from this?

But he really needs to put you and his kids before going out drinking, it's not on!

Sorry but I agree with the others.
He is an alcoholic and an absolute arsehole!
As others have suggested, contact Al-Anon.
I would be asking him to leave temporarily at first.
You do not need this stress.

It is not fair on you or your DS.
Talk to family and friends.
Let them know what you are going through and that you need some help support right now.
But for now you need some space away from him.
He needs to be out of the house so you can get some sort of routine in place.
This is NOT normal behaviour.
This is NOT OK.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
And you can't cure it.

He's an alcoholic and only HE can help HIMSELF.
You need to stop enabling him.

He's an alcoholic.
No hope until he realises that. Sorry

He having the best of both worlds he living the young, free and single lifestyle and then on the odd occasion he has the prefect family life to project to the outside world. And you are running around chasing your tail while holding everything together.

I would not accept his apology (if he even gives one) as they mean nothing other then lets just forget about last night and he can carry on regardless of you and your son.

I would be telling him that I am using this time he away to consider then your future with him. Because he behaviour neither acceptable as a married man and is definitely not acceptable environment to bring children up in.

OP your life would be so much less stressful without him in your home, and with the help of a Au Pair or nanny.

Twinkle - I think OH is it throws off addiction, and that means infantile behaviour. You sort out the drinking, THEN grow up.

Issue is that unless OH wants to stop, there is nothing you can do to make him. Even though his drinking had been unacceptable to you for years, it needs to be unacceptable to him for him to do anything about it.
Good luck OP.

This is just ridiculous, OP. You have to value yourself higher than this! He is clearly alcoholic, he can't control his drinking, but he is also incredibly selfish and immature about his responsibilities. It is crystal clear to everyone outside the relationship what you need to put an end to it, and split. I know it's harder to see, and do, when you are inside it but he is never going to change while you put up wit it, and basically by not splitting you are putting up with it. Nothing else is strong enough to make him realise.
I am sorry, but I am sure you will be happier.

Thank you all for your support.
It is hard as the corporate drinknig culture is such that people regularly have "boozy lunches" and when I say he has an alcohol problem he scoffs at me.
He has now just apologised, and I have a host of text messages flooding in saying he is so ashamed of himself, he didnt realise i was so upset etc - mainly because he doesnt even read his texts when he is in that state and just ploughs on.

The idea of going this pregnancy alone, cancelling the one holiday of the year, my "babymoon" that we planned together, and I have LIVED for these past few weeks, and the humiliation of only after 1.5 years, splitting up, is so much to bear today.
But of course, I will protect my son to the ends of this earth and although my husband is incredible with him and my son absolutely adores him (tragically he asks for him most evenings, but daddy is usually out drinking...) its the unpredictable-ness and inconsistency that is not safe for us.
He has asked to still come on the holiday. He has agreed to get help but said he wants to do marriage counselling first (he doesnt think he needs Al-Anon).
I will look for Al - Anon support and understand better how to help with this.

thank you so much x

If I were in your shoes I would be furious with his behaviour. I would want a father who wants to spend time with his children and also who respects his wife to be a bloody parent and husband not act like a single guy with no responsibilities
OP I really feel for you. You are in a horrible situation. 🌺

I would leave, IF he quits alcohol AND starts prioritising his DC above his mates/holidays etc I would consider trying again. In the meantime it will likely be less stressful living alone

He is simply feeding you a line of pitiful excuses and denial of the alcohol problem is so commonly seen amongst alcoholics.

Its actions that count, not mere words so what has he done here?. Really, nothing.

Al-anon is for you primarily user, not him. You need to ask him to leave to give you all some space away from him. He should not go on this holiday with you either; he will in all likelihood simply get drunk on that too. Separating is hard but what you and your children will end up living with is a hell of a lot harder.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are completely free of him. Until that time, you are still mired in his alcoholism and will continue to play out the usual roles associated with such spouses; enabler, provoker and adjuster because you keep on adjusting to the crises that he is causing in your marriage. You are basically lurching from one crisis to another.

Read this too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

he doesnt think he needs Al-Anon
HE doesn't - YOU do!
Al-Anon is for families coping with alcoholism.
AA is for alcoholics.

Why oh why does he think you need marriage counselling?
YOU haven't done anything wrong.
This is all HIM. It's all HIS problem.
HE needs to address it HIMSELF.
You cannot do it for him.
Tell him to shove marriage counselling up his arse.
HE has the issue and HE has to reach out to get the help he needs to resolve it.
It really is that simple.
He's already putting some of the blame on you with that crap suggestion.

Soooooo... once he is clean. Then you can consider marriage counselling. Until then, there is absolutely no point.

So sorry you find yourself in this impossible situation - it must be so hard to face the fact that this relationship is the opposite of all you need and deserve. However awful the prospect of coping without him is, it's clear that you can't carry on like this. Regardless of the 'corporate culture' his behaviour is selfish, irresponsible and absolutely unacceptable. But as long as you accept it and continue to hold everything together there's no reason for him to try to change. Please do get help from Al-Anon, and from friends and family. And take that holiday without him if you possibly can. You really do deserve better than this.

What you describe is no way to live. His behaviour as a husband and father is outrageous.

I also agree that you should end it and then if he gets help and changes his ways you could reconsider. Based on what you say, I don’t think he would change.

Many people work in a culture of work hard/play hard with lots of socialising but they adjust when they settle down with families because they have to and want to.

Hi OP, what a horrible situation to be in - I really feel for you. As an alcoholic in many years of recovery, I'd say he is definitely "one of us". The whole corporate culture thing is a ruse and an excuse. He doesn't have to drink and there will be plenty who don't, and ultimately they will be respected more.

It's a complete myth that alcoholics drink every day. Even in active drinking, I could stop for weeks at a time. It's the way that you drink that defines the issue, basically that once you start, you are unable to stop. We say that one drink is too many and a thousand not enough.

Your H should (but may be unwilling to) get himself to AA meetings sharpish. He'll hear stories there which should make him realise he needs help, the 12 steps, the programme and a sponsor. It's a progressive illness and isn't just going to get better. Sorry. It's all down to him - the taking action part, although the ripple effect across your family will be huge.

As for the apologies - again sorry, but they are cheap and easy, and just words. With the sobering up come what we call the four horsemen: terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair and these can manifest themselves in any number of ways. Change is difficult but most certainly not impossible IF he wants it enough.

And yes, I would recommend Al Anon for you.

Don't knock marriage counselling, no YOU haven't done anything wrong but if he is agreeable to sit infront of a counsellor it will give you a safe place to have your say without him interfering or walking off. Then it will (hopefully) progress to him having some counselling around his alcoholism.
You should def go to Al-anon and get some support both verbally and in person.
Good luck. X

goodness, what kindness to support and take the time to read and respond - thank you/
I am scared of the prospect of leaving him and starting afresh, and what that means for my children, pulling the plug and not giving him another opportunity to change. but then it would just be that - another chance that most likely will be taken advantage of.
its crazy - the weekend I was excitedly showing him my pinterest board for our new baby's nursery and for painting some furniture at home (nesting has begun!) and it seemed like it could work. Monday he was texting me while at work saying he is sorry i have found the pregnancy tough and he is here for me and he will work on this (after i had communicated my upset with the situation over the weekend) and then Wednesday and i am here.

i told him i think it best he stays home from the holiday and he has said he only will if my son does. obviously i would hate to leave my son behind, i am so looking forawrd to seeing him every day as he is at childcare full time, and yet I am conscious i do not want to use him as a pawn in our problems.

i just want it all to be okay but it seems it cant be x

Tell him not to be ridiculous. Its dangerous to leave a toddler with an alcoholic.

This is serious. There's no hope for your relationship unless he addresses his issues and takes responsibility. You need time away from him to think. Can you imagine the stress you would be under if you were away, worrying about how much alcohol he is consuming whilst looking after your son? How would you feel if something awful happened?

I feel so sorry for you, it's a horrible situation.

Its a lot more bloody scary to stay; this will be your life with two children going forward as well if you were to stay with him.

What would marriage counselling do here; you have not caused this situation to arise. He has, this is all on him. He won't likely attend AA either unless he himself, and without any coercion from anyone else, decides to do so. He may never do so either.

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. You cannot help him ultimately, you can only help your own self and children here. Do you think they would at all benefit from seeing their dad like this; no they would not. You would be better off living with your children and without him in your day to day lives; things will become a lot more calmer for a start and you would not be firefighting crises the whole time.