My husband and I have a 20 month old son, and I am 4 months pregnant with our second child. I work full time in finance, and he works full time too. He goes out a lot with work and so I always have to do pick up (we get someone to drop our son at nursery as I leave first and then my husband, both before nursery opens). my husband goes out loads with work and also with friends. The last 9 weeks he has been away with work during the week, so i take the brunt of household chores while getting up at 5.30 the next day to go to work, and having had a few scares with this pregnancy (we have been offered amnio at 32 weeks, which is a large stress on my mind) my daughter also isnt sleeping. With the wmbledon tennis goign on and the football over the summer, my husband also was out at least 1 - 3 times a week. Thing is, when he goes out he gets obliterated. he goes to these lunches and they start at 12.30 and finish at 1 am. He rarely tells me when he is back, so i lie awake, knowing im up at 5.30, waiting for him to come through the door. I tell him to go to the spare room when he is coming back drunk as the smell of the alcohol and also he snores when he has been drinking, even if he is home at 9.30 pm bc i cant sleep easily anyway (let alone when pregnant), but more often than not he "forgets" because he is so drunk and just comes in and when i ask him to leave and go next door he loses his head and last time he was so drunk he started hitting himself in the head repeatedly as I was saying please go next door repeatedly. it was very strange.
next day, I always try brush over it as I hate the atmosphere, and I understand before we had children, we liked to go out togehter. I understand it was part of our life, but now we have children, now I work full time and often once I pick my son up I bath him, put him to bed, then have to work until 10 at night at the kitchen table, then back to bed and up at 5.30 am again - i am exhausted.
again the other night he went out and he forgot his keys and he climbed in through the window and scared me and woke up our son. then he went to bed and passed out snoring while i dealt with my son and it took an hour to get him back to sleep.
he has been away a lot with work as well, and i know its work, but still i feel that if he is out the house, then he needs to make time to support at home, not come back and go out.
Anyway, this week has been really bad as my son is unwell, and my husband is going on holiday to Belgium for 4 days to help his mum box up their house which i totally understand ,but I am at my witts end on a major project and the timing is just unfortunate as he has been away EVERY WEEK with work.
he said on monday night he had a lunch with a boozy ex colleague on tuesday that was "sprung" on him. I said please dont make it a long one - i really need to start my 4 days solo with our son not totally shattered, so would appreciate if you can come home by 6 pm so i can have help with him before you go to Belgium. I was texting my husband yesterday in the day as I had been vomitting at work as my nausea is back. At 5 pm i asked him what sort of time he would plan to come home - he said 9 pm. and I LOST IT. I lost my temper,, all over text, said please come home sooner how can you leave me to do this etc (i said things i regret but im feeling desparate). this went on for hours, and in the end i said please stay with your sister (she lives nearby) as I cannot have a night where i dont know if youare coming in/ when you are / what state you are in when you do stumble into the house. He agreed and I locked the front door putting the chain on.
my son screamed the house down and didnt settle until midnight last night, and i finally got my son and myself to sleep at 12.30 and at 1 am i heard a banging- my husband had forgotten i said i would lock up and go to bed, and he was banging on the door. He was in a terrible state. he couldnt tell me where he had been (i am 100% sure he wouldnt cheat though) and he couldtn string a sentence together. I was begging him to sleep downstairs so as not to wake my son. AFter persistent hushed converstaions where he just ignored me and tried to push past me on the stairs, he passed out on the floor.
I then lay in bed my heart racing and just crying (i dotn cry much). I dont know what I have done. I am bringing someone into the world and I dont know what I can offer the baby in terms of family stability. My poor son as well - I want him to have a happy family life, but I feel so unhappy. I woke up and my instinct is to try and make things better adn just say "this must never happen again" and accept my husbands apology (he is great at apologies next day!) but I cant see this patern will change. Night before my hen party (when we had a 6 month old son and I had not been out for a year, while my husband had been out loads) my husband went for "a drink" with his best friend and came in at 5 am and I was so heartbroken - i really wanted him to be home, tell me when he was back, but instead he had said he would be back at midngight and had left me thre until 5 am waiting and fuming.
Should i just suck it up and start getting used to sleeping with the prospect of him coming in? Has he got an alcohol problem (doesnt know when to stop?) Last night when i texted saying "but you promised you would come home and help with my sons nigthmare bed time" he said "if you had asked nicely i would have come home but you didnt so im staying out". This isnt like him - he wouldnt be like this when he was sober.
Please advise. I have a really high pressured job and im workingon a promotion to help us financially, im up against it. Im due to go on holiday with my husband and son next week when he is back from belgium and i want to tell him not to come and maybe if i take action - not use words - i can instigate a change to his behaviour?
or maybe its my fault? any advice appreciated x