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Original poster

Is he right

44 replies

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 09:08

So. My dh has changed lately. Last night we had a huge row because he has developed this attitude that he should have a choice whether I hug him or give him affection. When I said I didn't agree with him, he grabbed me saying you don't have a choice now do you and I want a choice.
I then walked of to bed when he did it as I hadn't been feeling well all day and had a splitting headache as it was. He then instead of apologising came and argued with me in bed despite knowing I was upset and not well. I don't know what's wrong with him anymore. I just needed to vent I'm so sick of being with someone who has no emotion. Just anger and frustration

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/08/2018 09:16

No he isn’t right you do have a choice. Ask yourself where that lack of choice in his eyes is going to go

dirtybadger · 15/08/2018 09:17

Well he is right in that if he asks you not to touch him (hugging, touching, kissing) then you shouldn't. But if he never wants you to do those things, what relationship does he want? Why was he making this point?

Being angry all the time is not good.

What do you mean when you say he grabbed you? Sad

Hope you feel better soon

fc301 · 15/08/2018 09:18

He does have the right to refuse physical contact.
He shouldn't have grabbed you.
WHY he doesn't want hugs / lacks emotion is what you need to get to the bottom of as it is clearly making you very unhappy 💐

Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 09:19

What is a relationship where you have to feel weary of giving someone a bloody hug?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 09:22

Ok thanks for clarifying. It's making me very unhappy. I understand he needs space but why doesn't he just say that rather than causing big rows and issues about this choice issue. It's making me feel needy.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/08/2018 09:25

Your relationship doesn’t sound good have you talked about it

pickingdaisies · 15/08/2018 09:35

Depends. Are you grabbing him for a quick hug every time he wanders past you? When he's working? If you're not a huggy type that can get right on your nerves. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. It sounds like he's been trying to tell you this and you've not listened, which is why it escalated into a row. When you've both calmed down, try and talk about it calmly, listen to him. There's no right and wrong amount of hugging, but it has to be ok for both of you. Hope you work it out Flowers

WeAreAllScientists · 15/08/2018 09:38

It seems like he's putting up barriers. He's right that he should have a choice but it's strange in a relationship that he wouldn't want you to give him affection or that you should have to ask if it's okay. I'd have thought most couples would be comfortable enough to be tactile with one another without having to walk on egg shells about a basic human requirement; love. Don't mean to scare you but has he been acting suspiciously lately?

Hont1986 · 15/08/2018 09:55

There are a lot of posts here where women are talking about being tired of their husbands grabbing them. Maybe consider his stance rather than just telling him you disagree with him.

Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 10:08

@WeAreAllScientists
He's had a lot of evening meetings. He is also started charging his phone next to him instead of next to me. I noticed on computer history he had been using works email at 11at until night. He also had a sudden angry outburst because I asked why he hadn't phoned me, at lunch time and went on to say he shouldn't have to tell me who he has lunch with. So I thought something wasn't right yesterday as he phones everyday

OP posts:
MonaLisaSimpson · 15/08/2018 10:19

Absolutely he has a right to consent or not to physical contact. Are you trying to hug him all the time? And if you live together why does he need to call you every day? It sounds stifling to me.

Trinity66 · 15/08/2018 10:20

It sounds really odd, are you supposed to say "Is it ok if I hug you?" everytime? That's weird (unless you do it loads and he doesn't like hugging or something but surely you would have known that before now.) Like if my husband said that to me I would find it very unusual and definitely think something was wrong

Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 10:21

I don't know why he phones me every day. Sometimes it's nice other times annoying as I feel I have nothing to talk about.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/08/2018 10:23

'He is also started charging his phone next to him instead of next to me. I noticed on computer history he had been using works email at 11at until night. He also had a sudden angry outburst because I asked why he hadn't phoned me, at lunch time and went on to say he shouldn't have to tell me who he has lunch with. So I thought something wasn't right yesterday as he phones everyday'

So other changes in his behavioural patterns, along with being snappy about hugs

This would make me suspicious

Storm4star · 15/08/2018 10:25

I don't want to jump straight to the conclusion of OW. Is he under some major pressure at work? If he's needing to have extra meetings and send emails at 11pm? Stress can make you less affectionate and definitely more grumpy!

Trinity66 · 15/08/2018 10:28

I don't know why he phones me every day. Sometimes it's nice other times annoying as I feel I have nothing to talk about.

My husband and I talk a couple of times a day, just because it's stifling for some people doesn't mean it is for everyone, every relationship is different, we always have something to talk about. What matters is if you always used to but suddenly he has a problem with it and the physical contact then something seems to have changed

mistermagpie · 15/08/2018 10:40

His attitude about it is horrible but he does have a point. I'm not a touchy feely huggy person at all and have two toddlers so get plenty of unsolicited (not unwelcome when it's from them!) hugs, wrestles, grabs etc. My DH is a very very huggy person and often I'm just all touched out by the kids and I want to be left alone.

He had a habit of saying 'come for a cuddle' and I'd be like 'but I don't want one!' and he'd be offended, now he says 'can I have a cuddle?' and I'm more likely to give him one because it's not pitched as being 'for me'. Honestly our relationship isn't as sterile as that makes it sound! I'm just saying it's about communication as much a physical contact when it comes to these things.

You can just hug someone who doesn't want to be hugged, they should be allowed to say no. I teach my toddlers that much! But your DH dealt with the whole thing horribly.

Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 10:41

He definitely has more responsibility then when he first started there. It's absolutely ridiculous the amount they have put on him.
He seemed more chirpy than usual, too so I recon maybe he had met someone for lunch and felt guilty when I asked if he had a busy day, as I usually hear from him.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 15/08/2018 10:42

Ah sorry, this is a new thing and there are other suspicious factors. That does change things (and maybe you should have mentioned that in your op)

Singlenotsingle · 15/08/2018 10:49

Cherchez la femme Shock

Musti · 15/08/2018 10:56

It doesn't sound good op.

category12 · 15/08/2018 11:14

If things you do (hugs etc) used to be happily accepted and now are not, and his habits with his phone have changed, I'd be thinking other woman.

Original poster
Thinkingofausername1 · 15/08/2018 11:24

I have been wondering that for a while and I think I know who the ow would be if it was the case.
I'm no angel myself and I am no saint, but Ive never cheated despite how he's treated me and don't think I deserve to be treated like this. I haven't bothered getting dressed again today and I'm sat in the garden crying, because I've just had enough of it all.

OP posts:
Musti · 15/08/2018 11:31

Oh lovely, you do deserve better. I remember the ex who cheated on me started picking fights over stupid things and finding things I did suddenly annoying a few months before I discovered he was cheating.

WeAreAllScientists · 15/08/2018 11:39

I'm really sorry to hear you do have suspicions that he may be cheating. I hope that's not the case.

It could be stress from work but the fact he has angry outbursts when you ask questions that would be easily answerable, could be guilt, stress or both. The affection thing makes me squirm the most though as have had experience with that myself from a cheating partner who had formerly been very affectionate. Also being over defensive about their whereabouts (lunch) etc.

What will you do next? Look for more evidence or changes in routine? Has he called you yet today?

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