How do I move on from estranged sister?

[AllisonParker]

My sister (whom I was very close with for 45 years) started pulling away from me 4 years ago. 3 years ago, she called me and I was delighted to hear from her, only to quickly find out she was calling me to ask me to be her alibi as she was having an affair. She wanted me to 'cover' for her in case her husband called me. She quickly hung up and I had no chance to reply. I ended up telling my husband about the situation for two reasons. #1 He's my husband. I tell him everything. #2 He would be the one answering a phone call if my sister's husband were to call, since I was heading out to work. Bottom line... my sister found out I told my husband and she is furious with me. She is obviously embarrassed by the situation and feels my husband doesn't treat her the same way anymore. I have reached out several times, the most recent time at my daughter's wedding. I told my sister "I miss you, and placed my hand on her hand". She said "I'm really busy". I get it. Stop trying.
So.. .how does one move on? Should I bother to wish her a happy birthday anymore? She calls me to wish me one (I think because my Mom is still alive and she has to). They are painful phone calls that are 'duty' oriented. Should I bother to invite her over at Xmas (they usually decline). Last year she did come for the meal, always stayed in a different room from me, and then left quickly after dinner, leaving me with a pile of dishes. It was so unfriendly and hurtful. Whenever I do see her, it is very painful and brings back so many memories of when we were best friends. I find it is hard to look at someone that I used to know and keep it together.
It is like she is dead, but every now and then I see her, or my Mom talks about her (FYI, my Mom knows what has happened, and she keeps telling me to 'wait' for her to reach out one day).
This is really torture. I just want to forget about her and get on with my life. I am trying to fill the time with close friends and new activities during the time I used to talk with my sister (We used to catch up every Sunday) Any good advice from anyone?
Therapy is probably what I need. I find I still cry about this (although not as much) 4 years after the fact. Therapy costs $$$$ so hope someone can help me move on.

I think I would keep on with the normal minimum contact stuff - like wishing her a happy birthday and so on for the simple reason that life is short and absolute radio silence becomes very entrenched and there is no way back from it. I read somewhere recently that a complete no contact situation like that usually ends badly at a funeral or in hospital.

She may come round over time she may not but keeping the door open or at least ajar is always good.

She has scapegoated you for her own disloyal behaviour to her husband.

You need to move on from this fit your own sanity, and if that means going NC, then so be it.

Don't put your own life and mental wellbeing in limbo whilst you wait for an overture that may never come.

For me, I found that I had to go NC to get any sort of closure. My sister gave me the silent treatment for months. I went NC and when she finally realised that that was it for me, and that I had disengaged, it seemed to be a wake up call for her that I was not at her beck and call.

We get on now but she knows that I would have I no qualms about going NC again if she gave me the silent treatment again.

So my advice would be to go NC but perhaps he willing to forgive her if she comes to you in future with a genuine desire for a reconciliation.

Two interesting and different replies. Her birthday is in October and I am already stressing (in August) about making that phone call. I like the idea of NC (no contact?) as it is easier to move on. Every phone call brings it all back again. Do I want to keep the door open? It has been 4 years. If I let her back into my life, can I trust her? Or will the same thing happen again? I think I will now be to scared to ever let her back in my life again. I need to figure out how to move on. My Mom is 94, so when she dies (a sad day indeed) it will be easier. There will be no need for us to 'pretend' being friends. My mental health is indeed the issue. I am okay for awhile, and then when I have to see her (like at my daughter's wedding) , it all comes back again and it takes forever to forget about her again. It seems to get worse each time I see her as the time without seeing her gets longer and longer each time... and I guess there is less and less hope :(

Why make a painful awkward phone call? You could halfway-house it by texting her or sending a card - duty done and no drama. Probably be a relief to you both to get rid of that expectation.

Yes. The only reason I thought it should be phone call is she has always called me. My birthday comes first in the year, so I was following her lead. Texting is much easier, or mailing a card. I agree. I also think it's making a statement that the estrangement has moved to the next level, and I had been avoiding making that first move....but maybe that's okay. Maybe I have had enough.

But can anyone tell me how to cope with the pain and how to forget about a person that is dead in your life, but still very much alive?

Hi,

There's not a lot you can do. You just have to manage your expectations in a healthier way. Why should you feel the way you do? She's the shit of a sister who put you in a very uncomfortable position. Not acceptable at all in my book. Take back power here. She's a low-life. If my sister did that to me, I wouldn't be fawning over the fall-out caused by her and her circus.

Don't acknowledge anything to do with her. She owes you a massive massive apology.

Yoksha, you are right.. I guess I have spent my life trying to keep the family functional and together... time to let that torch go. I've always hosted all the dinner parties and been the central forgiving person. I agree she owes me an apology, but I guess I was being very forgiving (she cheated on her hubby because he was never home and worked too hard... leaving her feeling abandoned). I guess I also keep trying to go back to the way things were before. She changed all that. Time to cut all ties I think. I know things can never go back to the way they were before.

You know how friendships sometimes just run their course? Consider that this is what has happened with your sister. Just because you were accidentally born to the same parents doesn’t mean that you are/were destined to be life long friends.

She sounds like a right piece of work. Perhaps you need to process the injustices you have suffered due to her and her behavior. The exercise of declaring that you did not deserve to be treated that way and it was wrong may help your emotions be validated. Then it may be easier to change the channel in your mind.

I have been low contact fading to no contact with my sister for ten years. There is a sadness that things are this way but that must take a back seat to my necessary boundaries to protect my mental health.
Your mental health comes first. It isn’t mentally healthy for you to be around her.

You are right. It isn't healthy. After seeing her at my daughter's wedding it is like I relapsed. I thought maybe the time apart and the olive branch in person might be different than a phone call or email. I don't think I was expecting the 'I'm busy' response. This has been helpful. Her birthday falls on Thanksgiving and this year I won't bother having a big family party. Just my immediate family and quite possibly some close friends in our family. Tough for my Mom (aged 94) to see this happen to her daughters... but I think she respects my position. She knows how difficult this has been for me.

It is very difficult, and you have to allow yourself to grieve over the change to your life. I am NC with my brother and I cried for the first few days after he sent me a vile letter. I have contacted him a few times via Facebook messenger to tell him about a few deaths, but apart from that, nothing. Our messages were very stilted. I know that he has married again and lives abroad, but he didn't tell me. I do sort of miss him and think of him, but it was also a weight off my mind. I did reach out the last time we were in contact to say he will always be my brother, but he didn't respond. What I don't know is what will happen when he dies. Will his wife tell me? Does his wife even know I exist? Does his wife know he has children? He's a complete deadbeat dad to them and that has made my relationship with them untenable, too.

In your situation, I would also have told my husband. Sometimes, you have to draw the line in the sand. Your sister should respect that your morals are different from her own and not expect you to lie for her. Whatever you decide to do, don't beat yourself up. You cannot live life jumping to someone else's orders.

i have minimal contact with my youngest sister (she behaved in a totally unforgivable way towards me and my older sister many years ago).
I disliked the thought of going completely NC as I wanted to give her the opportunity to apologise for her behaviour.
She is sent Christmas cards her Dc's Xmas presents, and I have had to phone her occasionally to tell her about a death in the family.
I think Op do not loose complete contact with her but keep it minimal. The situation must upset your Mum, so i think that if you leave "the door open" so to speak it perhaps would be better,

I have a similar problem here...some 20 years ago my sister (the sister I was the closest to) decided to just eradicate my husband/my kids and myself from her life...the reason: I invited her then to visit us with her husband/little girl and new baby. Both her family (husband and herself) and mine were very stressed at that time . So I reckon it was not easy for them to come from France (ferry/car etc) and it was no easy for us (our house was on sale-my husband was commuting long distances-we had 2 kids under the age of 10 etc). I did take the week off to do trips in Cornwall etc with them. My husband did not. In fact he was not at home the first days they came: he stayed in London because of his new job (we were moving there because it was too hard for him to be away from.us). On the week-end we had potential buyers coming to view the house. I limited their visit to a specific hour and asked my sister that we go out for a walk with all our kids and her baby at that time, so that the house stays pristine....well she can't forgive me that. She says that I threw her out whilst her baby was sick (the baby-daughter was indeed sick-but I thought that a walk would not do any harm to her.) Following that her husband was extremely unpleasant -bringing up all kind of unpleasant accusations against my husband (you all move from a place you like and you even start a new job -it was a big oromotion fir me BTW- because he does not want to do long distance commutation -whom does he think he is-he might tell you lies about his important new job etc)and us as a family. On Thursday before that week end I kept saying that I have to tidy up the house...her dear husband found it amusing to make as much mess as possible (spilling on the carpet toys/uncooked rice etc to upset my husband when he comes back from his long commuting...) I fully understand that they came because I did insist that they come to relax a bit from the stress they were in (also moving houses and jobs and less money than us at the time and a new baby etc). I did and still do take the blame on myself . I said it. I profusely apologised. I didn't bring up the childish behavior of her husband. A few times it looked as if our relationship is mended a bit-but then they would suddenly lash out at us....it always happens when they have difficulties selling a house . We do sell quickly our houses when we have to move using the conventional tips: keep the house tidy/pleasant/quite neutral but well coordinated colour palette and the prices a bit less than the market. When they visited us they told us that these tips are silly and stupid and real "connaisseurs" (like my sister's husband's brother who is in real estate biz) can see through the mess etc the potential of a house. Because of this philosophy they always had -and still have- problems selling the house they need to sell to move out/on. I stopped trying to convert them to my simple philosophy (i am not a tycoon and not an expert in real estate: i sell and buy a house when we have to.move). So whenever they sell a house (also to move) they have difficulties and it is a trigger. As this happened a few weeks ago. My sister verbally attacked my husband- unprovoked attack, triggered by her nasty interpretation of the way he was talking to my mum (my mum went mad at her because she fully understood my husband). It is then that I undrstood that in fact the sister I cherished is just a phantom now. I am not sure I did not fabricate her. It was then that I told my other sister of their insults and the nasty behavior of the BIL during their visit to us...until then I just focussed on the stressful period they went through when they came to us and how sorry I was that I was unable to help them relax...my family was shocked when i described her husband's behavior (my mum and other sister do not like him anyway)...

It still hurts me. I like families that stay close to each others despite their differences. I still have fond memories of my sister. However I now know that I can do nothing to mend our relationships. Her personality and her husband's one are more and more similar and less and less flexible. ...a niece of mine that is sgood friends with their daughters and mine claim that they are snobbish and think themselves above everybody....they do help a lot my mum and helped a lot my mum that is sure but otherwise they are very judgemental. One of her daughters loved my daughters and complained that her mum behavior prevented from her from enjoying my daughters'friendship. (We always invite her and all her family to family celebrations-not birthdays though-; always talk and hug and kiss her kids when we meet. ) My kids are quite indifferent...the bonding didnt develope. my sister and her husband do not behave nicely toward us their parents. So for them my sister and her husband are like cold strangers and their daughter's like very distant relatives (they talk to them when they meet up etc but that is it...it is very sad that one of my susters daughter tried a long time ago to arrange a meeting with my kids without her mum's knowledge.I knew about it but it didn't happen. ..)

Did I move on? No. Not yet. But I am on the way to accept the situation. The most important:it does not really affect my kids. I am also pulling the wool of my eyes seeing who my sister became/is. I would not have befriended her as she is now. Too inflexible. Too judgemental.

My kids are adult children... my daughter just got married. Interesting that you bring up the kids. My sister's daughter is the same age as my daughter. She recently said to my daughter "something is up with my Mom and your Mom and I don't know what it is... they used to be close and now there is some rift". So.... I told my daughter what happened. We are very close and I figured it didn't matter anymore since I'm not speaking to my sister anyway. It explained a lot to my daughter and she feels very sad for me. We can't help wondering what on earth my sister is saying to her husband and her kids for the reason we never see each other anymore. I guess she will have to deal with that problem full on when I don't invite them over for Thanksgiving. She created the problem herself, so she can figure out how to get out of it. Mentally, I just can't face having her over here anymore. Someone earlier said I am a scapegoat. Not anymore. Some good advice here and helping me to be strong.

You sound a lot stronger!
Family Duty Cards do get punched out sometimes. We can not continuously be a Renewable Resource.

Allison....Wow. You go girl.

Allison I absolutely love your last post! The right attitude to overcome the heartache she inflicted upon you....about the kids: I have seen some kind of hereditary hatred between relatives that is passed from parents to kids....I don't like it...like you I try to preserve future generations from gratuitous hatred... have a wonderful Thanksgiving! (Remember you did your best to keep the family together. ..and remember then to thank her in your heart for having cut herself from your life. She did you a favor. You don't have to lie when she cheats. You finally see who she really is. I know it is still a bit painful.. but you will overcome it...how amazing you have been in propelling yourself forward and away from your deep "bereavement " since you started this post...Stay Strong...)

I am actually amazed but relieved at how many people have no contact with their siblings. I always thought this was a huge faux pas... but comforting to know I am not alone (even if across the pond). This afternoon I went out and bought a birthday card to mail to my sister for later next month (I don't have a cell phone that is easy for texting... believe it or not... I am a dinosaur in that department).

I barely know anyone who is in full contact with their siblings. I am impressed with your posts. Well done for taking those steps forward! It is difficult, but you are on the right path.

Well done for deciding not to invite her to Thanksgiving and not to call her on her birthday! Both good steps.

I agree sending a card is better than an awkward call.

You're a good person. Some people would be tempted to tell the husband and adult children the real reasons for the fall out.

You are going about this with great dignity. But having to see her on TG would be too much. You need to prioritise healing.

OMG I could never tell my sister's husband and her children. That would ruin the family. Not my place. I guess the only reason I kept trying to include her is to make things look normal. I did crumble and tell my Mom about my sister's affair, only because my Mom kept asking me "What have you done to your sister to have her so mad at you". For months I told my Mom "I can assure you, I have done nothing, it is something she has done"... and then I just couldn't take it anymore and spilled the beans. Now it is awkward for my Mom because she understands why my sister is embarrassed to be around me and my husband, but my Mom can't say anything.... so the fewer the people know the better! Safe to say. I am 'done' with my sister. Unless she changes. But I won't hold my breath.. . and even if she changes... can I trust that she wouldn't do this to me again?

but now I am confused... my Mother was talking to my other sister about how me and my sister (the one that had the affair) don't get along anymore. My Mom didn't tell my other sister about the affair, and I assume my other sister does not know since my other two sisters are not close. What is very confusing to me is my other sister seemed to know from my cheating sister that we don't get along anymore. I am now starting to wonder what she has told my other sister, and also, what she is telling her own husband for the reason we don't speak anymore. What could she possibly be giving for the reason we don't speak? Maybe I shouldn't worry about this, as I know for sure she is not telling my other family members about her affair. It is a bit puzzling and I certainly don't want anything to do with her anymore... as she is obviously making something up that is not true.

Don’t worry about what reasons she is giving out, they’re irrelevant. Concentrate on your own life, not hers. I would simply text her a happy birthday and Christmas etc and leave it at that. I agree with your plan to not invite her to family celebrations, why put yourself through the stress over something she did? You’ve done nothing wrong!