Social services / domestic violence

[sayinggoodbye]

Saturday night my husband if 7 years slapped me. He was drunk. And we were arguing. It was terrible and abusive and I am struggling to forgive it.

He is bereft. We have talked at length and he has been to the doctor to discuss what he's done and how he can work on himself to get better. We'd hoped he would get counselling/ anger management/ cbt or something, but nothing has been offered. All that has happened as a result of his seeking help to understand why he became abusive and how he can stop that happening again was a referral to social services.

Our children were not in the house when it happened, it's never happened before, and I feel that I'm being punished for insisting he admit what he did and seek help to prevent it EVER happening again. I'm just sat waiting for the call from them, or , when the dc get back (they are away with my parents) a visit. I feel that the world will now be told and people will form an opinion of my husband that is t necessarily true- presumably the school will find out due to safeguarding (even though the children weren't there!! ) the doctor will have judged us and all for naught.

I'm so disappointed and let down. Does anyone know what will happen next? Will social services force me to separate from him to "protect" the dc?

It all feels like an over reaction now with social services a threat and I suddenly understand why women don't speak up.

If this is the first time & there has never been violence around the children then things will be fine. The social work refferral will be not only to ensure the children are safe but also to ensure u too are safe.
I can see how you may feel like you have now done the wrong thing but you really havent. What ur OH done was very wrong and if you hadnt done anything you would be sending the message that it is ok. It might seem a bit scary at the mo but I do think you have done the right thing and you may find there is more support available for the social work than from ur doctors.
I hope it all works out fot you xxx

It is the first time, and whilst completely unacceptable on all levels, he was drunk, and we were having an emotionally charged and massive argument (that would not have happened sober!) I wasn't hurt or marked etc- but wanted to take a "hard line" on this as I was/ am so shocked that it happened. I felt that throwing away years of a good relationship for one mistake is foolish, but because of the severity of the mistake, I thought we needed to "act" to move past this. And now this. No help, no support, just judgement and shame

Have a look at this OP, they run programmes
respectphoneline.org.uk/help-information/domestic-violence-prevention-programmes/
This will also show SS that he is serious about addressing this.
They won't just swoop in and take your children away, you need to try and see them as a support rather than a threat.

Thank you storm. He's contacted respect already- but their counselling is over 20 weeks and costs £1500 ish, which we just don't have it seems that help for men who want to change is only available for richer men than my husband.

That's a shame. Possibly SS will have links to somewhere he can get some help. I know a lot of people would say that if someone raises their hand to you, then you should leave them. Often they are right. But if your H is genuinely remorseful and willing to address it, which it sounds like he is, then DV programmes can be really helpful. I've seen them work.

In my area you can self-refer to the local mental health service, which runs courses including an anger management one. Likely the Dr would have said if it was the same for you, but worth a Google just in case - try "iapt" and your city/area.

I would just add that generic anger management isn't recommended for domestic violence, and can actually make it worse. He does need a specific DV programme.

That’s a bit pants

OP my DP has been on a waiting list for 'talking change' (counselling) for over two years. (For PTSD and self-medicating.) It's absolutely crap, I agree.

What we did do is manage six private sessions of counselling with a very good male counsellor which cost £245 over the six weeks.

I think social services would be happy to hear that you are both exploring these sorts of options. If you are genuinely on the bones of your arses, your DP could start with three session, maybe. Or ask social services to assist.

You have to stop seeing it as shameful and start seeing it as 'the human village' trying to help. Shit happens to us all.

And I wish you all the very best of luck.

The GP is not judging. She or he is following the correct procedures in order to ensure your DC are safe. And you. The world will not know.

All domestic violence starts from one isolated incident, and few abusers say afterwards they plan to continue so it needs to be taken seriously. Did the GP have no suggestions whatsoever for your DH in terms of how he addresses this problem? It seems strange.

I do think a lack of funding for these things is really sad. The irony is, were your DH convicted of DV he would be ordered onto a programme! He wouldn't have to pay then! Yet here is someone asking for help before it gets to that stage and they're being knocked back. Definitely speak to SS and see what they can offer.

This is what stopped me reporting my ex for strangling me. Happened in his house. Our kids werent present. But you still get referred to ss so I didnt bother. Its the way it goes im afraid. Ive known ss tell couples they have to break up if theres been violence.

No. They offered the choose to change phone number who offered the £1500 counselling. So he called respect having researched it online, who referred him back to choose to change. It some areas it is free, but not ours. He was told he'd be referred to social services and gave his and my contact number for them. The gp then prescribed his anti depressants and sick note and sent us on our way

I know that abuse escalates. I know that there's always a first time. Which is why I insisted on action, and why he is so distraught. It has been very hard for him to approach the doctor and other people and admit that he has become abusive. It is not an easy thing to face up to, and he has done it and is desperately trying to get help.

The argument we had was because of money. We have none, and had to use a food bank last week- that's why we were arguing and the doctors offering laughably expensive counselling the week after referring me to a food bank is, frankly insulting.

Thank you for all your advice.

It isn't an over reaction. The truth is that most men rarely hit once.

Also, he was drunk, which shows lack of control (and also, the drink did not cause this. He hit you because he is violent) what if he hits your child while drunk?

Use SS for your benefit. Ask if they will fund him on this course. If not, see if they know any alternatives. Worst case scenario they could make him move out while he addresses this. I don’t think they will in the circumstances. I feel for you but you haven’t don’t anything wrong or foolish. You are being strong and wise.

The truth is that most who hit men rarely hit once.

Different- I know that most men don't only hit once- that is why we immediately sought help and support rather than assigning it to a "one off". Most men dismiss, excuse and refuse ownership of their abuse, dh has not done that and has immediately acted as he is ashamed and wants to prevent this ever happening again,,whilst acknowledging that just promising it won't happen again because he says so isn't enough- because of the control aspect. As I said previously there aren't excuses and he is responsible for this, but I think that it lets down people who want help to put them in this position.

I'm afraid to ask social services if they would fund a course as I feel that they may then think he's regularly violent and I'm just hiding "the truth" etc. Because I know most women don't speak up on the first occasion and so do they- I'm afraid now that they will presume I'm under exaggerating/ hiding abuse. Which is common I know. We really don't need the extra stress now.

You sought help and support, social services are the ones to offer that so not sure why you feel let down. Be open and honest with them. they have access to courses your husband can go on.

Be careful not to downplay it or they may feel you don't recognise the seriousness of the situation and can't protect your children.

(I've worked for the legal dept of social services for years, so seen the reports a lot etc)

If the GP has diagnosed depression then he may be able to get more support going down that route. There are now lots of free support services for people suffering from depression. Whilst there are many men who will go on to become abusive after the first time there are also many who are so ashamed & shocked by their actions that they will do what ever it takes to ensure it never happens again. Mind.org is a good place to start. Xx

So sorry to hear this happened to you. Good on you for taking a hard line, and glad that he is ashamed and willing to accept support.

If you want to leave there will be support also. I'd worry a bit too about a situation where you need to go to the food bank but he can afford to get drunk - is there more back story here about what is underlying your stress and this violence? It so rarely seems like men are abusive in only on aspect of a relationship.

Don't be afraid to ask ss about the course. Or better yet, dh should ask. It will show he is serious about making changes. SS in most areas is massively underfunded and they may not have the budget for it, but if you don't ask you don't get.

If you are open and honest with the sw, they will be able to see that. If they are any good, they won't automatically assume you are lying. If dh is honest with then and genuinely remorseful, they will be able to see that too.

I really think you should just be honest with SS and say whatever you want to say. If you are "on guard" they will pick up on this and then it will look as though you're hiding things. Contrary to popular belief, SS don't want to break up families. Resources are tight, they don't want to be involved any more than they have to be. Your DH went to the GP himself, no one called the police, he wasn't arrested. He took it upon himself to tell the truth and ask for help. Most men do not do that. SS will know that this is what he did. This will very much go in his favour.

The reason that SS sometimes tell women that the children will be taken (and sometimes do take them) is because of "failure to protect" by the mother. So, in cases where the woman hides the abuse and it comes out some other way (ie the police being called by a neighbour). You have demonstrated that you will not tolerate abuse, that you are a strong and capable woman. They will see that so they will be able to have confidence that you won't place the children at risk in any way. That is why you should be totally honest with them, as they can then have faith in you.

Thank you stuck- no he didn't spend money on alcohol, we drank the vodka that was left from Christmas. He rarely drinks and drank because he was depressed after hearing bad news and our current financial situation. We had an evening without the dc and thought to enjoy a few drinks in commiseration of a friends death but it obviously led to us arguing.

It's not an excuse at all, but I cannot stress enough that we are under huge pressure at the minute, he'd had very bad news and I was, if I'm honest, very horrible to him. It's not a reason and of course my actions are not responsible for his, but I really wish I'd just brushed it under the carpet like a lot of women do.

I didn't have a very good experience with ss, I won't go into the nitty gritty details but in the end I had to make a stage 2 official complaint against them which meant two independent bodies came in to investigate (stage 1 complaint procedure was them basically self governing) and all of a sudden the case was closed.

It started out very mild like yours (only different circumstances) and ss made everything bigger than it was because at the time my ex dh and I were splitting and they came in and took a snap shot of life at that time (me trying to find somewhere to live after leaving dh, emotions running high etc ie; a normal break up and tried to make out like that was "normal" life for us so the kids must be unsafe.) It even got to the stage of a child protection meeting. It was embarrassing for ss when the head teacher of their school praised my dd, said they had no concerns, 100% attendance and no lates. The police had no comments to add and neither did the nurse. Everyone agreed that the kids go under "child in need" rather "child protection " which then followed with the allocated social worker not turning up to the meeting arranged after and not seeing them for 6 weeks after the child protection meeting.

The whole thing was a complete joke and I remember saying to the social worker "what is it exactly you are here for because ss aren't actually helping anyone?" The response was "we aren't here to provide direct help we are here to guide you towards the right help." Oh right, so what "help" are you guiding us towards? "Um..." 🙄

As things moved on in our split and we got more settled ss were really scraping the barrel when finding things on us. They asked the school who said "well we had to ask dc to wash their hands before an activity." Ss actually asked me if I had trouble showering them? I said "no, kids play in the playground before school so are going to get dirty." They have regular showers ffs.

Ss were so concerned until a complaint was lodged then all of a sudden the children weren't a concern anymore so they dropped the case.

I know ss play an important role and help many families. But in my experience they did nothing at all to help, they just created worry, stress and anxiety at a time when we needed calm, less stress and the time we spent worrying about ss could have been time with the kids.

Since they dropped the case we continued to bring up healthy, lovely kids where the school have no concerns whatsoever.

SS remove children when there have been multiple interventions and continuing violence without any change or attempts to keep the children safe. In all honesty it’s entirely possible that SS will read the report and not even take further action.

However if they do visit be absolutely honest and do ask for any support they can recommend. Unfortunately counselling and anger management courses are expensive and very few agencies can afford to access them even for the most needy.

If alcohol was a trigger then taking steps to address that would be a good start- especially if you are needing to use food banks. I say that without judgement but they may raise an eyebrow if they perceive alcohol to be a higher priority than food.

Best wishes for better times.