Social services / domestic violence

[sayinggoodbye]

Saturday night my husband if 7 years slapped me. He was drunk. And we were arguing. It was terrible and abusive and I am struggling to forgive it.

He is bereft. We have talked at length and he has been to the doctor to discuss what he's done and how he can work on himself to get better. We'd hoped he would get counselling/ anger management/ cbt or something, but nothing has been offered. All that has happened as a result of his seeking help to understand why he became abusive and how he can stop that happening again was a referral to social services.

Our children were not in the house when it happened, it's never happened before, and I feel that I'm being punished for insisting he admit what he did and seek help to prevent it EVER happening again. I'm just sat waiting for the call from them, or , when the dc get back (they are away with my parents) a visit. I feel that the world will now be told and people will form an opinion of my husband that is t necessarily true- presumably the school will find out due to safeguarding (even though the children weren't there!! ) the doctor will have judged us and all for naught.

I'm so disappointed and let down. Does anyone know what will happen next? Will social services force me to separate from him to "protect" the dc?

It all feels like an over reaction now with social services a threat and I suddenly understand why women don't speak up.

The GP had to make the referral his/her hands were tied. SS may be able to organise some kind of anger management/DV course, so it could work out to have been a good thing in the end up.

They want to know your children and you are safe, because they can’t just take your word for it, nor can they take his.

Don’t see them as a threat, see them as a way forward.

But I will agree with other PPs, there’s always a first time. Making damn sure it’s the first and last has got to be his priority, and if he’s staying he NEEDS to understand that if there is a next time it’s finished.

What surprised me is the way you’ve sent him off for help and understanding. There may be a possibility that he needs anger management but what did you honestly expect a GP to do? I slapped my wife, oh how awful well there must be a medical expaination for this so here is a counselling referral. Life just isn’t like that. If you didn’t want to involve the authorities it makes more sense to have arranged private anger management (which is no kind of quick fix, he’d be working on it for years)

That said what’s happened to you is sadly common and I don’t suspect SS will do much. They won’t “help” your DH either though .

You must be very shaken up. From the outside it looks like you should be worrying about yourself, the victim, more than him.

Glint- I thought that maybe his anti depressants would need adjusting or changing (apparently they don't) I thought that he'd be offered counselling. I am the victim, and until this appointment felt that way. I felt that I had to be open and upfront and confront the abuse. I didn't want to feel ashamed, and felt that keeping it secrect and not acting on it would only make things worse. I wanted him to fully acknowledge that he had done this and to stay together and move forward I had to see that he was ashamed and wanted to make sure this would never ever happen again. In part I thought that by making him admit it to a doctor and seek help it would cement his understanding of what he did. I wanted to make sure that the first is the last time.

But now we are both afraid of losing our children and are both ashamed at this whole furore.

You shouldn’t be ashamed. Easy to say I know. I hope you guys can move past this and also that your financial position improves. FWIW, I have also been there and the stress it causes is immense and it does cause behaviour that is totally unknown because you are being slowly broken. But when things get better you will recover and life will be ok again. Promise

Why do you think you'll lose your children?

Because despite the social services are there to help you mantra on here- the only second hand experience and impression I have of them is that they aren't. That often it depends on the mood and whom of a social worker who may or may not be any good. An extreme example of a health visitor- where sometimes they are useful, but more often not.
Social services do not have a reputation of helpful and supportive- at least not where I live

OP as gently as possible, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. SS have to be told of DV, it happened when XH assaulted me for the last time and I finally found the courage to report him.

She came to check out if DS1 was ok and that I understood the risks.

I work in an area where i frequently make SS refferals for child/adult protection issues, just to reassure u, many have been made for the same ppl and they dont get their children taken away. Im talking about people who do much worse things and with the children in the house. Please try not to stress too much about this.
Also as I said before try going down the depression route for councelling. Depression is a medical condition and whilst it does not provide an excuse for bad behaviour it can be a cause of changes in someones personality. Its sounds to me like he needs help with his depression, the councelling will give him coping strategies which would hopefully prevent things getting to this level again and return the man u fell in love with xx

Saying my experience of ss was awful, some might say theirs was good (like with anything) but mine took my medical history of depression, which I've had since I was a teen and been on meds, off meds, counselling etc, and used it against me to make me out an unfit mother. They even wrote on the child in need plan that one of the actions needs to be "sort out mrs x mental health problem." I had to point out that depression is a long term disease of the brain and you don't just "sort it out" on a plan. I also pointed out that 1 in 4 people suffer from it, many of whom are parents, and perhaps they need to train their staff to act a little more sensitively towards it. You wouldn't say "that person in the wheelchair, well we need a plan to sort it out because they are a shit mother because of that chair" so don't say "she has mental health issues so she must be harming her children!"

It was disgusting the way they went about it and no one listens!

Children's services ARE the support for you and your partner. The doctor hasn't done this to 'grass' on you he's done it so you can receive support. Most dv cases arnt a one off so some support is needed. Children's services can help you and your partner complete courses on dv. They're not there to make life difficult for you. Just be open and honest and accept the support you say you want.

I had a DV marker on my medical records and that of my DC. I didn’t know about this until I was there once and they grilled me over it. There were 3 events where police were called. SS did not bother with me once - to be honest I would have welcomed them with open arms as I was desperate to get away from him. I don’t really understand the system sometimes because it doesn’t seem to trigger for people when they do need it. Don’t be afraid, it sounds like they could help you with finances too? Perhaps some schemes and the like?