Can't cope with H

[Mouse007]

Please tell me if it's my pregnancy hormones not making me react OTT. For background, we live in the UK but H is from abroad, we are about to buy a house, MIL passed away a few months ago, I am pretty much NC with my parents. We are currently on holiday in H's country.

Over the past few days, H has:

1. Regularly commented to his family how the British are stupid. He says this all the time at home even though I have told him that as a Brit I find this insulting. His favourite phrase: "this would never happen in my country."

1. Compared state maternity provisions with my SIL, then spent the evening googling comparisons of the UK to home country, then spent the evening in a mood because once again, home country is better than the UK. The fact that my employer provisions are better than what I would get in the home country is irrelevant to him, because anyone can lose their job. Everything gets compared to his home country and a declaration made that his home country is superior, and if it's not the case, it does not get talked about/gets forgotten/must be a misunderstanding. The fact that SIL didn't have a midwife until 36 weeks and got left in a hospital corridor after birth because there was no space is never mentioned. His home town provides free childcare, but the fact that there is a 2 year waiting period is also forgotten when speaking about how his home country is better.

1. Scolded me for staying up late at night. He got out of bed, came to the living room, asked me if I didn't think I should be going to bed given that we were visiting his grandmother the next day and we hardly see her, and I need to be fresh for the visit. He talked to me like a child. He could see I was busy and if he had asked me why I was busy, I would have told him it's in preparation for the visit.

Since then, he's only talking to me when there is a necessity. I have asked him why he's ignoring me and he's saying he's not. It's obvious that I'm upset but he hasn't asked why. I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life.

Is this normal for him to behave like this?

Get home ASAP.
You do realise this is who he really is and you will always be “lesser” than him in his eyes?

Don't buy a house with him. He's showing you his true colours. He's a rude twat. And patronises you. I don't know if men like that ever change. But delay the house hunting.

Zoflorsmummy, he doesn't behave like this all the time but it is not out of character. He's regularly saying Brits are stupid, puts things down in the UK and says things are better in his country (e.g. the house we are buying is of poor quality in his eyes, in his country he says he would get better quality for cheaper). I've said to him a number of times that he is condescending to me and talks to me like a child but he doesn't change or apologise.

Fishface, we are flying back tomorrow.

Defiantly don't go ahead with buying a house until you are sure you can live with him. I wouldn't be able to put up with it and would have told him I want a divorce and to go back there by now. My tolerance levels are low though

Funny he didn't stay in his home country then and get a job there and marry a great homecountry girl!
He is a pain but maybe he is not aware that he is doing it all the time. Could you in a constructive way draw his attention to it.
Its not a good idea for you to be acting all upset and hoping he will notice . Just spit out what you feel.
I am presuming the home country isn't lreland or he is having a laugh.
Is he nice in lots of other ways?

Every country has good and bad things and it's silly to compare. Fair enough that he may find certain things frustrating at times, but to constantly carry on like this is unhelpful. I've lived in different countries and it always used to annoy me when ex pats would concentrate on the bad things, rather than the good things and I always wondered why they didn't go home then. You may as well make the most of where you are or move.

What country is he from? Are the men more dominant there or something so he reverts to how the men are when he's home? Would he prefer to live in his country?

Fly home on your own.
Tell him, if his home country is so fucking great he can stay and start a life there. You have had enough and you don't him to come back with you.

This is no way to live and you know it.
He's a bully. He's controlling. He's racist. He puts you down all the time. He's condescending. He's never wrong. He speaks to you like a child.

Seriously. Don't do this to yourself or your DC!

He sees himself as superior to you & the same with his country & the UK. If his home country is so fucking great what was he doing in the UK in the first place & why does he stay?
I'd speak to him & tell him in no uncertain terms to pack it in or fuck off, permanently

It’s siunds like he has let his guard down as is is on familiar territory. Please don’t just bite back your hurt...it may just build up inside you. Try to tell him how you feel. I used to live with my MIL who was Scandinavian and she would say how this or that was better but not in an unpleasant way and it was more jokey. He doesn’t sound very much fun to be honest

Why did he leave that paradise?

I used to go out with a Canadian bloke who was like this. To be fair he was probably right but it did get really tiresome.

Are you staying with his family? My ex H used to become thoroughly obnoxious when we stayed with his family. Showing off and loudly opinionated. As the "outsider" I was fair game, it's almost like he forgot we were married when he went there.

I am an expat, and comparing is something that comes naturally. However, looking down your nose is not.

Is this something that he does intentionally? Does he come from a less developed country and feels lesser, doing this because of a need for reassurance?

I would talk about his reason for these comments. If it is a sense of superiority for been from such and such country, then he is a snob and racist. I would bin him.

Thanks all for your comments. H is from a very successful EU country. These comments are made when we are in the UK too. Some of it is ridiculous e.g. when we had a mould problem in our flat he claimed they don't exist in his country even though his GM lives in a very mouldy flat.

He has a point that some things are better but rather than make the most of what we have, he concentrates and exaggerates the negatives and brings me down. I have tried to have a constructive conversation about it so many times but he doesn't get it because he seee his view as fact.

He would rather go back home and I wish he did rather than just complain about things in the UK. Since my original post I told him how upset I am and how he makes me feel, he continued with his same opinions, admitted that he had made a mistake moving to the UK and has agreed to divorce.

Just read your update, Jesus that all happened quickly. Are you ok?

Oh my goodness OP.
So you're coming home today ?
I hope you have friends and family to support you with the pregnancy.
Reach out to everyone so that they are aware.

Mouse I’m so sorry. It sounds though as if it wasn’t sustainable in the long run. I’m from an EU country too (probably the same one by the sounds of it) and I can see all the differences but wouldn’t constantly compare in such a condescending way.

for you. Be strong.

I'm really upset, I feel that his opinions are more important to him than trying to create a good life for the 3 of us. My flight is booked for tomorrow anyway and I don't want to create drama here with the family, I haven't said anything to anyone.

He's now googling news on the internet, finding stuff that politicians have said, taking it out of context and telling us how in his home country politicians wouldn't say things like that because they aren't stupid like UK politicians.

Blimey. Well, on the one hand he sounds an utter twat and you're well rid, but on the other, you're having a child together. How's that going to work out when he's in paradise and you're here? I'm assuming he's German, btw, so not too far for him to travel to see the child, but too far to be any use at all.

So sorry your marriage has ended in such a way, though, OP.

Sorry but if he kept going on and on I would just have to say something.
Yes yes yes DH, we all know how wonderful you think this country is and how crappy my country is. I've agreed to get a divorce so I don't have to listen to any more of your crap so just stop talking about it for 1 more day and I'll be out of your hair and you can slag me and my country off to your hearts content.

I doubt it will shut him up but it might make him stop for a minute or two????

And.... I'm so sorry OP that this has happened to you.
But I'm also glad you are getting away from this fun-sucking asshole!
((((HUGS))))

What a prick! So rather than find a compromise he's going to miss out on being a full time parent??

I'm not sure how much he has thought it through and whether he realises how serious I am being. He really doesn't get the impact he has. He's just told me that anyone who holds a certain opinion on something we were discussing must be heartless and brainless, I happen to hold that opinion, but apparently it's my choice if I apply his comment to me personally. How else am I supposed to take it?!

We haven't discussed any of the details yet so I don't know how he is imagining things will work.

You need to ask him how he imagines this working.
Does he intend to come back with you tomorrow?
If he does, you can tell him you would rather he didn't.
I don't believe he understands what's going to happen either.
He's just agreed to this to shut you up basically.
It's up to you to take the talk to the next level.
Only then will he understand.

Do you work?
Do you own a house together?
How are costs split right now?
Is he a higher earner or are you?

Start thinking practically and see where that leads.
I've a feeling if you tell him not to bother coming back with you then he'll start massively back-pedaling!

Ide get home first before asking so many leading questions, how far along are you op? Get home in case of giving birth there, I'm interested in what country he's from