It's been years and I still think about him, can anyone else relate?

[Foreignstranger]

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who I really felt was my soulmate. We connected on a really deep physical and emotional level - when it was good it was amazing, but when it was bad it was terrible (nothing abusive, just really topsy turvy and we were both young) and I ended up walking away. We tried again a year later and it was still the same thing, lots of connection but we weren't mature enough and were too different to make it work.

I'm now in a very happy and stable relationship now with a lovely man and have been for a couple of years. I have no contact with my ex and even live in different countries now but I'm ashamed to say that I think about him frequently, wondering what he's up to, reminiscing over some of the memories we shared. He wasn't anywhere near as nice a person as my DP but I can't seem to forget him and the intensity of our relationship. I'm sure we wouldn't have worked in the long run, but somehow he's become the yardstick and everything else seems to fall short in some way although objectively I know this isn't true.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? It makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything and it's awful to feel this sense of loss over 'the one that got away'.

Yes, I have experienced this. It was 20-30 years ago. I met up with him for coffee yesterday, and I still love him very dearly but am glad we didn't get together. I wish his partner of 15 years the best of luck, I like her very much, and I think she has a great deal to put up with.

Even saying that, he has always been my yardstick.

I met my ex husband in my late 20s and we married not long afterwards, had 3 kids, etc the marriage failed 18 months or so ago because we both grown to want different things in life, we stayed in our house, separate bedrooms, financial arrangements, etc while working on getting our own futures sorted. One of the things that I battled with was the feeling that I didn't get the opportunity to do a lot of the exciting (or so I thought) things of being a 20/30 something, so I resisted getting into another serious relationship for sometime, I wanted to experience life, figure out what I wanted from a serious relationship.

I did meet someone very special last year (I'm 44 now and he was 7 years my junior), I resisted developing that relationship because I was coming out of another relationship and my insecurities took over and I thought he'd be better off without being judged about being with an older woman and one with the complications of a failing relationship, kids, etc elsewhere. Unfortunately for me now I am ready I think I've missed my chance with someone who I feel is my soulmate.

Definitely, and I don’t know why because he treated me so poorly.

Met early 20s and fell hard. Very much thought he was out of my league looks wise. We had a lot in common, things I’d never found with people before (geeky hobbies etc.) had the most amazing sexual chemistry. But he was very closed off, and I was clingy. We were opposites, I wanted intense he wanted casual. We were on off for several months until he csllled it off. I then fell pregnant. He convinced me to have an abortion which has really messed me up to this day.

It went really downhill after I came home from hospital to find messages he was sending to his ex, other women etc.
I couldn’t stay away, on and off always arguing, he lied about everything, gaslighted me. He promised to take me out on my birthday, then called to say he had “overspent” on presents and could we do something the night before instead. I ended up cooking for him, spent money buying food etc, (no presents) then found out he was actually taking another girl in a date on my birthday. I called it a day for several months until he came crawling back again. Gave me the whole “food doesn’t taste the same, I can’t sleep, I can’t think” routine.

I WISH I’d been strong enough to say no as in this time I’d met someone amazing (although emotionally scarred from a previous relationship) and I still think about him too. We stayed together for several months after but all the while he was messaging his ex, calling me crazy, gaslighting me, basicslly destroyed my confidence etc. I felt like I needed him in my life. He completely cut me off, it’s been like, 9 years or so but I still think about him, despite being happily engaged to a fantastic man, whom would do anything for me and I love with my entire being. But I still wonder. I craved his attention, and I needed him when I had awful depression re: abortion but he wasn’t there. He promised to be friends but he ghosted me. I hate him but I still pine for that connection I suppose.

Yes I can. There’s always someone I think of and compare other men to but, like other posters, I know for certain it wouldn’t have worked out long term. We were great in the moment just the two of us but he didn’t want marriage and kids and I did and he could be quite cruel and childish at times as well as not being very generous of spirit. BUT conversations were so easy and silences were so comfortable, he had the most amazing laugh, we could talk about anything, made each other laugh and made each other happy most of the time. I really loved him and he took some getting over. I never knew I could cry that much.

I hope I find that ease of communication and sense of fun and joy and being understood again. I’ve been single now since 2014 and can appreciate that kind of connection is rare. I think it’s worth holding out for though.

I was just going to post the same OP - I was with someone for only six months, and yet somehow he seems my soulmate. Previously I’ve only been in very long term relationships, all several years long.

But this relationship was short and was so tumultuous- he was very intense, very passionate and questioning, whereas I do love passion but hate confrontation. We had ups and downs but truly it was as if we’d met before, we just “knew” each other. We had identical backgrounds and similar jobs, which basically never happens for me - he felt like a male me. He did blow hot and cold, it should have been a warning sign. Questioning whether I really was working late, picking fights with me... but mostly he was the most interesting and interested man, so kind and soft but driven too. He was passionate about me and it felt like the first time, not just for my body but who I was, somehow the core essence of me as cheesy as that sounds. We just fit.

Yet one day out of the blue he cancelled our weekend, and on the Monday text me about meeting for coffee, and with a smile broke up with me. No reasons, nothing. He genuinely looked satisfied with it, like an ego boost.

I sound totally crazy, but he just drew me in. And then one day that was it, nothing. I can’t believe it’s the same man.

That was over two years ago, I’ve met someone since. But I very very very stupidly went down an internet rabbit hole yesterday (the timing of this thread!!) when a friend mentioned his ex gf being on Facebook and how he was glad he’d got out of that relationship. I thought I’d do some stalking to cheer me up! It would show me what a tool ex was and how well off I was without him.

Terrible idea... ex has a stunning gf he’s been with maybe a year, he’s taken her home to meet his family, they’ve holidayed maybe ten times already. She’s far far prettier than me, more feminine and dresses up, she also has a highly successful job and appears very intelligent and sweet looking (so much for me putting any personal life problems down to my job!). I feel a dumpy failure. They look happy, genuinely happy.

I’m currently in a relationship with a man who seems to love me but not be in love with me at all. I’ve been with him nearly two years and feel nothing compared to ex.

I think it’s less my love of ex, but the desperation of what could have been. Of coming so so close to what seemed right. And it was an illusion. And worse, only a short relationship so I feel an immature fool.

Maybe we need this thread to discuss all our past heartbreak! It’s quite therapeutic

@Notmyrealname85 I've done the internet rabbithole thing recently too, it's a terrible idea and just makes you feel worse. My ex seems to have really thrived and has a bustling social life and a happy relationship, and it absolutely breaks my heart to think he probably never thinks of me at all. I relate so much to that feeling of what could have been, even if it's just an illusion.

I think the one that got away can stay in your thoughts for years. I had a bf from 18-29. Gorgeous man, adored me. I loved him. Bit tumultous due to being young. Long distance a lot. Anyway he breaks up with me by email.
Then becomes this totally different person. Broke up due to fancying someone else but also because i was getting to wanting children and he dudnt want that. Then gets marrued to new person - not the girl who precipitated our breaking up and they have children long befire i finally do. We arent even in contact anymore
So weird and hard to swallow. But over time i realised how co-dependent we were and that it wasnr a healthy dynamic. But that kind of dynamic mskes fir more passion and intensity. Wouldnt mske a solid martyage tho. Maybe he figured that out before i did. Ill never know.

I think this is really common. Especially if you were young and it was a formative experience. There's one that I left for good reasons and yet he still appears in my dreams. And it's lovely.
Another I was very fond of but feel less attached to, acted really awkwardly when I met him briefly a few years ago. Only later did it occur to me he was like that because he was experiencing strong feelings.
Some relationships become part of who we are. It's much more to do with us than them or whether we should resume the relationship.

I think about my first serious girlfriend often but that's because she was killed when we were 21.

I never think about my other two ex-partners at all.

Yes I'm the same. Saw him recently and he will always be the what if. But it wasn't to be at the time so what would make it work now? The same issues would be there now as they were then. I love my husband dearly though and would never do anything to jeopardise that.

@zzzzz you're right, we never even lived together so we probably would've ended up killing each other with all that intensity and crazy highs and lows. But I can't help but miss it and miss him somehow, and miss the side to me that he brought out.

Yes - and again I was treated badly (I was no saint either looking back).

I think people come into our lives for different reasons.

It was amazing but I couldn't imagine coping with the massive highs/lows of such a relationship long term.

@mayhew I think you're absolutely right, some relationships really get under your skin whereas others just don't. This relationship for me happened at a very formative time and I've never experienced the kind of 'highs' we experienced ever again - though of course the lows were pretty low too! Perhaps a few more years down the track I'll be able to just accept it for what it was, but it still feels like now if I ran into him I'd be a complete mess.

@ShatnersWig so sorry to hear that.

Been there - still there... my one that got away is getting married this weekend I think, but alot of the time like other posters have said I think its all the what if's and over romanticism. I always think we were perfect for each other, especially if I am feeling melancholy, but then in the light of day I think we probably weren't really.

I notice we all still experienced the same, in so much there was huge chemistry there... I have only ever had that kind of chemistry twice and those are the two people I still think about all the time!

@Horsesforcourses23 yep, it's the chemistry that really lingers and makes it difficult to forget. It does hit you especially in those moments of melancholy. I have to be careful not to let myself get too carried away because I have found myself looking at old pictures and conversations and his social media profiles

@Foreignstranger

Honestly I feel you, I was at work the first time I did it and nearly burst into tears when I saw he was getting married. The second guy I ended up deleting him from all social media because its actually too hard to think about and I was struggling to move on.

Weird thing is, the second guy I know we would never work in a million years, I was by far more well suited to the first one but the second.... seesh that had an impact.

Can completely relate! My one is married to an amazing woman with two young kids and apparently sleeping with hookers and taking drugs! Yet I still think of him!!!!

One who got away / first live syndrome ?

That makes me feel better @Horsesforcourses23, when I found out he had a girlfriend I was devastated even though I have a partner myself who I'm very happy with. It makes no sense, does it? Even when you know it wouldn't work out it still really hurts.

@user1486956786 rationally it sounds like you had a lucky escape but I know it's not that simple..

He wasn't my first love @user1486956786 but close to it. Funnily enough I feel absolutely nothing about my first love, I could pass him on the street and have a conversation and feel normal about it. This ex on the other hand...I saw him a few years ago and was dying a bit inside.

Oh wow I can definitely relate to this! Getting married soon to an absolutely wonderful man, who I've been with best part of a decade and love very dearly, though the guy I was with for a couple of years from age 16-18 is my one that got away. Still think about him quite often 10 years later. I think it's like a PP said, because those were formative years it made a bigger impact on me than any other relationship (before my Fiancé).