It's been years and I still think about him, can anyone else relate?

[Foreignstranger]

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who I really felt was my soulmate. We connected on a really deep physical and emotional level - when it was good it was amazing, but when it was bad it was terrible (nothing abusive, just really topsy turvy and we were both young) and I ended up walking away. We tried again a year later and it was still the same thing, lots of connection but we weren't mature enough and were too different to make it work.

I'm now in a very happy and stable relationship now with a lovely man and have been for a couple of years. I have no contact with my ex and even live in different countries now but I'm ashamed to say that I think about him frequently, wondering what he's up to, reminiscing over some of the memories we shared. He wasn't anywhere near as nice a person as my DP but I can't seem to forget him and the intensity of our relationship. I'm sure we wouldn't have worked in the long run, but somehow he's become the yardstick and everything else seems to fall short in some way although objectively I know this isn't true.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? It makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything and it's awful to feel this sense of loss over 'the one that got away'.

It's been more than 20 years... But when I'm in a pickle my thoughts always turn to him because he really got me.

Last year I did some internet stalking. He's aged terribly, in his wedding photos he looks utterly miserable and it doesn't look as though there are children in the picture.

So in my head I can kid myself we're equally miserable. ;)

There are different 'types' of soulmates, going by the dynamic you describe it sounds like he could have been a karmic soulmate.

www.meetmindful.com/soulmates-and-karmic-relations/

Wow interesting read! I'm drawn to things like that I'll look more into it thanks for posting

Yes. We split 12 years ago, I've been with someone else for years, recently married, but I have had frequent, vivid dreams about him and us for about 8 years now. I wake up from then feeling as devastated and lost as I did back then. It's heartbreaking and I just want to cut him out of my mind, but my subconscious won't let me!

I can relate to this. I was seeing a guy and he announced he was moving to find work... nothing said about where I'd fit in or anything. I was hurt and immature.
Things cooled off and I started seeing my now dh. Other guy was hurt when he found out.
I see him often. I always wonder what if. Had I gone with him it might not have worked but life would be very different.
I think that's what keeps dragging me back to him. Life here has been painful, difficult and shows no sign of let up.
He has been successful in his/our field. I would have too had I moved away regardless of either man. I'm at the bottom of the pile still.

Sorry I'm no help

@Moneypenny007 I think what you're alluding to is the feeling that not only have you missed the person but also the life you could've had with them. My circumstances are different in that I've materially improved my circumstances by being with my current partner - my ex was a bit of a dropkick really. But he was lots of fun and never cared what anyone thought of him, and I miss the recklessness and fun he brought out in me.

I get those dreams too @dreaming174, good to hear that I'm not the only one. I have to admit though that part of the reason why I'm not forgetting is because I simply don't want to. Rightly or wrongly I miss the excitement of those times and want to hold on to the feeling in some small way, as much as it hurts.

I'm not the sentimental type I'm afraid and my previous relationships all came to an end for good reasons. I think it is okay to reminisce but as long as that doesn't end up in deceit either for your dp or yourself.

And just remember, I suspect that many of the wonderful men you are with may also be carrying flames for lost loves. If that makes you feel uncomfortable then perhaps something to think on in terms of redirecting that wasted energy into your current relationships.

Yes. I thought we were blissfully happy, we had looked at houses, I loved him without reservation. I somehow felt very safe in this relationship because he wasn't flashy or even particularly good looking. It was a long distance relationship and we had firm plans for me to move South West to be with him. I knew he had a lot on at work (an academic with a specialist interest). I wash shocked to the core when I discovered he was with someone else, someone who had several characteristics that he had previously said were a turn off.
It took me aver long time to recover.
he is always on the television at election time in his specialist capacity, he writes in weekend newspapers and had some success in a field outside his work which resulted in lots of pictures in a particular sporting press. It still breaks me up every time I come across him in these contexts. He is divorced from "her" now, and I sort of think that makes it particularly unfair, as i was confident we were made for each other. I try to tell myself that he is overweight and grey but it is not convincing.

I’m a little different. I don’t want to be with him or wonder what might have been but I do miss his friendship terribly. He remained a huge part of my life for a few years afterwards but when he met his girlfriend (I think she is now his wife) she just didn’t want him to have anything to do with me. Which I’ve always been fine with but it was very sudden and to do this day there’s still stuff that happens and my first thought is ‘ah, must tell x...’

I don't know if long term we would have worked out. It's the not knowing I suppose.
I do love dh and we have a nice life and are lucky in many respects.
He really shows off his perfect life which at times is hard to take.
I don't think he dwells on me the same way.

Funny you posted this today because I was dreaming away about him all night.

Yep. My ex boyfriend. We were together 6 months. Pretty toxic relationship though - jealousy on both parts. Amazing sex, and real feelings of lust but the relationship never really developed into anything meaningful. I just really, really longed for him. Adored him. He broke up with me, and I probably tried a bit too hard to make him want me.

He was nowhere near as kind, loving, attractive, funny or amazing as my OH. But I think about him frequently. At least weekly. No clue why as I would never go back to him. I do sometimes think about what I did wrong in our relationship, and wish I could go back and dump him though!

Sounds just like my relationship with my ex @Tunnocks34. Really intense dynamic, loads of chemistry. My OH is so much better for me but the connection with the other guy lingers on in my mind.

I had the most amazing bf from 16-18 that I still think about, we were far to young though. He went off to uni and I stayed home and then he inevitably cheated. I was absolutely crushed.
We met up occasionally for sex but it didn’t seem to end up anywhere.
Then I met my now DH when I was nearly 20, I still think of the ex now though. He’s very successful in his field and his now wife is too.l
Coincidentally we have given one of our sons the exact same name (first and second!) which is really freaky and we only found out after I bumped into him one day out shopping. My son is 3 years older than his though.