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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help :(

27 replies

October16 · 13/08/2018 16:37

Hi ladies/men,

I’m new here, I’ve read previous posts and found them helpful and thought I’d join and share my problems if that’s ok.

I don’t have children either so I hope that is also ok.

I am 30 years old and my partner is 47, he has 2 grown up children who I get on very well with.

When we got together I was this young pretty bubbly person with a huge personality I lived on my own with my cat and was proud of what I’d achieved alone.

I have been with my bf for 5 years now and over that time I’ve changed into a scared quivering mess. I’m not too sure how or when it happened but now I’m at the point where my whole life is solely dependent on him.

This relationship has been very damaging and I’m continually told how shit I am and how crap I make everything and how he could have any bird he wanted. I literally can’t remember the last time he complimented me or made me feel secure. Even today I got up and went to work at 7am and got a text around 9 telling me how shit I am coz I dropped a hair clip on the floor and he stood on it, my whole week will be miserable for this error now. I get the blame for everything. Even things I don’t do. A couple of years back he thought I had used my vibrator coz apparently it wasn’t in the same spot in the drawer as before. I actually didn’t use it but ended up saying I had and throwing it away for him. He says I say things that I really don’t think I do, he tells me what I’m thinking all the time, if I raise a problem it’s always because I’m a shit gf. I know that everything is so unatural and not love but I have a major problem. I stopped working coz he insisted I stay at home (not to have children-apparently I’d make a terrible mother 😔) I have no money basically. I finally got the courage to get a job but its very small hours and with the constant threat of being thrown out and him taking my car (I need it for work) I never know if I’m going to make it into work so it’s all so insecure.

As I write this tears stream down my face. I am a totally broken women I have no one who can help me or get me out of this. When I look for help I can only find help for women with children.

Is there anything I can do without being homeless?

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
37KAT · 13/08/2018 16:45

Goodness. I'm sorry for you, I think you need to find support and end the relationship. Thinks will get better. You're still young. Good luck

Original poster
October16 · 13/08/2018 16:48

thank you 😔 I know what needs to happen it’s just I know he will take everything he possibly can from me and it’s surviving with nothing which is scaring me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 16:49

It's great that you know you need to get away from him.

Now, think practically. Where can you go to? Do you have friends or family who can help you? All you need to do is to find a time when he's not there to pack up everything and get the hell out of there.

Just re-read and realise he takes your car to work. Have you got spare keys? If so, let him take it to work, then go there and get the bloody car and drive home, pack up and leave.

He's an insecure bastard who can only cope by making you feel worse than him.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 16:50

Women’s Aid can help OP, they’re not just for women with children.

If you can get online can I recommend the freedom programme? It might help you to make sense of things in your own mind as you make plans to leave. It’s really very helpful and unravels the confusion abuse so often causes.

Flowers for you. You can get out, life can and will get better.

Original poster
October16 · 13/08/2018 16:54

I feel like I can’t think, everything is such a huge mess. I know it sounds crazy but I have a cat and that’s all I have and he will never let her in if I leave her.

I have friends but it will be a temporary thing and to be honest no one even knows how bad everything is.

Today someone at work told me how impressed they were by me and my attitude and I cried. I cried because that’s the first time in so so long that anyone has said anything nice to me.

I had a very harsh childhood- I was sexually abused by a family memeber and I did something about it. I went the police and lost close connections to my family so I really can’t go crying to them

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 13/08/2018 16:55

You do need to get out. What options do you have that could allow you to leave him? Like a previous poster said, any friends or family?

MellowMelly · 13/08/2018 16:56

Sorry, just read your latest post. I would leave asap and head to your friends and tell them absolutely everything. You’ll need support and from there you can start to rebuild your life.

Original poster
October16 · 13/08/2018 16:56

Thanks for the info on the online stuff. Im looking at it now

OP posts:
Moonflower12 · 13/08/2018 16:56

Oh my goodness. You are not crap. He is.
Please get out somehow. It will only get worse.
As others have advised-WA please.
Do you have family or friends who can help?
Please keep us up dated.
And don't cry. Let's get you sorted. You will get lots of emotional support from everyone on here.

Moonflower12 · 13/08/2018 16:58

Sorry- saw your update. Hide your history on the device you're using.
Tell your friends. I'm sure they will help. There are people who will foster your cat until you are sorted.

Desmondo2016 · 13/08/2018 16:59

I think you need to pick the best person you can out of your friends. Do it today. You will know which one that will be. Discuss it in real life and put together a plan, be that leave immediately or get the ducks in a row and work towards your exit. You do know the relationship has to end so do that the best way you can for you. Good luck.

Original poster
October16 · 13/08/2018 17:01

He tells me he hopes I crash and die, and to be honest the thought has crossed my mind but I’m too much of a coward!

I’m just scared, I’m scared everything is about to change and I’m not sure If I can even do it.

I have one friend who I would trust with my life but she has recently had a baby and is suffering with post natal depression. I am her rock so I can’t just turn up there and put all this on her. She has her own relationship probs that they are working through.

OP posts:
Original poster
October16 · 13/08/2018 17:03

Thank you so much everyone. It’s mad strangers care so much. I, so grateful

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 17:05

What an awful thing to say to you OP, so cruel and hurtful!

You are not what he tells you you are.

You matter, you are important, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of being treated with respect and kindness.

If you ever feel mixed up or ground down repeat it to yourself, over and over again.

Because it’s true. You have it within you to find the way out, and you can do it.

Musti · 13/08/2018 17:08

Hey lovely. Speak to your boss and see if they can increase your hours or look for a full time job. Once you have that, you can leave and rent. Also look at what you'd be entitled to. Speak to women's aid and to the citizen's advice bureau. You'll be fine. You're strong and you've done this before. And open up to your friends about this and I'm sure they will help and support you.

Thamesis · 13/08/2018 17:11

Oh OP - he is horrible. You are not. Reach out to Women's Aid - they will help you find a way out and build yourself back up.

You CAN do this and be that lovely, bubbly, confident person once again Flowers

Bananalanacake · 13/08/2018 17:13

Can a friend look after the cat as you find somewhere to live. I wish you well

RachelAnneJ · 13/08/2018 17:22

Tell your friends. No matter what was happening in my own life, helping a friend in a situation such as yours would be a given.

As others have said, Women's Aid will help you.

Tentomidnight · 13/08/2018 17:23

You sound so sad andworn down by the cowardly prick of a man.

You mention your car, is it in your name?If so,couldyou sell it for cash and rent close to work/public transport to work? Do you have any money saved, or can you try to save some cash? Can you increase your hours at work?

I’m sure the amazing MNers here can help you with an escape plan, you are so young and have 50 years ahead of you. Please don’t waste them being a shadow of your former self.

Do you know anyone who could foster your cat for a few weeks whilst you find another place to live? Maybe somebody you know who already has cats?

whylie · 13/08/2018 17:29

Hi, I don't even know you OP but I have something to say about you;

You are a BRAVE, COURAGEOUS, MATURE WOMAN...😊...💐

Your OH is a piece of SHIT!

Narcissistic, selfish, disgusting human being!...🤬...🤮...nothing but a controlling, manipulative BULLY!

Google your local DV charity and call them, as for you not having a child that is great right now but don't think you are less important all because you don't have one!
I agree with other plasters about asking your boss for more hours, so you could start to rent your place or if you were to go to a refuge see how far walking distance it is from your work or public transport.

Please don't harm your self in any way cause of this PIG!
You are still very strong inside OP , you reported a family member to the police , that takes some courage and strong will to do that! And YOU did it..🙂

Good luck OP...💐💐💐💐

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/08/2018 17:32

Please speak to your friend who has just had a baby. Part of post natal depression can be feeling isolated and cut off from the life you had before and feeling like your whole life now revolves around the baby. It could actually be good for her to know that you need her support and advice, that she can still be a friend as well as a mum.

Even if she can’t help you practically (eg with somewhere to stay) due to being mired in baby stuff, I’m sure she would still like to reciprocate the support you’ve shown her.

Also second/third the suggestion to speak to Women’s Aid. They can help you with a plan and practical support. He sounds seriously abusive, this is not just a demanding and highly strung BF, he has isolated you and ground you down, to the point you feel stuck and hopeless. It’s not hopeless, there is a good life out there waiting for you. And MN will be here to hold your hand while you get yourself together. FlowersBrewCake

sarahjconnor · 13/08/2018 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 17:36

Speak to your friends and try to call womens aid as well, you can leave him and you'll be so much happier

Thamesis · 15/08/2018 10:56

How are you OP?

Wherearemymarbles · 15/08/2018 12:23

The person you were when you met him is still in there

The person who stood up to her abuser is still in there.

Your partner is a pathetic little man and a coward. Think of him like that, as some souless pathetic little man who needs to control you. He even needs to check your vibrator usage?

People can and will help you. I hope you are ok.