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Original poster

Her first time away with him

48 replies

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 10:50

He left us, he's a good dad, not very involved but he loves her. This week he wants to take her away for a break to see him mum which is obviously his right.

But it's the first time I'll be apart from her. She's 10 and is my world. She's cried and said she doesn't want to be away from me and I have to encourage her to go.

I'm worried about her, I know they'll look after her but he tried to take her down for a weekend a while ago (when we were still together) and she hated it, spent the whole time FaceTiming me and he brought her back after one night as she was so upset.

I'm a mess. I'm sure he's cheating and that's why he left. I'm paranoid about everything and imagining all worst case things - that he'll turn into Disney Dad suddenly whilst I have to do all the day-to-day boring stuff. That his new gf will have kids her age who she'll love. That he'll take her away from me somehow and it will kill me.

I know that I have to let her go, I know that she is getting older and needs to be able to go away from me but I just wanted to let her do it in her own time - sleepovers with friends and stuff. She gets homesick - so do I even at my age.

How do you cope, what did you do the first time they went away? I need to encourage her so she enjoys herself, I know that is the right thing to do. But when she cries and says she doesn't want to go what can I actually say that is helpful and positive but so she knows how much I love her.

She's my only child, I never thought I'd have her and I know I've wrapped her in cotton wool all her life. But her nature is to want security and she doesn't like change. I know that I'm the same so I don't think I've made her like that, she's just naturally the same and loves her home.

She can take her dog with her so she will have him there. He loves her I know he does but it's going to be so tough to say goodbye to her for the first time.

OP posts:

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 13/08/2018 11:01

Omg its so so hard it really is! my two young children go to their fathers for a whole week, he wont let me speak to them during that time and does the bear essential for them. Its truly hard but you do have to to disconnect.
You dont want you child struggling because of your own worries esp if the worries arnt really about her but about yourself. Agree a time that you can speak to her everyday but discourage her face timing you all the time as she will struggle to have a good time if shes constantly on the phone.

Unfortunately this is one of these horrible situations that your own feelings really have to be second to your child's needs. Be strong in front of her and make sure you have plenty to do when shes away, meet up with positive people . YOu will both get used to it.xx

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 11:05

You're her mother, nobody will ever replace you, keep telling yourself that otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy. And I think you should encourage her to go and spend sometime with her grand parents, I'm sure they love her and the more people who love your child in her life the better, surely?

Original poster

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 11:11

Could you give me some actual words to say. I know she'll be crying when I hand her over to him. So what do I say right there and then to encourage her and make her excited about the week?

I won't cry and I will be strong for her but it would be so good to have something ready to say to her.

I know she needs a good relationship with his family but whilst we were together unless I sorted something out then we never went down there. In the end I stopped doing it and we seriously haven't been down for 2 years. Now within 2 months of leaving he's suddenly desperate for her to see his family. He seriously couldn't be bothered before.

OP posts:

Original poster

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 11:35

Please anyone - just some ideas for what I can say when I hand her over?

OP posts:

Cawfee · 13/08/2018 11:37

I really feel for you. Nobody should have to be apart from their little ones in these circumstances :( why do they have to take them away overnight? It suits some kids but not others. If she doesn’t want to, then she shouldn’t have to go. Not everyone likes being away from home. Not all kids are confident. The law needs changing. If his mother wants to see her then she should be the one to travel to see her grandchild

Cawfee · 13/08/2018 11:38

You just hug her and say “I’ll be on FaceTime when ever you need me. I love you”

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 13/08/2018 11:38

It's a positive thing that he wants her to have a relationship with her extended family. I'm livid that my ex has cut contact with his extended family.
Just reasurre her. Remind her that she's with her father that loves her very much and that you look forward to seeing her on her return. Remind her that your both have loads of cool things to talk about as you also have lots of things your doing. Do not let her think your be home and sad. Just be really up beat about it all.
At some point he may want her for a week in the school holidays so shorter holidays to let her get used to being away are pretty essential.

BarbedBloom · 13/08/2018 11:42

I would just give her a big hug and a kiss and say, see you in x days. I think it might help if you don't make it into a big deal. She can call or Facetime with you if she misses you. Maybe plan something nice to do together when she comes back so she can look forward to that. The first time will always be the hardest.

Cherubfish · 13/08/2018 11:43

Bright and breezy is the way to go OP. "Have a super time, DD! I can't wait to hear about it all when you get back. Love you!"

SeaCabbage · 13/08/2018 12:05

How many nights is he planning to take her away for? And she's only managed one night away before?

I think it's too much too soon and he is putting his own needs before hers. It sounds like she would need encouraging to go away for one night which might be fair enough but several? It sounds like your daughter will find it too much. At ten, I think you know what you like.

I would appeal to any good side he has and see if he would cut the trip short.

ShatnersWig · 13/08/2018 12:07

Nobody should have to be apart from their little ones in these circumstances

Um.... how does that work, then?

The law needs changing.

Please explain how.

If his mother wants to see her then she should be the one to travel to see her grandchild

What if the grandmother can't drive or isn't in the best of health?

At 10, the child needs to be encouraged to be fine in handling overnight stays as she'll soon be being asked for sleepovers with friends and can hardly keep bursting into tears because mummy won't be there. Christ, most kids have spend nights with grandparents long before the age of 10 even if parents haven't divorced. I know I did. What about things like cubs, scouts, brownies and guides which tend to do camps or overnight activities? Did lots of those before 10 too.

Original poster

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 12:23

He wants her to go from Wednesday to Sunday. Then away for a full week at half term.

She was 7 the last time so she has obviously grown a lot since then and become more confident. But she hasn't seen anyone from his family since then as he never bothered to sort out visits.

She has done one sleepover and I've been encouraging her to do more. I know she has to/will become more independent and I want that for her, I really do. I just wanted it to happen at her pace.

She's had to put up with her dad being an arse for the last 12 months, walking out on us time after time, now left for good, selling her home, changing to a new school and now being told she has to go away without me for the longest time ever. It's a lot to deal with even for a confident outgoing child.

I just want what's best for her so it's how to handle the saying goodbye when I drop her off at his.

OP posts:

Original poster

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 12:25

can hardly keep bursting into tears because mummy won't be there. Christ, most kids have spend nights with grandparents long before the age of 10 even if parents haven't divorced.

That's not very kind. Your experience doesn't make it right.

I stayed away at lot as well when I was young as I had younger siblings. I also went to boarding school. I still get extremely homesick even as an adult and I've just had to learn to cope with it.

I didn't want that for her.

OP posts:

topsy2tails · 13/08/2018 12:30

I have a grand daughter like this. All the other kids love to stay with us, and so does she.......but come bedtime she wants mummy and daddy.
I would never force her.

SeaCabbage · 13/08/2018 12:32

I think the point is that she is not close to her dad and therefore four nights away with him may not be very nice for her.

Yes, there will be sleepovers and club camps and all sorts but then she can choose which ones she wants to go on and also maybe just go for one or two nights.

Each stay away is different and four nights away is going to be a jump for her. Do you think he will look after her properly? Does she feel loved and secure with him? These are the crucial factors in this situation surely?

Slimmingsnake · 13/08/2018 12:33

I don't get this.....why is having to go when she dosnt want to? He fucked off and left...why do his needs to see his daughter triumph hers to not go...sorry I'd be saying no...take me back to court ,and I'd tell the court she dosnt want to go...why the fuck should she be forced to go?

ShatnersWig · 13/08/2018 12:36

OP I realise I came over a little harsher than I meant to, but you said her nature is to want security and she doesn't like change. I know that I'm the same so I don't think I've made her like that, she's just naturally the same and loves her home

I agree, we may have different experiences, but in mine it's very often how our parents treat us that make us who we are. And while you say you don't think you've made her like that, and she may well have just inherited that from you, you do also say I know I've wrapped her in cotton wool all her life which may suggest you have mothered her perhaps a bit too much?

I say may and not have, please note.

I'm sure she'll be fine and if he is at last stepping up to be a more involved dad, that's a good thing for her. I know it's hard, but it had to happen sometime and I think before she goes off to secondary school is wise.

Sweetsongbird1 · 13/08/2018 12:37

I know I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’d say she’s not going.

She doesn’t want
She is crying because she doesn’t want to.

Visitation isnt the NRP right. It’s the child’s right. If the child wants to see dad then that must be upheld. I think forcing kids to places they don’t want to for the benefit of adults is awful

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 12:40

I know I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’d say she’s not going.

I do see where you're coming from but at the same time parents have to also help their kids be independent people from them aswell, it's healthy to be able to spend a little time away although maybe in this situation a whole week may be too long if she gets that upset, maybe a compromise of a couple of days to start with until she feels better about going away with him would be a better idea?

MoltenLight · 13/08/2018 12:45

I wouldn’t make her go, he hasn’t got a right to take her against her will.

BUT

If you feel like she should go I would make or give her a little calendar/diary so she can mark off the days til she can see you again and write a little bit about the fun things she did on the day to tell you about it when she gets back.

If she has an iPad or whatever you can get journal apps that you could share a log in to and she can post you pictures and a little message about what she’s been up to and you can reply and say how much fun it looks and how excited you are to hear about the next day. Make it fun and jolly her along, don’t make it about her being ‘taken away’ from you. I wouldn’t FaceTime either as it’ll just upset her to see you every day and make her miss you more.

Loopytiles · 13/08/2018 12:45

Sorry he left.

He’s not a good father if for 10 years or even recently he was “not involved”.

It’s not in your DD’s interests to be anxious if away from you, and it’d be good to build her independence, but 5 nights may be too long for her at first. Could your ex take her down for a weekend the first time?

PoesyCherish · 13/08/2018 12:46

It's possible she's picking up on how worried you are. Kids typically are very astute even when adults try to hide things.

I think you just have to gently encourage her. Tell her you're excited to hear all about it when she's back and you're excited to help her all about that you've been doing when she's back too.

I think it's likely if you stopped him and he did take it down the court route that they'd allow him to take her away anyway. So it'd be better for you to let her go and just gently encourage her rather than potentially come across as obstructive.

PookieDo · 13/08/2018 12:54

When this happened to me and mine were younger I had to pretend it was the most exciting thing EVER

OMG YOU WILL HAVE SOOO MUCH FUN
YOU ARE SO LUCKY

basically OTT happy excited encouragement

Otherwise you could add to her worry about leaving YOU behind

Original poster

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2018 12:56

I agree, we may have different experiences, but in mine it's very often how our parents treat us that make us who we are. And while you say you don't think you've made her like that, and she may well have just inherited that from you, you do also say I know I've wrapped her in cotton wool all her life which may suggest you have mothered her perhaps a bit too much?

The thing is I have tried to give her a different experience to mine where I had to go away. I wanted her to do these things when she was ready not because she was told to. I wanted her not to be homesick like I get but to be confident from being secure.

Yes she loves him and he loves her, he will look after her I'm sure. She doesn't know his family too well but I've always spoken about them to her - especially her Gran.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2018 12:56

I'd say it's too much to start with, especially if she's crying and saying she doesn't want to go. I don't think it's normal for a child of that age to be so upset about staying with her father for a few days, is she saying she doesn't feel secure with him? Most children feel safe with either parent, if she doesn't. maybe there's a bigger issue and he's not such a good dad as you thought.

How often does she see him normally?

I think contact, especially overnight contact, needs to build up slowly. If she's not happy with 4 nights, or a week, try overnight a few times first. Increase the frequency of contact if she doesn't see him regularly. He should be prepared to bend over backwards to make it easy for her.

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