Her first time away with him

[RebeccaWithTheGoodHair]

He left us, he's a good dad, not very involved but he loves her. This week he wants to take her away for a break to see him mum which is obviously his right.

But it's the first time I'll be apart from her. She's 10 and is my world. She's cried and said she doesn't want to be away from me and I have to encourage her to go.

I'm worried about her, I know they'll look after her but he tried to take her down for a weekend a while ago (when we were still together) and she hated it, spent the whole time FaceTiming me and he brought her back after one night as she was so upset.

I'm a mess. I'm sure he's cheating and that's why he left. I'm paranoid about everything and imagining all worst case things - that he'll turn into Disney Dad suddenly whilst I have to do all the day-to-day boring stuff. That his new gf will have kids her age who she'll love. That he'll take her away from me somehow and it will kill me.

I know that I have to let her go, I know that she is getting older and needs to be able to go away from me but I just wanted to let her do it in her own time - sleepovers with friends and stuff. She gets homesick - so do I even at my age.

How do you cope, what did you do the first time they went away? I need to encourage her so she enjoys herself, I know that is the right thing to do. But when she cries and says she doesn't want to go what can I actually say that is helpful and positive but so she knows how much I love her.

She's my only child, I never thought I'd have her and I know I've wrapped her in cotton wool all her life. But her nature is to want security and she doesn't like change. I know that I'm the same so I don't think I've made her like that, she's just naturally the same and loves her home.

She can take her dog with her so she will have him there. He loves her I know he does but it's going to be so tough to say goodbye to her for the first time.

ShatnersWig I don’t have to explain shit to you. Just because you think kids should be forced to spend nights away from their mother, doesn’t make it right. If it gets to the point where she wants sleepovers with her friends then I’m sure her mother will accommodate that. She may never ask. Not everyone wants to do that. I’ve got one very sociable child who loves staying away and loves going to discos. I’ve got one who will not stay away and hates music. Both have been raised the same. They are individuals and everybody’s different. If a 10 year old doesn’t want the go away from home overnight then nobody should be made to force them. If extended family want to see the child then they can book a nearby hotel and go visit. Why does a vulnerable, upset child have to be made to appease and accommodate everybody else? They are the adults. They should do the travelling and the staying away. Not the child. The law needs to be changed so that if a child explicitly expresses a wish not to stay away from their home overnight then they don’t have to. I’m sick of courts whitewashing over kids wishes just to appease the wishes of grown ups. A trip to softplay and the movies for a day is enough. A kid should always get to sleep in their own bed at night if they personally express the want to do so. They aren’t puppies or goldfish to just be transported here there and everywhere. This father has gone from not being involved to suddenly expecting the child to be happy/confident with a weds to Sunday stay away from everything they know. Not right. One of my kids would be fine with that. The other wouldn’t. Personal preference and choice should always be considered or do the kids not deserve a right to choose or be who they are?

Some kids just get homesick

My DD2 has always been this way and has only lasted on sleepovers when I have been there too, she’s 14 now and has hated sleeping at her dads house for 10 years so has now stopped. I don’t think it’s anything did becasue DD1 is not the same

But I think the language you use and the sadness could lead to DD feeling guilty for you, so just be careful. She doesn’t need to worry about mummy as well

Cawfee yes to your entire post!

@Cawfee So, if parents split up, there should be no shared custody whatsoever and the child should only ever sleep in one bed, and never spend any nights with their other parent?

Note, I use the word parent, whereas you only use the word mother.

Has she not been on a school residential yet, presumably there is one coming up in y6?
Plan a treat for you two to do together when she gets back from the planned visit. Limit facetime while she is there to an agreed 10 minutes per evening.

I don't know about this one. I'm very much for children being taught to be independent. But I think what she's actually had to deal with deal with a lot more than many children at 10; plus the fact that she is an only child and she doesn't have reassurance of a sibling - someone to share the experience with and give comfort, makes this case different from general run of the mill homesickness concerns.

In this particular circumstance, taking into account everything else, I would say if she's that upset about going she doesn't have to go. She could maybe do one night, and then start from there.

Once she is comfortable and confident with one night, then she can do a weekend, and once that is normalised she can do a week.

I don't think DH's right to see his child trumps her emotional wellbeing. Particularly given what he's put her through.

Shatnerswig it’s not as black and white as that and each case should be seen differently.

Parents just can’t assume that they can take their kids out of their safe environment AGAINST their kids wishes, when they when they pick and choose.

They are not objects or trophies that either parents owns - they are little people with their own thought, fears and feelings.

Her dad is being selfish

She's had to put up with her dad being an arse for the last 12 months, walking out on us time after time, now left for good, selling her home, changing to a new school and now being told she has to go away without me for the longest time ever. It's a lot to deal with even for a confident outgoing child.

Underneath it all, she may not trust him - if he kept walking out on you both and she associates his leaving with losing her home and changing schools - even simply on an unconscious level.

If you don't treat your children well, it's hardly surprising if they're reluctant to spend time with you.

It's so early and yes everything is in turmoil. We haven't got any formal arrangements in place yet - I just want her to see lots of him. You read on here quite often that fathers who weren't involved so much when living together do step up once they have to take responsibility. I hoped that's how this would turn out.

I don't know why he's so keen to take her to his mum's right now but I've been trying to tell her how exciting it will be (she lives on the coast) and that she'll see her cousins again, how much her gran will spoil her and to get her excited. And she is. But then the last few nights she's been crying and saying she doesn't want to go without me.

I think he should take her with the proviso that he brings her back early if she is upset. That's probably the right thing to do.

I was just thinking about that moment when I hand her over if she's crying.

Agreed Sweetsong.

Tied to your apron strings, I know all about that, I was like that. Couldn't leave my mum out of my sight. It was always her and me. As from when I was six, mum decided that wasn't healthy and grit her teeth and encouraged my meeting others and joining more outgoing pursuits. Not ott, but I was fine with family and extended family and are quite independent. Swallow your sadness and encourage her, give her confidence, plan something to do when she returns, so she fully understands its not forever.

@Sweetsongbird1 Which is precisely why I was asking how the law should be changed because every case is going to be different, so how on earth do you legislate for that? It's important to try and get a good relationship between both parents unless one of them of whichever sex is a real loser or danger to their kids. It shouldn't be about the gender.

It's clear that although the OP said this will be the first time away from her child, it isn't. There has been one sleepover at a friends and the dad did try to have the child once before but the child was so upset he brought he back home after one night - which sounds like very reasonable parenting.

It's absolutely right to try again to try and help the child's growth and relationship with her dad. Now we know it is'a longer break that a two night weekend, I would have tended to agree that four nights may well be too long this time.

He won't bring her back though, he won't want to admit she's didn't have a good time and she will hide her upset if she feels it.

Is there any possibility of you taking a flat down there, and her spending time with her grandma, dad and cousins during the day?

s clear that although the OP said this will be the first time away from her child, it isn't. There has been one sleepover at a friends and the dad did try to have the child once before but the child was so upset he brought he back home after one night

That's only because it was a potted history to give a picture, not the full breakdown. But for the record

1 successful sleepover
3 non-successful sleepovers
1 non-successful visit to his mum's
I have had to stay away for work for a couple of nights 3 or 4 times
Her dad obviously hasn't been coming and going all year but finally left 2 weeks ago

Both our families live a long way from us so there has been no way of her just going for sleepovers with grandparents or cousins to get used to being away from home but with people she knew.

@Cawfee So, if parents split up, there should be no shared custody whatsoever and the child should only ever sleep in one bed, and never spend any nights with their other parent? That's not what she said, and you know it. The word is FORCE. No one should be forced to go anywhere.

Why is op's daughter is anxious about this trip?
1] he walked out on her repeatedly
2] not very involved
3] she hasn't seen grandparents for 3yrs, therefore doens't know them well
4] previous visits have not gone well
5] she hasn't spent that long away from her main carer before
6] she is a home body

It's a lot to ask to trust a man who wasn't very involved in your upbringing and who repeatedly walked out on you. She feels uncomfortable around him. Why are we ignoring that??

This isn't about him anymore, he lost rights when he left.

You just have to say 'I'll miss you, but I want you to go and have a great time', and then wait til she's it of sight before you have a little cry. It's horrible I know.
Try and plan stuff to keep you busy for when she's away.

shatnerswig whilst I agree it would be a nightmare to legislate it doesn’t mean that you should throw the baby out with the bath water - so to speak. I hated visiting my mother on the other side of the city every weekend and would often cry to come home. Holidays were worse. I regularly got accused of making every one feel miserable and was under ten ffs! I remember waiting by the gate once for them to drive me back!

I really wanted to live with my grandparents tbh - which they would have let me (DGP) but neither set of parent would listen to how I felt about it.

I really don’t think the NRP has a natural right to take the child over night- if they don’t want to.

I have the same situation coming up with my child who is 6. He has never had sleepovers with his father and he is voicing his wishes very clearly that he does not want to spend any time sleeping over at his fathers house.

His father on the other hand is forcing the situation and saying that he will just keep him and force the issue, that or I get taken to court.

Not once have I said he can’t sleep over or do alternating weekends, and whilst I encourage our son to have a relationship with his father, I will not force him to do something his is very clear on not wanting to do.

I don’t see what is to be gained from forcing children into a situation, it’s not enjoyable for anyone at the end of the day

Quite. I remember the dismal weekends a friend of mine spent at her fathers as a teenager. She loathed going, came home very depressed, she asked to just see him during the day on his weekend and sleep at home and he said no. (They both lived in London).

As soon as she was an adult she went very low contact, to his distress. So he gained nothing from his enforcement.

It sounds like a really tough situation. I think what I would do is sit her down and go through each of her concerns and worries and address them. Set up a time to call each day, tell her she can call you other times if she needs to of course. And let her know if for any reason she is really so miserable you will come and get her - but say that you want her to give it a chance, as you think she will have a lot of fun.

It doesn't sound like you have any safety concerns, which is really good. Some kids get more homesick than others (I did), but it is good to encourage her to go, especially since she will be safe and with people who are excited to see her. I think that is all you can do.

And I know its probably annoying that your ex is suddenly being more involved, but see that as a positive, separation can change peoples priorities. And its good that your ex wants to spend more time with your daughter. Its hard at the beginning when you first separate and it can take a while for the dust to settle. I have been separated for 2 years now and while there have been blips, on the whole my ex's behaviour has drastically improved. I would think that's common when suddenly they don't have a partner picking up the slack for them

Hmmmmm when any parent says that a child is their world it sets alarm bells ringing for me. Its not healthy and suggests the child is trapped in some codependency with their parent. A healthy parent has to step back and give children the confidence to launch themselves into the world and explore new experiences.
I have seen this over smothering by parents many times and leads the children to lack confidence and become overly dependent on the parents approval. She will feel stressed because she doesn't want to let you down and feels like she can't leave you.
You are teaching her to be like you when actually shes her own person. you are doing her no favours at all.
In fact in the future she may resent that you made her your world. She has been made to feel overly loyal to you because of the break up. But its nothing to do with her and she has another parent with whom contact should be encouraged without your emotional baggage.

He only left 2 weeks ago? So this is still immediate breakup stage, no wonder she’s distraught.

I was very close to my DM and couldn't bear to be apart from her. The only person I was happy to be with away from DM was DA, DMs sister.

It's gonna be difficult for you, no doubt, but do you think it'll help if you set her some tasks to carryout whilst she's away, such as keeping a daily journal, finding some shells on the beach to bring back to you, (not sure if you're allowed to take shells off beaches anymore??), get you a stick of rock, send you a postcard - just things to occupy her mind. Maybe give her a new furry toy take with her.

I hope it goes well.