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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sexless relationship

28 replies

compostcorner · 12/08/2018 22:04

i am a 59 year old male, and i have been with my partner for 18 years, since she went through the menopause 10 years ago she has gone completely off sex, if a sex scene comes on the tele we have to switch over, needless to say we are in seperate bedrooms, and even cuddling her i feel a bit tense thinking shes hating this. the problem is the older i"m getting the more hornier i"m getting and its driving me mad, i"ve even looked at sex dating sites and expensive prostitutes but so far have resisted. my partner is a lovely girl and i do love her, so leaving her because of a lack of sex is not an option. has anyone else been through something similar and how did you deal with it.

OP posts:

myotherbagisgucci · 12/08/2018 22:16

Have you spoken to her about this? She maybe feeling insecure, or might have difficulty initiating things, especially if you're in separate bedrooms.

dirtybadger · 12/08/2018 22:19

What does she say about it? Is it that she is not "in the mood" for it anymore, or that she no longer enjoys it due to physical changes?

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 12/08/2018 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 22:24

I think you really need to talk to her, tell her what you have told us.
The prostitute route is not the answer and I speak as someone who has been utterly destroyed and left a shell of the person I was by my husnand’s decision to pay for sex. Please talk to her.

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 22:26

It is not ok to seek sex outside a marriage without first speaking to your wife and her agreeing. She should be given the choice to leave if you go down that route.

greendale17 · 12/08/2018 22:27

So you haven’t had sex for 10 years, don’t even cuddle and sleep in separate rooms.

Your partner doesn’t care about what you want otherwise she would have discussed this with you already. I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

myotherbagisgucci · 12/08/2018 22:28

@Originalsaltedpeanuts that is terrible advice!!

Please don't just cheat on your partner OP!

greendale17 · 12/08/2018 22:28

It is not ok to seek sex outside a marriage without first speaking to your wife and her agreeing.

^It is not okay to withhold sex for 10 years either

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 22:38

Plenty of people are post menopause and have a physical relationship. You have to have a conversation with her about this so that you can both understand what is going on for each of you

Storm4star · 12/08/2018 22:47

You say leaving her due to lack of sex is not an option but you are considering devastating her world by considering prostitutes??? Sorry but you need a wake up call! Really how selfish are you??? Sorry but I am disgusted by you. I have every sympathy in the world for someone struggling with a lack of sex in their relationship but you are selfish beyond words. Talk to the poor woman and let her decide how she wants to proceed. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about her.

abbsisspartacus · 12/08/2018 22:50

Have you actually talked about this in ten years? If she us getting distressed by sex scenes sounds like it's a physical problem

OliviaStabler · 12/08/2018 22:52

Have you talked to your partner about this? Is she aware it is am issue?

MellowMelly · 12/08/2018 22:59

I’d talk to her before you start thinking along the lines of anything else!
I’m only saying this as I know someone who found sex very very uncomfortable after the menopause as she had ‘dried out’ down there (sorry I know it’s a bit blunt of me) and had ceased having sex with her partner because she was so upset that, in her words, she ‘wasn’t functioning right anymore’. I told her to buy some lubrication and to talk to her partner and they are now having a very active sex life again!
It could be something so simple like that! Please talk to her!

NickyNora · 12/08/2018 23:11

Have you talked to your partner?

Your post could have been written by my partner. (Think 1 year instead of 10)
Except he won't discuss anything so we've never discussed our lack of intimacy.
We've not had any sort of physical relationship in over a year.

I keep hoping he will have an affair & leave...

Original poster

compostcorner · 13/08/2018 01:00

thanks for the replies so far, and yes we do talk about it, quite regularly, but the answers i always get is " i"ve got other things on my mind " or " you only want me for my body "

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 01:33

If leaving isn't a choice you wish to make, then your options are:

Discuss an open relationship.
Carry on in a sexless relationship
Cheating. Which comes with lies, deception and a whole lot of stress. It also means you risk her ending the relationship if she finds out

If I refused sex for 10 years, I would not be surprised if my OH ended up having an affair.

Notmany · 13/08/2018 05:12

OP those are both terrible excuses so you need to call her out on them. Tell her that you've had enough of the current situation and are looking for a change one way or another. You've let this go one far too long tbh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2018 05:33

If she won't talk, and you need sex in a relationship, which is your choice, you need to split up.

Whatever you do, don't buy some women's body who, for all you know, is addicted, pimped, was abused... buying consent isn't consent.

QuoadUltra · 13/08/2018 05:38

OP, ignore anyone who says you are selfish - after 10 years of no sex, clearly you are not.

However, you have obviously reached an impasse with your wife and need to make a decision. If she can’t or won’t have sex with you, you need to discuss the possiblity of you getting it elsewhere.

10 years is a long time.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 13/08/2018 05:53

Maybe I'm being overly simplistic and detached, but if I didn't want sex so much so that I refused for a decade, I'm not sure I'd have a problem with him fulfilling his needs elsewhere. Obviously you need your wife's consent on this first, I'm simply saying I don't think it's unreasonable for you to seek her permission on sex outside the marriage.

ivykaty44 · 13/08/2018 05:58

You need to talk to her and let her know how you’re feeling

Sex is important in a relationship and for one partner to withdraw completely from sex isn’t good for a healthy relationship

Between you you need to come up with a solution

ivykaty44 · 13/08/2018 06:00

Tbh after 10 years in a relationship without sex - you hardly want her for her body

Timefortea99 · 13/08/2018 06:28

You don’t sound selfish at all, you sound caring. You have needs, you have articulated them and she has been dismissive. Why should you go without sex? I would speak to her about it, be sympathetic and offer to help her explore a solution if it is medical. If it is more that she has shut up shop and expects you to do the same, tell her you are going to find somebody to have sex with. I don’t think a prostitute is ever a route, but you hear about sites that offer no strings sex for married people. I am sure you would prefer a sexual relationship with somebody you have feelings for, but this might be the only way you will ever get to have a sexual relationship. Or, leave her and look for a relationship that fulfills all your needs.

OliviaStabler · 13/08/2018 07:09

With those answers she is fobbing you off. She can't have that much on her mind for 10 solid years!

Original poster

compostcorner · 13/08/2018 07:54

thanks everyone, i just dont think i get much luck with my sex life, so i tried the sex dating websites but no luck, the only people that replied wanted money, including a girl who tried to convince me to pay her £350 air fare in return for a bj. the escort thing is something i probably wont do, the local ones to me i"ve seen on the internet are so pretty i think i might just freeze. so it looks like internet porn and self gratification

OP posts:

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