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Original poster

advice please.... should i hang in..?

29 replies

norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 20:40

Hi folks,

History...
I'm the guy...! I'm 50 though pass for 40...lucky me! She's 36 and fit as...!
I'll use "she" for my gorgeous wife, please don't take this as illmannered… its purely for speed as I'll probably ramble a little.I love her with all my heart, she is my world, my life... I would gladly lay down and die for her rather than see her hurt in any way.
I've been married for 7yrs, together for 12...
We've been through years of hell with various crap but always been there for each other.
Overshading us has always been her parents and we've lived through almost everything they've thrown at us to split us up. We always have a good time when we're together , we're soulmates.. although the last year or so its gotten a bit stale.
At the start of this year we finally moved away from her parents evilness for a fresh start for us. To build our castle, fulfil dreams, make babies etc.

However for work reasons shes had to work away during the week while ive kept house etc.She comes home to us (two dogs and I) every Friday eve til sunday eve.

In April she admitted that she had to distant herself from home because she was missing us and had an affair.

We talked things through and would give it another try.

She told me 2wks ago that she'd met someone else and thought we should split.
Last week she had a week at home with me and on weds I found two txts.
From him...
"The thought of him inside you makes me sick t my stomach..."
From her...
"I don't want to share you with anyone either (i mean your wife...) and look forward to spending every night with you. I love you.."

It transpires he has 2 kids, 4yrs and 1yr as well as being married.

I kinda understand being away from each other is tough and that perhaps if our roles were reversed I may have done a similar thing.

This guy is feeding her every line to get into her pants. I told her this and maybe shes listening but still says she wants to split up. He hadn't contacted her for a week since I found the txts and she told him to block my no. in case I tried to call him. Today she told me he'd txt and just said he had to lay low after getting her txt... she didn't reply.. though I think she will.
She thinks shes done to much to screw our relationship and wants a break...
I'm a sucker, I love her... I'm really at breaking point and said that i'd give her another chance... her work contract ends at the end of this month and she''ll either stay where she is or go further away.

Should I let her go or carry on fighting?

OP posts:
Blackness78 · 12/08/2018 20:43

Let her go.

Blackness78 · 12/08/2018 20:43

For your own sanity.

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 20:47

...easier said than done

OP posts:
Isawthelight · 12/08/2018 20:48

Let her go, is this her 2nd affair (that you know of)? If she doesn't leave you for this man... she'll carry on having affairs.

I kinda understand being away from each other is tough and that perhaps if our roles were reversed I may have done a similar thing

I don't think you love her as much as you say you do.

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 20:48

...and I know I probably should. But finding it very very hard

OP posts:
Domino20 · 12/08/2018 20:50

Ewww. The messages are yuck! How you feel anything but contempt for her is beyond me?

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 20:51

Maybe i'm giving her an excuse by saying that... I love her without doubt.
But yes, shes done it twice so could trust ever be rebuilt?

OP posts:
AlmaGeddon · 12/08/2018 21:00

She's willing to get with OM who has a 1 year old and a 4 year old. Surely she must be very sure and determined that that relationship is serious. Sounds madness to me but I think I'd call it a day if I was you.
Get out of the house and get a new life asap.

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 21:03

Om is married and living with his wife although (she says) its rocky.
Do you think hes just pulling her strings to get her into bed...?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 12/08/2018 21:11

You are trying to make excuses for her SECOND affair by imagining she was seduced into it by some some charmer who know what to say. Unfortunately she knew exactly what she was doing and is not some innocent groomed and seduced. If she wanted to be faithful, it won't have mattered what he said, she would have resisted. She was no more manipulated by him, than he was by her.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

MattBerrysHair · 12/08/2018 21:16

Stop making excuses. She has had an affair because she wanted to, not because he manipulated her into it. 'Feeding her lines' and 'pulling her strings' makes me think you don't have much respect for her as an individual with free will and autonomy. Unless this is how she is portraying herself to you, in which case she is feeding you lines. You are her safety net, he is where she really wants to be, except that he's married with small children and as spineless as she is.

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 21:18

She has knowingly entered a relationship with a married man, she has also cheated on you twice.
Do you honestly believe you could ever trust her?

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 21:18

...shame on me then.

So I'm a twat for sticking around, I know, However, it is hard to let go after 12yrs and that's why I'm here asking....

OP posts:
Newerversion · 12/08/2018 21:19

You and the wife and children of the other man are the victims in this- not your wife.

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 21:29

Yes, I know.

Although I'm sure the om's wife knows nothing and he's fed mine lies to get her into bed as shes in a vunerable/lonely place being away from home.

My wife seems to believe he's going to leave her and his kids etc....

OP posts:
BlueUggs · 12/08/2018 21:33

You seem hell bent on blaming him. Is your wife an automaton?! Does she not have control over herself?! You need to place the blame for her TWO AFFAIRS directly at her feet....as they are walking out!!!

buckingfrolicks · 12/08/2018 21:35

" in the last year or so it's gotten a bit stale." Hmmm. Elaborate? For who? You are 14 years older than her. I think she's got very dissatisfied with your marriage and wants out. I think your marriage is done.

Ps. Does she feel the same as you about her parents? Why go on about them in your post?

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 21:37

If your wife believes that then it says a lot about her. Your wife is as complicit as him in all this.

NynaeveSedai · 12/08/2018 21:44

Your wife isn't an innocent dupe here. She has chosen, twice that you know of, to seek a relationship elsewhere. She's now planning on leaving you. Wake up and smell the coffee (sorry)

MattBerrysHair · 12/08/2018 21:45

Being away from home doesn't make you a vulnerable victim, prone to having affairs to deal with loneliness UNLESS you are the sort of person who feels OK about cheating on their partner and disrespecting their commitments in the first place. Stop infantilising her.

selfishcrab · 12/08/2018 21:46

Your wife chooses to work away.
She chooses to shag around.
She chooses to have no respect for you.
She's not a victim she is making these choices of her own free will.
If you choose to make excuses for her behaiour then you choose to never be able to have a healthy, loving or trustworthy life, she wont change she doesn't need to!

Original poster
norafukingbatty · 12/08/2018 21:46

you're all telling me I'm a twat for trying to save my marriage. my wifes as much to blame as him etc...
should she believe om is going to leave his wife and kids?
does no one think he's feeding her bullshit while shes in a bad place to fuck with her head?
I am hurting here. I can't just turn off

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 12/08/2018 21:52

You're not a twat but you can't save a marriage to someone who doesn't want to save it.
He might be feeding her a line but so what? She's choosing to swallow it.
She's been looking for something/someone else for a while it seems. I think it's time you accept that.

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 21:54

He may well be feeding her bullshit, in all likelihood he is if he hasn’t come clean with his wife and ended his marriage. However, your wife is a grown up and is choosing to be a part of something where there are victims- if she becomes one then it is because she chose to.

Newerversion · 12/08/2018 22:01

You are not a twat either, you are a decent man who deserves better.