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Original poster

Partner watching porn

71 replies

HBXO · 12/08/2018 19:10

Hi all, I'm looking to see if I am over reacting?!
I have just caught my partner watching porn via his browsing history yet he denied it. He knows I don't like it after me previously catching him twice before and he promised he would stop.
His excuse is that he has a high sex drive, we do have sex but only around once a week. Is it my fault because I'm too tired? (I have a newborn baby this is why I'm tired lol)
Any help would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Scott72 · 12/08/2018 19:31

I'm going to catch some flack here, but its really not the same the cheating, even though it may feel like that to you. So you can't just turn a blind eye to this? Would you be okay with him masturbating but without porn? How about if you provide him with some sexy pictures of yourself?

Oceandegree · 12/08/2018 19:36

Hi HBXO,
I don't think you are over reacting though I expect some on here might.
You are tired and probably self conscious and you are doing great having it once a week. (I hope that is mutual and you don't feel guilt led).
Firstly stop blaming yourself. You are a new mum and the least he can do is respect that. I'd feel pretty pissed off too and demeaned. If you fear it will cause a wedge in your relationship I think you need to explain this to him and how it makes you feel.
Most men do have high sex drives but he needs to accept there are times his relationship and family needs to outweigh his desires. It's entirely possible, unless he has a pretty severe addiction.
Sorry my advice is not great but I didn't want to read and run and i understand how you feel. Flowers

EmmaC78 · 12/08/2018 19:38

There have been loads and loads of posts about this in the past. You will get a split reaction. Some think it is ok and some don't. I honestly don't see the big deal.

Givemestrengthwtaf · 12/08/2018 19:38

No issue at all with porn, I watch it, my ex's watched it and we watched it together. You've just had a baby and he is wanting a release, I'd just be happy he isn't pestering me for sex lol.

MeMyselfand · 12/08/2018 19:40

He's a grown man, can he not decide whether to watch porn or not?

Blondie1993 · 12/08/2018 19:48

Why are you going through his browsing history?

As long as he is not addicted to porn and is still happy to have normal sex then I wouldn’t see the problem. I have a high sex drive and watch porn. I’m sure my partner does too but i’ve never asked. We still have a normal, healthy sex life. I think you are over thinking it a bit, watching porn isn’t a reflection on you/your relationship at all so don’t feel bad! It’s just a means to an end really, try not to worry about it.

Aaaahfuck · 12/08/2018 20:52

I think it is up to you to set boundaries in your relationship you are comfortable with. Other comments don't seem to have an issue with porn, that's OK for them. However no one else can tell you what you feel ok with in your relationship regarding sex, porn, cheating etc.

Personally I have a problem with how porn objectifies women rather than the concept of videos of sex. I'm not sure trying to convince you of this on a thread where you are looking for advice is appropriate, nor do I think people trying to convince you to be cool with porn is ok either.

With a newborn you will be feeling possibly vulnerable and definitely tired. I'm not surprised you are upset that your partner has disregarded something you made clear was a no for you. I think that is also a big issue which you should address with your partner.

JustKeepGoing1 · 12/08/2018 21:06

I agree with you OP. Dealt with this myself and honestly felt betrayed. My OH couldnt see the issue. Said it was normal. I became so low, self esteem went down hill as i felt he needed it to satisfy needs i couldnt. Felt as though when we were intimate he would be picturing that rather than the way i made him feel. We have a pretty good, imaginitive sex life too. Have sex every day sometimes more than once as he does turn me on. He swears he has stopped but i dont know if i believe him. Still creeps into my mind and makes me feel so self conscious.
I hope he considers how you are feeling OP xx

PouchofDouglas · 12/08/2018 21:34

Oh fgs. You aren’t his mother. Let him do what he wants

jelly449 · 12/08/2018 21:54

As others have said, you are going to get a mixed reaction. Some hate it, others don't mind their partners watching it, others watch it themselves lol.

From what I've learnt....no point asking them not to watch it anymore....they still will. Maybe not straight away but eventually down the line. It's always the case with these threads. 'He promised he wouldn't do it again but he has'......

If it's a massive deal breaker for you then fair enough. It wouldn't be for me. I don't see a massive deal with it. It could be so much worse in my eyes. As long as it's not an addiction that is

obviousNC101 · 12/08/2018 21:57

Don't be so arrogant. He's watching porn not cheating. I imagine you're not against masturbation ? In that case are you really so unbelievably arrogant as to expect him after years and years together to never even fantasise about another woman or, more likely, lesbians?

FYI if you try to stop him doing this his options are to (I) llie to you in order to have an orgasm or (iii) if he does what you say, fantasise about people he actually knows! That's ten times worse surely and quite frankly you're naive if you think he won't ever fantasise or fancy anyone but you.

Givemeacookie · 12/08/2018 21:57

I know my husband watches porn late at night when I've gone up to bed on the nights we don't have sex it doesn't bother me... porn is there to serve a purpose he has a high sex drive.. higher then mine I've got a young child so I'm often tired and don't feel like sex so i really dont mind if he watches it it's not something we talk about it's a private thing.

crunchie3008 · 13/08/2018 03:33

I have no problem whatsoever with him watching it. We are very open with each other and I watch it too. He hasn't watched it in a while because we still either have sex or play around every day, but I am about to give birth and I imagine that will change soon, for at least a few weeks haha.. if you're too tired and he needs a release, let him have it. He is not cheating on you.

Jelly67 · 13/08/2018 03:43

It doesn't bother me personally. I think the majority of guys watch it anyway and it doesn't affect their relationship. But 2 things are important

  1. why he is lying to you about it
  2. why you are looking up his browsing history Is there a bigger question around trust?
Slapbetcommissioner · 13/08/2018 04:01

Sorry to derail but I just can't get past the 'I'd just be happy he isn't pestering me for sex'. The standard is set so low for what men can do and still be classed as a good partner/have a partner. Gross.

OP regardless of what anyone else says or feels, if you're not OK with it in your relationship then you should leave your relationship and find someone with similar morals to you.

Oceandegree · 13/08/2018 07:56

Slap, I agree with you. Why are we accepting of this kind of behaviour from men? Why is degrading and objectifying and often abusing women so OK? ( and please don't come back saying most is consensual, because so often it is not).

Yes, I know 'most men do it, but does that make it OK?
Is it OK for women to do the same?
Lets not lower ourselves to double standards. We are equal human beings.

m0vinf0rward · 13/08/2018 08:49

He's an adult and can do what he wants, youre not the police and don't get to tell him what he can or cannot do. However you do have the right to determine what you find acceptable and act accordingly. Porn for guys has zero emotional connection...zero, it's just a means to an end, and has no meaning to us.

MamaOotie · 13/08/2018 08:56

You get to chose whether it's acceptable to you. He gets to chose whether it's acceptable to him. One partner doesn't get to decide for the other by monitoring them and trying to control them.

If it's not acceptable to you then you can make the choice to leave the relationship.

Neither of you are in the wrong. It's down to what you decide as individuals. I am wondering why you're checking upon him though? Imagine if be did the same to you.

Original poster
HBXO · 13/08/2018 22:04

Thanks for the replies.
I understand some think this is no big deal but for me it now feels he would rather watch porn than lay in bed with me ( maybe feeling like this due to my new mum bod)
I looked through his history too see if he had because usually he is asking for it and then he stopped.
I just don't understand the need for it if he is having sex with me why he feels he still needs to watch it.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 14/08/2018 00:36

usually he is asking for it and then he stopped.

You say you dtd "around" once a week, realistically that means probably 3 or 4 times a month? If he has a high sex drive he probably would rather be at 3 or 4 times a week, its highly unlikely that he would rather watch porn than sleep with you. Has he ever turning you down to have a knuckle shuffle over some clips?

He's using porn as a masturbation aid, it is unlikely to reflect on you or his desire for you.

Do you initiate sex? It may be that if he's asking and you are rejecting him more often than not then the fear of rejection can be causing anxiety. I have been there and in the end I just stopped asking as that was the least hard to deal with. You end up feeling that even if you do have sex then its out of some kind of sense of duty rather than love.

Categoric · 14/08/2018 01:16

Aargh at Harmless Chap. How selfish can you get.

The OP has been pregnant, given birth and had a new born. Is it really too much to expect that a partner in that situation would not be worrying about feeling sexuallyrejected and be understanding of the physical changes a new mother has been through?

When you have a baby as a couple, then life changes a lot. The majority of people have less sex and accept that for a while.

Categoric · 14/08/2018 01:20

Apologise for the typos - too cross to type!

I would have some sympathy if a couple had no children or hadn’t had sex in years. But in the early stages of a new baby...

Helmlover · 14/08/2018 01:36

Men watch porn, get over it. I’ve never understood why women completely overreact when they discover this fact about their partners. Put it into perspective- it is a film or image on a screen, perfectly legal and harmless unless it involves children or violence of course. Imagine if your husbands reacted with similar levels of disgust when you were all getting off reading 50 shades of gray. Double standards much?

jelly449 · 14/08/2018 07:55

@Helmlover totally agree! I'll be watching the last 50 shades next week when my dcs are at their dads and dh is at work lol. I've asked dh if he wants to watch it but he doesn't. Doesn't mind me watching it though. I have no idea if my dh watches it. I suspect he doesn't as he his phone is a work one which his boss pays for but I suppose it's easy to just delete history.

Yes the ops oh does need to consider ops feelings. Yes she's just had a baby. But his sexual needs aren't just going to switch off because hers have.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant atm. I'm sleeping on the sofa most nights now cos it's cooler and I just can't get comfy upstairs. I'm too tired to dtd now. Dh is fine and absolutely understanding but I wouldn't be annoyed at him if he was upstairs doing whatever. He has a high sex drive and I can't just expect him to switch it off.

The barrier for me would be if he was either paying for porn - which he can't as we have just one joint bank account. Or if he was using like a web cam/messaging thing where he was speaking to others.

Lozxx · 14/08/2018 07:58

I personally don't think it's a big problem, I'm a woman and watch porn on occasions but my boyfriend is fine with it. He should be honest about it though because I can imagine it could be hurtful. Everybody has different sex drives, he's not cheating on you so just allow it 😊

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