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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? - family wedding

45 replies

LondonMM · 12/08/2018 17:57

Hello,

I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We moved into together pretty much straight away and from the beginning it’s taken me a while to adapt to a whole new life (I moved on pretty quickly from an 11 year relationship). Because of that I haven’t found it easy telling my family but have told him that I need time and patience.

Anyway, it’s his sisters wedding in Cyprus next week, with 100 people (most of that are his family) who I have never met and who we would be spending an entire week with. I’ve told him that it makes me ridiculously anxious and that I don’t feel ready to jump into that. He’s essentially told me that if I don’t come then we can’t be together as he sees it as a lack of commitment. I totally see where he is coming from but he knows how anxious and stressed it makes me and yet I feel that he’s backing me into a corner. Am I being unreasonable??

Thanks

OP posts:
IHeartKingThistle · 12/08/2018 18:02

It's lovely to have been invited I think. His family are welcoming you. I understand your anxieties around it though. But if you're going to be together long term, isn't it a good idea to start a positive relationship with his family? Obviously if you're not going to be together long term it makes no difference!

I think if you possibly can go, you should go tbh.

DisneyMice · 12/08/2018 18:03

YAB a bit U
You live with the guy, you should be meeting the family. That said, a week is pretty intense, but it won't be 247 surely?
If you are feeling anxious could you go for only a few days instead?

Dodie66 · 12/08/2018 18:05

I don’t think YABU Maybe you moved in too soon and should have taken it more slowly. I do think he should respect you asking him for time and patience. It’s a big thing going to another country and meeting lots of people you don’t know. I can understand why you are anxious. I wouldn’t go if I were you and see what happens

Original poster
LondonMM · 12/08/2018 18:07

I totally agree with you both and I know I SHOULD go. I guess I just feel so 'forced' into doing something which makes me so anxious. And I feel like I would never make my partner do something that made him feel so comfortable.
I feel like he's being unreasonable by saying if I don't come we can't be together

OP posts:
flumpybear · 12/08/2018 18:09

I think it's just his family dynamics, go and enjoy it - perhaps stay in your own place so you can get some alone time

WallisFrizz · 12/08/2018 18:10

Yabu and a bit rude towards his family who are trying to welcome you.

Karigan198 · 12/08/2018 18:11

No he’s not being unreasonable. He needs someone that will go to important family functions with him and in a relationship that is one of his musts.

You are also not being unreasonable for not wanting to go. In a relationship you need peace and apparently isolation from the real world.

What this is is incompatiblility. Frankly I don’t think he’s unreasonable to say that if you can’t give him that he needs to rethink the relationship

waterandlemonjuice · 12/08/2018 18:13

YANBU but I understand why he's hurt, he wants to show you off and introduce you and he doesn't get why it makes you anxious. Can you go just for 2 days?

Givemestrengthwtaf · 12/08/2018 18:13

If it all gets to much for you just excuse yourself and go back to your room for a short while. Plus don't forget there will be alcohol on tap to calm your nerves lol.

ManeNachger · 12/08/2018 18:18

I dont think you are being unreasonable.

Are you starting to think you moved in too early? How is the rest of the relationship going?

Are they Cypriot so there are cultural issues too, or no?

Poor you OP, doesnt sound much fun having a partner who doesnt give a shit about your anxiety or opinions. It would totally put me off him.

Did he move in with you or what?! Is there a power imbalance??? Age difference or anything ? Sorry, I am probably reading too much into it!

nutellafortea · 12/08/2018 18:56

You are not being unreasonable. If you don't feel comfortable attending this wedding, you don't have to go.

"He’s essentially told me that if I don’t come then we can’t be together as he sees it as a lack of commitment. (...) he knows how anxious and stressed it makes me and yet I feel that he’s backing me into a corner. "

This would be a major red flag for me. He is basically telling you "do as I tell you or else". I would rethink the relationship, most likely end it. I couldn't stay with someone so controlling.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2018 18:59

He's not unreasonable to want you to go to his family wedding; you live together, you should go. Might be more fun than you think.

LadyMarmyLard · 12/08/2018 19:00

I totally agree with Nutella, he's giving you an ultimatum? Bye then!

If it feels too soon for you you shouldn't be forced to go.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 19:03

I think neither of you is being unreasonable, I also think you don’t sound compatible though.

If he won’t listen to your needs, and issues ultimatums that’s not going to work for you.

And if you won’t listen to his and put your foot down it’s not going to work for him.

BendingSpoons · 12/08/2018 19:04

Do your family not know about him? I would be pretty hurt if I lived with someone and their parents didn't know. Maybe he feels you aren't taking the relationship seriously if you don't want family involved (yours knowing and spending time with his).

happymummy12345 · 12/08/2018 19:10

Tbh when I married my husband the only members of his family I'd met were his mum and dad. Due to circumstances.
But a week abroad is a lot. That said it's lovely you're invited

Santaclarita · 12/08/2018 19:21

Well it seems weird that you live with someone that you can't talk to your parents about.. But spending a week with strangers is a big ask from him. Maybe just a few days?

dirtybadger · 12/08/2018 19:28

I would feel exactly the same as you, OP. I think the issue is that you have rushed moving in together. I wouldn't want to meet someone's extended family after 8 months!! But I also wouldnt want to move in with someone after 8 months. And I would find it odd maybe for someone to be happy loving with someone but not going as a +1 to something as it's obviously very official and you are already somewhat conmitted.

What elements are making you nervous? Are you ok in big groups and crowds? Do you mind travelling? Is it because you feel you must make the right impression?

dirtybadger · 12/08/2018 19:32

I wouldn't be taking a weeks annual leave for a wedding I didn't really want to go to, either. I wouldn't even do (and spend!) that for my own dsis (who is pretty much my best friend). A few nights is surely adequate.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/08/2018 00:51

Nutella has it.
His way or the highway. If you do this, it will set a precedence for a dynamic that you would most likely begin to experience over and over.

Only 8 months in! You hardly know him. (Well, you are starting to get to know him now , aren’t you?)
What were the circumstances of you moving in together pretty much straight away? Was it your idea? Or why couldn’t/wouldn’t you say “no, it’s too soon”?

GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 00:55

He doesn't want to go alone and is asking you to support him.
Are you staying with family?
It's only a week!!

How will you feel when it's your wedding and they all rock up and you've met none of them?

PlatypusPie · 13/08/2018 01:25

You aren’t just a casual girlfriend, you are living together and he sees you as his partner - I am not surprised he is upset that you don’t won’t go with him to a major family event. If you don’t want to then it is a sign that you aren’t feeling committed- he’s right about that. Of course you don’t have to go but maybe you need to think about whether you have gone into this with undue haste and whether you should have had some time on your own after a long previous relationship failing. Maybe you still should take that time - have a break.

There are some comments about this being him being controlling - he is, however, tolerating being the ‘secret’ live in partner, in relation to your family, which not many people would find comfortable. He’s doing the opposite - wants to introduce you to his family, is proud of you. Unless there is a drip feed about your history , it seems that there is quite an imbalance in compromise in your relationship. .

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 01:41

I'd see it as a lack of commitment and seriousness about our relationship.

The only difference is I wouldn't say what he did. I'd consider we're over and end the relationship on my return.

I don't give ultimatums and a partner with that level of anxiety wouldn't be compatible with me long term.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2018 01:46

So your family don't know you're with this guy??

I suspect the wedding is a side issue and actually he's fed up of being your secret rebound - either tell people or move on.

I think you should go, but make an agreement about meeting say the sibling and parents before hand

raspberrysplit · 13/08/2018 02:26

If you don’t want to meet his family then you shouldn’t go, but he’s right that you don’t sound invested in the relationship. It sounds like it’s a rebound for you and you aren’t ready for a new relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you need to be honest with both yourself and him and let him move on and find someone who does want a relationship.

(Why did you move in together so quickly when you weren’t ready for a relationship?)