Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? - family wedding

45 replies

LondonMM · 12/08/2018 17:57

Hello,

I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We moved into together pretty much straight away and from the beginning it’s taken me a while to adapt to a whole new life (I moved on pretty quickly from an 11 year relationship). Because of that I haven’t found it easy telling my family but have told him that I need time and patience.

Anyway, it’s his sisters wedding in Cyprus next week, with 100 people (most of that are his family) who I have never met and who we would be spending an entire week with. I’ve told him that it makes me ridiculously anxious and that I don’t feel ready to jump into that. He’s essentially told me that if I don’t come then we can’t be together as he sees it as a lack of commitment. I totally see where he is coming from but he knows how anxious and stressed it makes me and yet I feel that he’s backing me into a corner. Am I being unreasonable??

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

LondonMM · 13/08/2018 07:57

I definitely moved in too quickly. He's really really intense. At first I told him I wanted to stay a few days a week to take it slow as I hadn't had time to myself from a previous long term relationship but he was quite pushy saying he couldn't bear to be without me. He's not as controlling as he sounds! Really he's not. BUT he is very clingy and he was worried if he gave me that time then I wouldn't return. So I kind of did it to make him happy (I was, and am, also very in love with him).

I totally understand his point about it feeling like a lack of commitment and I think maybe he's right but I felt that he should have told me that if I wasn't ready then although he'll be upset, he'll respect my decision. It's concerning to be that despite him knowing how unhappy it makes me, for whatever reason, he still persisted. That for me, isn't a healthy relationship.

We spoke last night and I told him I need some time to myself. I told him that I can't give him what he needs I.e. telling my family and committing to him and his family until I've had that. I feel terrible because he is totally heartbroken but I keep telling myself that taking time for me doesn't make me a bad person!

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 08:04

Well I think you have a gut feeling about this guy - if he's this intense now you are right to get some freedom back. Get a place of your own and live a little of the single life.

Jumping from one relationship to another is never a good idea.

You sound very strong please don't doubt yourself

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/08/2018 08:12

After your last update he sounds very controlling and its good you realise you moved in too quickly and for the wrong reasons. I would seriously consider moving out, you are not willing to give this guy what he wants and he is not willing to listen to your opinions, resorting to threats when he doesn't get what he wants. Throw this fish back and Move on

cakecakecheese · 13/08/2018 08:27

To start with I had some sympathy for him as it's not nice feeling that you're not properly part of someone's life but it seems like he's a bit too full on. It does sound like you did move in with him too quickly and it's understandable that you want to put the brakes on a bit. It doesn't sound like he'd be too agreeable to that which tells you all you need to know really.

raspberrysplit · 13/08/2018 11:43

You’ve done the right thing

Hiphopopotamus · 13/08/2018 11:49

He does sound controlling and intense and you probably need to give your relationship some thought.

But do your family not know that you're living with someone and in a relationship? That seems really strange to me.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 11:51

He's heartbroken now but it's for the best. It was far too much too quick with the moving in.

You're not ready for this relationship and he must feel your bit on the side.

He's very insecure in himself too. That's not good that he feared you wouldn't come back. It's suffocating to be in such a relationship and it creates an imbalance in the relationship.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 11:52

I keep telling myself that taking time for me doesn't make me a bad person!

That’s what you need to keep telling yourself. Your update worries me, he seems very controlling and possessive.

janaus · 13/08/2018 12:50

Would you feel better if you could meet the family before the wedding day?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2018 14:02

Oh dear.
The more you write the more red flags are flying here OP!

I've literally, today, just called off a date because he sounded like your DP.
He wants it all really quickly and I'm not ready for that.

OP, you are people pleaser and you've been ignoring multiple red flags for 8+ months.
Please have a chat with Womens Aid and get on their Freedom Programme ASAP.

And... if YOU don't want or feel ready to spend a week with his family who you have never met and it's making you anxious etc... then DON'T go.
This is your life and your choice!!!!
Don't let people rail-road you.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 13/08/2018 14:42

Definite red flags here.

It’s not about whether you should or shouldn’t go to the wedding. I went to a wedding with my partner after only 2 months because it just felt right and I wanted to. But if I hadn’t wanted to go then I would have expected him to respect that and I would be furious if he gave me an ultimatum about going!

You say he’s not as controlling as he sounds, but then you talk about him being extra clingy and pushy. Now that you’ve got this time apart I think you need to examine that a little more and be really honest with yourself about whether he actually is exactly as controlling as he sounds.

For what it’s worth, the beginning of your relationship sounds very similar to me and my ex: I’d just come out of a long relationship and tried to tell him that I wanted to move slowly, but he was very keen and pushy and panicky at the thought of losing me. We moved in together after just a few months too. That relationship lasted nine miserable years during which he emotionally abused me until I was a shell of a person

SoapOnARoap · 13/08/2018 17:18

I think YANBU in the slightest.

People that try to rush relationships always have a hidden agenda.

Smallhorse · 15/08/2018 16:36

You don't want to go , so don't.
It doesn't mean you don't love him.
It means you don't want to spend a week's holiday with his family.
I've been with dp for YEARS and there's no way I'd spend a week's holiday with his family - who I love very much.
It's not my thing , I'd say I'm not going and that would be that.

Feckers2018 · 15/08/2018 16:43

TBH you are the controlling one if he hasn't been introduced to your family. That would piss me off and then you are making a fuss about a family wedding. Hard work IMO so I would also think about ending it. He is not being controlling to say he will end it if you don't go. I would think this confirms your lack of commitment.

ittakes2 · 15/08/2018 19:06

The wedding is next week - presumably you have flights and accomodation booked. He’s going to have to explain over and over again why the woman he lives with pulled out last minute.

category12 · 15/08/2018 20:04

I'm getting red flags from the speed everything has happened with him as the driver of that, and his catastrophising and ultimatum giving whenever you try to slow things down.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/08/2018 20:29

I was thinking of the term engulfment when you described his campaign to have you live with him.

Try googling “Relationships- engulfment” (I just did) and you may find information about engulfment as well as abandonment issues/dynamics. It sounds like your bf may have fear of abandonment issues (his concern that you won’t come back points to this). And now he is using the opportunity of this wedding to manufacture commitment from you. If it isn’t controlling, it is at least manipulative. I hate to say this too, but it may have nothing to do with you-this is about him getting his needs met and he would treat any woman the same way.

This isn’t to say the polar/supplemental view is that you have fear of engulfing issues. But still, you don’t want to be engulfed as that tends to erase your identity and isn’t mentally healthy.

Imho, when you caved in and moved in so early, it demonstrated that you have difficulty saying “no”. He now has confidence to talk you into -whatever- perhaps things that escalate the consequences, marriage, kids, finances. Serious stuff.

I agree with hellsbells. Do the Freedom Program and do not hesitate to say “no” when “no” is your answer.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2018 20:36

If the rest of the relationship was right, and you were getting enough space, I would bet you wouldn't be worried about going to the wedding. It's a symptom of those larger issues rather than the problem itself.

Do you want to stay with him, OP? If you do I would be talking to him about your need for more space as a condition of things continuing. Maybe ask him how you could manage going to the wedding, if it's so important to him, while also getting space and having an escape route when feeling pressured. If he can't come up with any ways to compromise then maybe you have to say this just won't work for you.

dirtybadger · 15/08/2018 20:40

I still think that even if the relationship were perfect and you already knew his family and they were lovely you would be quite entitled to not want to spend a week with them. If it were a holiday just the two of you for 4-5/7 days fine. But 7 days? Not sure I could stand my own family on holiday for that long (who I get on with great)

lifebegins50 · 15/08/2018 20:46

Andtheband has analysed it well. You set a boundary and he made you step over it.

I think your instinct is working for you, just listen to it.

Flip

1 2