H will say he's done nothing wrong in 30 years so I should be the one to leave

[Elephant14]

I am ashamed to say I have stayed with my husband for 30 years. Our DCs are mid-teens so both still dependent. He is generally low level abusive, well, not sure what the right word is for it. All our lives together he has invented constant illnesses, every Christmas and birthday ruined etc., he has always believed I should do all the housework etc., that he should not be asked to do DIY, the house got into a terrible state and we got into debt. We've sorted that now (we agreed to all our savings to address both issues but I think he is going to say now that I took his money) He'd throw a massive tantrum if the kids didn't do whatever he wanted in a split second, they clearly loved him but were scared of being alone with him. Now they say he behaves like a child when I am not there and they have to take care of him.

The Taking Care thing is important, because he is now in his 60s and believes I should Take Care of him - well, he has alway believed that. He is retired, doesn't want to work any more, refuses to do anything in the house so having had most of it renovated its now all creeping back to the state it was in previously. He likes me to arrange everything for him, and if I don't this is an example of how badly he is treated. He said I treat the kids badly as well, so I can't criticise him for it, he's seen me shout at them so why can't he. He even bullies the dog - again if it doesn't do exactly what he wants. He wanted me to sort out some clothes for him the other day and I said no you can do that yourself and he starting shouting "you NEVER TAKE CARE OF ME" and stormed out of the house. All our lives together, if I try to discuss a problem he ends up screaming in my face.

People who meet him think he's such a nice little old man, but he's a manipulative bully. Its only now I can see the full extent of the damage that living like this has done to the DCs so I want him to leave. I think he should go so that I can stay for the remaining few years before we have to sell (we can't pay off the mortgage so will be forced to sell anyway). The DC's home is very important to them and both have MH issues, one is having psychiatric treatment. I can keep the house nice and ticking over on my wages and I can help him get set up in a flat my plan was to save up the deposit etc and give it to him after Christmas, - also I think he would want to meet someone else (to take care of him!) in his old age.

Trouble is, he would say that I have failed in the relationship because I didn't Take Care of him, that he can stay in the house with the DCs no problem, I am the one who is unhappy so I am the one who should leave. On the Relate website it advises that you write down a few reasons why you think the relationship has failed - I wouldn't know where to begin but whatever I said, he'd say no I didn't do that, you did it. No, that was your fault not mine. Rinse and repeat.

I want to stay here till the DCs are independent (although with one that might not happen so I'd just take them with me ifyswim) or we are forced to sell whichever comes first, then sell and we both take our cut and walk away. In the meantime, I earn more so I can keep the house going, and I have insisted he get a job to top up his pension so that he can cover rent (he doesn't realise that of course, he says I made him get a job as I don't Take Care of him and have ruined his life).

I am genuinely frightened of this man, he is the sort who likes to portray himself as the mild family man but behind closed doors he is a spiteful bully. I have to be sure of my ground before I bring this up because I know he is so unpredictable, he's never wanted to sort things out, he just wants what he wants and I have to provide it - if I stop being the provider, I am expendable. BTW I have never documented any of this and when people ask me what he is like and why I want to split up I find it almost impossible to think of individual examples I suppose our whole lives have been an example, every day something is wrong.

I am seeing a solicitor soon but I wanted to write this down and having done so I think I sound pretty pathetic and weak, big holes in my "story", he is entitled (one of his favourite sayings) to the house and that this poor man is being done out of the chance to live in it - which is how he will portray it.

Record things secretly so it reinforces the truth.
See your solicitor, get ducks in a row and get out.
I feel so sad for you.
What a waste of 30 years.

You need to see a solicitor.

What he does after you have split up 'might like to meet someone in his old age' is none of your concern. Equally what he says is none of your concern. I'm sure he will say he has been the perfect partner in every way. It doesn't matter.

Also it sounds like he can't actually afford the house without you anyway so if you move out, he loses the house straightaway.

So, please try to stop pre-empting his every move or what he might say. The first thing you need is the solicitor so you know what your rights are, not what your STBXH's bullshit tells you.

Both dc have MH issues? How much does living with their father cause this?
He isn't ever going to be reasonable and giving him money for a flat won't suddenly make him move. See a solicitor, find out your options to force a sale and leave.

Don’t give him money for a flat.

See a solicitor

Does it really matter whether you can prove he’s been awful? Just not wanting to be married is enough reason.

Blimey. He sounds awful. AWFUL.

You may well need to get the police to get him out. Be really clear. The relationship is over.

You will need police to understand that it's not a domestic.

I agree with PP that it's pointless trying to pre-empt his every move like it's a game of chess. But that's the way he's trained you to react. You have colluded with him in putting yourself up in the dock for 30 years. You have lived your life 'on trial'.

Time to bring it back to basics. Put the house up for sale. Do what you would do if you had his blessing. You don't have it. You never will. So do what you would do if you had his blessing. Get the police's help to get him out of the house.

Don't let him rob you of the rest of your life. There is so much pleasure in teh simple things in life if you're not being bullied, undermined and controlled.

ps, I agree that you do not need to prove that he is awful. This is the whole court case life you've been living.

You do not need him to acknowledge that he is so awful you're entitled to leave. He will never, ever acknowledge that. So for as long as you buy in to his bullshit script that he ALSO needs to agree that he is awful before you're allowed to end the relationship then you are his prisoner.

I left my x and he told everybody who'd listen that he'd no idea why I left. So be it. I had to live with that. It goes away, the discomfort and the awkwardness fade as you heal. Couldn't care less what he says or thinks now.

OP

Check out the following on youtube.

Meredith Miller - Inner Integration
Ross Rosenberg - Human Magnet author
Lisa Romano

They all have a lot of information about narcissism and how to mentally free yourself.

STOP!

Believe them when they say that you are only feeling that level of responsibility because he has trained you to!

TODAY you start being selfish! Put yourself first and treat him as an irrelevancy! He is a adult, he can work it out for himself. Just as you can... so just do it! Work out what YOU want and get on with it, one step at a time. Do it now and start enjoying your life!

You have colluded with him in putting yourself up in the dock for 30 years

This. Wow.

You are all very perceptive and you have all seen the same thing - that I am trying to pre-empt every single thing he might say or do and trying to provide a future for him.

Can I just check though, do you not feel that my giving him some hard cash for the deposit etc so he has the chance to go is a good thing? Is that not helpful? He has no family or friends to go to as far as I know. I would simply skim it from our joint bank account. He never looks at that because that's another thing that I am meant to provide/deal with. But then at least on the day I tell him, he has options - ?

You should sell the house and split the equity. I don't think it's fair to just force him to leave when you're the one who wants to end it.

I got my solicitor to order my exh to leave in the basis of detriment to my mental health. Then there'd have been legal action had he stayed.
Sounds drastic but at the time I had good reason.
Sure you could do this on behalf of you and your children.

I agree with others. See a solicitor ASAP. Write down as much as you can, and take it with you. Let a legal expert recommend what happens financially, do not give him a penny for a deposit, or out of feeling you 'ought' to. It may be a while before you feel free, but imagine how incredible it will be when you get there. Good luck

I was just reading back up thread someone said well if he doesn't agree to leave the house then it will have to be sold ASAP anyway, and then he will have to leave the house. Which is logical.

And yes, I do suspect both DDs MH issues have been caused at least in part by our appalling relationship played out in front of them. I am just thinking now before they are finally adults I can show them this one last thing that can be done, that I can try to become independent, to show them you don't put up with this crap.

But I am worried - he's like those men that everyone say "oh he was a great neighbour such a quiet man" - he's the sort of personality type, entitled, vengeful, I just fear he'd come after us if not that day then the next. If you have no evidence of violence, what can you do? In fact even women who did have evidence of violence have become victims in these circumstances, its not like the police send someone round to sit in the house 24/7 after you've said you want to split, just in case.

dragonflyflew - I got my solicitor to order my exh to leave in the basis of detriment to my mental health. Gosh I hadn't thought of that, are you able to say any more about the circumstances? Obvs understand if you don't want to.

It’s a good idea to put a sum aside to preempt his excuse that he can’t go anywhere as he has no money. However, it should be factored into the financials when you work out a settlement.

You may end up paying him some kind of short term spousal maintenance if he’s been a ‘kept man’ for the past few years, but it would be on the understanding that he finds work if he’s able, that he takes some responsibility for the DCs and that he manages his own financial affairs once you split your assets, so that you’re not responsible for him in an ongoing manner forever.

Speak to a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and then hit him with a non negotiable plan. Good luck

Stop preempting him. Let him do whatever he does and deal with it when he does it. Don't let your fear of 'what if' stop you.

And no, don't gift him anything, you and your DC have an equal need.

If you’re worried about how he will react could Women’s Aid help you? I read something on here yesterday from them saying that if he hasn’t already turned violent it’s the ideal time to contact them, not wait until he has.

MyRelationship - you see that's my thought - so I have "the talk" with him, he then has no where to go without a penny and no way of sorting things out.

So then I have poked the snake and its trapped in the house with me. Feels even more dangerous?

You don't need to give him cash to facilitate his move. He isn't going to suddenly move out just because you ask him and present him with the cash for a deposit. He can do that if he chooses to. You are so conditioned into believing you must do everything for him to keep him happy that you've lost sight of what a grown up should be doing. He is not a person who doesn't have capacity to make decisions. He chooses to make everything your problem.