He's gone

[thelmalouisewaitforme]

Posting here as some of you might remember my previous thread on Relationships about my ex P (deleted as became too identifying).

I am finding it hard to type this and find the words.

He killed himself a couple of days ago.

I had tried to warn people he was a danger to himself but no one would listen.

I don't know how to feel, but I am heartbroken for him and his family. I have no idea what to do with myself over the next few days and weeks.

I remember your thread. I’m so sorry xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I worry everyone is blaming me. I don't know whether to go to the funeral. I don't know if I will be able to cope with it, plus wondering what everyone is thinking about me.

I don't even know how he died or where (only which county).

I'm so sorry. Is there one member of your family who is a bit more sensible who you can tell and who can pass on the news to the rest of the family for you?

Someone better informed than me will come along, but I think it's really, really important that you get urgent access to counselling. Perhaps someone like CRUSE? Other people will know better.

You are not to blame in any way, shape or form. Sending hugs

I read your whole previous thread.

I am so sorry that nobody listened to you, I remember you saying you had told numerous people he was a danger to himself. Please do not feel guilty, you did EVERYTHING you could to try and get him help. Sending you

Hi lovely. I don't know much about suicide but it's very hard to stop someone when they are in that mind set. Sometimes people seem absolutely fine and others there have been many attempts before they succeed. You can't blame yourself and nor can anyone else.

I have now spoken to a couple of family members and it was okay. I said I needed a few days to myself but might go and stay with them at the weekend. Today I am just going to spend the afternoon with a friend pottering and watching a film at hers. Then another friend is coming to mine this evening. It is really helping me to see people and talk, even just hearing their news is helping me. Knowing that life goes on and there are other things happening in the world is a small comfort.

I'm sorry for your loss op.

So he died just over a week ago. It's all been a bit of a blur.

I don't know what to do with myself sitting around the house day in, day out (I live alone).

I have told work I will go back in tomorrow - going to try a half day to start off with. Is this too soon?

I am worrying about work piling up (there is no one that can do my job when I'm not there, and too many complicated things that I'd have to go in to explain to someone anyway).

I think I am just conscious that being all alone day after day isn't particularly helpful (my family live about an hour away) and that some routine might help.

I am still trying to process what has happened but need some sort of distraction. Am I mad going back after a week. Only a handful of people at work know so I am worried as to how I will cope. I've already had to field several emails asking if I had a great holiday I just want to scream "actually no, I am in a living nightmare and this has been the most horrific week of my life".

If you feel able to go in then it may help to give you some routine and away from being in your own with your own thoughts. Did you say your boss knew and was understanding? Can they discretely tell your colleagues so people don't ask you if you had a nice holiday. If you go in and feel it's too much could you leave?

I'm so sorry op

Yes my boss knows and has been very understanding. His boss also knows plus three of my colleagues (but it's a big place so most people won't know anything). I sit alone usually but a close friend who works in another department is going to come and sit with me. She knows everything that has happened and I've seen her in over he last week so will be able to help me field awkward questions from people. Yes I'll be able to go home if I need to. Whenever I go back it will be hard so I am just going to try it and see.

Sending massive hugs.

I suggest that you try and find some grief counselling. You have had a dreadful experience, and having someone help you unpick it would probably help.

I have found it helpful to go into work when I have been grieving, but everyone is different and it may not work for you. Please be kind to yourself.

Hugs

I did enquiry about counselling through a local charity who specialise in bereavement but they said I should wait a while - until after the funeral at least. I can't even believe I am typing the word "funeral" I'm just so sad and despite all the terrible stuff that went on, I just wish I could bring him back. I can't bear the thought of coming home night after night and sitting here alone with my thoughts.

Do what is right for you at the time lass. Sod what anyone else thinks.

Is there anywhere you can go until after the funeral?

My parents live about an hour away but they aren't the greatest when it comes to emotions and even after my phone conversations with them I feel drained. Otherwise there is nowhere I can go. I have a big event coming up at work soon that I am organising - it would cause me even more anxiety if I went away and just dropped everything. I don't know why I am worrying about work right now, I've never been good at putting myself first.

Sending a vat of good vibes.

You have been under attack for months. It isn't easy to catch your breath at this point. I have not been in your situation, but at times when I couldn't work out whether it was face forward or Tuesday, I found counted cross stitch a comfort, because you had to concentrate on the pattern. It stopped my thoughts circling.

I strongly suggest that you speak to someone like the Samaritans at least. They may not be able to unravel this mess, but they will listen.

I also suggest (with lots of hugs) that you re-read this thread before you get in touch with them.

Are you able to get plenty of dog walking in? It can make for too much time to think, but if you are at least moving then it will help.7

I wish I knew the right words to send comfort to you, but I'm sending good vibes your way.

Good luck.

I have been listening to an audio book which seems to help calm my thoughts. Then at night when I go to bed I have a radio talk show on, mainly just for company to feel like someone is 'there'.

When will this hell end?! I will have to cope with this for the rest of my life and I don't know how I will do that.

The hell will end but only with time. The pain and thoughts become less frequent.

I didn’t see your thread but honestly it sounds like you tried to help.

I did try to help, then he left and wouldn't leave me alone so got in trouble with the police. It all became too much for him. I had to tell the police though as he was making so many threats to harm himself so they had to track him down. I wish I could turn back the clock. Maybe I could have spoken to him myself and got him help. I have so many regrets.

thelmalouisewaitforme You did absolutely nothing at all wrong. You really did nothing at all wrong. If anything, you were too kind. You took too much. You allowed yourself to be his punchbag. Re-read this thread and remember what he did you you.

This is why I think you need to get someone who is able to untangle this on your side. It is so much not your fault and I think you need to work through exactly what happened. Sending more hugs