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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know why I'm posting this

53 replies

RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 02:00

I've posted before under a different name about my h being abusive on a one off when I was pregnant. I thought that it was 50/50 blame even though the majority posts on here said to leave him.
Tonight he raped me. Then tried to pretend it didn't happen, even though I know, and he knew what he was doing. I've just chucked him out but my children are asleep upstairs. My mum says not to call the police and I agree but really need someone to talk to. Is anyone awake and reading this? Sorry to be a pain, there will be no updates but I need someone to speak to.

OP posts:
MrsCatE · 12/08/2018 02:52

Please don't keep apologising sweetie, we all feel for you and sending waves of empathy. Some good advice about recording what happened, how you feel and calling 111? Please don't start going down the I was / am drunk path - no one blames you. He's the bastard in the wrong.

MiconiumHappens · 12/08/2018 02:58

You don't need to defend your decision.

How are you feeling now?

Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 03:02

Thank you so much Flowers I completely know he is the arsehole in this situation. I've just spoken to him on the phone (as I was worried he would do something stupid) but he knows what he did was wrong and i will NEVER FORGIVE HIM. honestly I will never forget what happened he is a complete cunt and I know my marriage is over. I jsut feel so cral aboubt ot

OP posts:
Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 03:06

If anyone's awake and can talk can you pm me and I'll call you? I know that's really deperate but I dont want to be by myself.

OP posts:
MiconiumHappens · 12/08/2018 03:11

I've had a look on line and ringing:

the free, 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

Could be a middle ground, they're experts but not the police?

Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 03:20

Hi rhanks rheyre not answering

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 12/08/2018 03:32

I'd recommend you still write everything that has happened down and hide it away somewhere in case you do want to do something about it in the future. Or in case there are any future incidents. Record date, times and as much as what happened as you can.

pog100 · 12/08/2018 04:57

OP I think it's wrong of previous posters to pressurise you into reporting when you clearly don't want to. The Rape Crisis web site has lots of information on your choices and about SARCs where you can report without going to the police. Look them up and continue talking here. You have reacted brilliantly so far, well done and look after yourself.

RabbitsAreTasty · 12/08/2018 05:11

He raped you and you phoned him to check he was OK because he might "do something stupid". Do you realise how fucked up that is?

Please contact Women's Aid for help ending your relationship. It is a major warning sign that you feel so responsible for his feelings and prioritise them over your own, even in the immediate aftermath of him attacking you. Don't try to handle this alone. Call Women's Aid. Or you'll find yourself back with him in no time at all.

JudIII · 12/08/2018 05:54

How are you doing OP? I hope you got some rest. Flowers

Monty27 · 12/08/2018 06:08

This reply has been deleted

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RedSquirrelMoonlight · 12/08/2018 06:13

Would all the PP that are insisting she report the rape, kindly stop. Op has clearly an repeatedly stated she isn't going to and why.
She has a chain on the door so is safe tonight. I'm confident she'll make more decisions in coming days to continue acting safely (and she can do this W/o reporting the rape to the police).

Op -- I'm so sorry this has happened. One of the other posters recommended writing down your thoughts and describing what happened, please do that. You could also record it on phone if that's easier.

Also, drink plenty of water and maybe try to eat some crackers or make scrambled eggs to soak up the booze.

For the helplines, please keep trying to ring even if on hold / still ringing. Maybe use that time to record your thoughts on paper, even if steam of conscious short notes. The helpline will have best advice, they're trained.,

Love to you and your kiddos. My thoughts are with you tonight and will be in the days to come.

JudIII · 12/08/2018 06:24

@Monty27 maybe try and have some compassion for the complex emotion OPs currently going through. Maybe she will change her mind, maybe not. Whatever has just happened he's still the father of her kids and like she says there's no winners in this situation.

Kezebel · 12/08/2018 06:24

Plus if he's convicted my kids will have a sex offender dad.

Sad but OP, they already do.

You deserve to be safe, always. Flowers

Monty27 · 12/08/2018 06:32

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 07:15

Hi I'm awake now (half awake watching postman pat with ds Confused). Thank you for all the support, I'm not going to report him. I completely understand the frustration and I would feel the same if it wasn't my life but I don't trust the cps or the police to really try and prosecute and I want to move on with my life now.

I wanted to make sure he hadn't killed himself or something as when I told him to leave he was acting really strangly. I obviously still have feelings for him, we've been together since I was 21, I can't just switch all that off. I don't want to get back with together, I really don't. I can't imagine my life with him after this even if I can't imagine my life without him either.

I just needed to talk to someone last night. I've just heard him try to get in the door

OP posts:
Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 07:18

It's ok he's just left ds's car seat in the porch. He didn't try to get in.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 12/08/2018 07:42

Can someone be with you today op ? Flowers

GladysKnight · 12/08/2018 07:46

So sorry this has happened to you. You can't possibly know what to do right away, how could anyone? Can you get someone to sit with the kids while you try again to talk to one of the helplines/write it all down/get some sleep. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you sound clear and strong at the base of it all. You are obviously putting your children first, and obviously that includes looking after yourself. You are powerful. Wishing you all the strength in the world - and all the sleep you can get. Flowers

Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 12/08/2018 07:50

I'm seeing my sister later and im having a snooze now on the sofa. I'll be ok I think. Just can't believe this has happened. Who the fuck dies that.

OP posts:
ch0c0milkrox · 12/08/2018 08:02

I understand you not speaking to the police but you have to leave him now. The relationship is over. I am very sorry you've been through this.

Monty27 · 12/08/2018 08:07

Who does this? Ask yourself. You know the answer. Flowers

Original poster
RubberBabyBuggyBumpers · 13/08/2018 23:21

I've spoken to the rape crisis centre today, still trying to get my head round all of it.
So much I need to sort out and have no idea where to start.

OP posts:
TROUBLEDMAM · 13/08/2018 23:39

Well done babe x

BitOfFun · 14/08/2018 00:25

Yes, great first step, well done. I hope this is the start of you protecting yourself and your family from his abuse- you deserve so much better x

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