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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW / new woman

27 replies

Stripeyzigzag · 11/08/2018 16:43

I am trying to get over the breakdown of a long marriage. He has a new woman who may have been OW its unclear. I have met her years back & was gobsmacked to find out.

I feel like it is a stage I am going through. I feel I need to know what their relationship is like - he says they get on better. I know she is younger and slimmer than me with no responsibilities. Are they out having fun? Partying more? Laughing? Is he on a charm offensive? Etc etc

I feel like I want these details and my brain cannot let go of speculating.
I think it is because deep down I want to know what she has that I don’t, what did I lack. I know it is only torturing myself but I feel it is a stage I need to go through. Can anyone relate to this or give me some advice?

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 11/08/2018 16:46

Sorry you are going through this. It is really hard. My partner cheated and then walked out for a co-worker and I keep doing this. Wondering how life is for them and what he acts like with her. I think it's part of the process. Someone on here suggested writing a journal and that that can help with all the thoughts going round in your head about it all.

Yeah it could be like you say that you are trying to piece together why it happened. I'd like to know about this too. Not much advice sorry but I feel for you as it is horrible. x

noego · 11/08/2018 17:03

Please don't do it to yourself. You'll make yourself ill. Accept and satisfy yourself that he is a cheat, he has no integrity, dignity, honesty, trustworthiness, intelligence, maturity, faithfulness, loyalty, and now you've got rid of him, you're free to move on with your life as you want it to be. He is not worthy of your friendship or your time.

SendintheArdwolves · 11/08/2018 18:14

It is perfectly normal to feel almost crazily obsessed with someone you suspect may have been the OW, and you are right that it is a "stage" that will pass.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, but for your own preservation, it will pass much faster if you don't feed it.

Take practical steps - block her and him on all social media, or stay away from it entirely (get a friend to change all your passwords and promise not to tell you for a month if your resolve weakens).

Tell yourself that one day you will have answers to all these questions. And by then, you will no longer care about the whole thing Flowers

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 11/08/2018 18:22

Thanks, brilliant advice.

I also am struggling to make sense of this ending. If I could just understand it, I could get some emotional peace.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 11/08/2018 18:31

Try browsing the baggagereclaim site- lots of good advice on there about processing the end of a relationship. You WILL be alright.

noego · 11/08/2018 18:32

There is an article on chumplady at the moment on closure. Take a look.........

RainySeptember · 11/08/2018 18:36

Well I certainly went through it. I spent months stalking social media and then more months, after blocking them on everything, just imagining them living their fabulous life together. I think it's normal and can confirm that it does pass.

I know it won't make a jot of difference, but their life will not be as perfect as you are imagining it. They will have bad days at work, housework, arguments and bills to pay. They may be on their best behaviour now, as they're in their honeymoon period, but it will pass. You know his faults op - is he keeping her awake snoring, sulking after arguments, overspending, what? And she'll have faults too, of course.

She hasn't got anything that you haven't got. She's just shiny, new and exciting. Just look at how many second marriages fail to see how slim the chances are of them living happily ever after.

I found I recovered quicker when I focused on myself. Try to do that as you rebuild your life without this idiot. You'll get there, I promise.

Orange6904 · 11/08/2018 18:50

Yeah RainySeptember is right there, focus on yourself. Leave them to it. I know that's easy to say and not saying sweep how you feel under the rug but think about yourself.

Tinkeringbythesea · 11/08/2018 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orange6904 · 11/08/2018 19:07

I have a teenager to compare myself to Confused Try that one. Ugh.

Staying off social media now, it's too painful.

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 11/08/2018 21:20

Thanks
All helped

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 12/08/2018 05:25

Now what I am wondering is about the quality of their relationship because

  • is it the real deal & they are going to live happily ever after?? If so good luck to them, at least it was something worthwhile he blew up our lives for

-is she just a harmless bit of fun, a distraction & he’s going to wake up one day & either
a) come home (don’t judge me for this)
b) find the next women and the next woman

Obviously I have no control over any of what happens in his life, only mine so I have to get on with rebuilding my life.

I think this is all about being in a situation where I am powerless. He has called the shots on all of it. At least by thinking through the scenarios I have given myself a little power back. Now I can take that power and build a new and happy life for me and my children. It wouldn’t be the pick me dance. Just getting on with our lives.

Please any replies be gentle.

OP posts:
Tinkeringbythesea · 12/08/2018 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainySeptember · 12/08/2018 07:13

Well the odds are that it won't last, but hopefully by the time it fails you won't care, and you certainly won't consider taking him back.

Or yes they could stay together forever, but it won't be as idyllic as you are imagining.

Some time from now he will sit across the breakfast table and realise that the way he feels about her is similar to the way he felt about you. She won't be shiny and new and exciting any more. Except he will know how easy it is to conduct an affair, and so will she. There will be guilt about all of the people they hurt to be together. They will probably have to lie to new friends about how their relationship started. He will miss living with his children, and will be giving away some of his salary every month to you.
It won't be idyllic, no matter how it looks to the outside observer.

ivykaty44 · 12/08/2018 07:19

Sorry you’re going through this.

It seriously isn’t anything you have done, said, appear.

Instead of concentrating on their relationship

Concentrate on your relationship with yourself and who you are, what qualities want to exude.

Be kind to yourself

You can’t change if control what’s happened BUT you can control how you react to this and move on

ivykaty44 · 12/08/2018 07:22

Op how long has he been gone?

If he walked back in tomorrow and asked to come back - what would you do?

eve34 · 12/08/2018 07:28

I can't add much more. But this is not about you. Or what you didn't have. Or even the ow.

It's about him. He decided what he had wasn't enough. It wasn't fun anymore. But instead of trying to turn things around he went off looking for something else. She has been told a load of lies to make him look like the victim.

You can't compete with the excitement of being with someone new. That's impossible. In my opinion.

Do you really want someone who behaves like this. That put their own selfish wants before you and your family.

It is so very hard you are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense to you. Because you were loyal and have morals. Try hard not to give it any head space. Not easy I know. Go as no contact as you can. Don't let him see how upset you are. Try and build a network of people around you. And stay strong. This will pass and you will get more meh about it.

They might last the course. But you know him inside and out. I know my ex is a selfish bully. And I tolerated an awful lot of bad behaviour for the sake of family. Ow is very young and may think he can change. But also may think I don't need this shit. It isn't my concern. He has nothing. No Home. Trouble with money. Now smokes! And sees his kids 4 days a month. If that is 'Happy' he is welcome to it.

You will find peace. It takes time.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 12/08/2018 07:36

I agree with PPs. I split with an ex in 2001. He had a OW. No social media for me back then but I heard a couple of comments from a friend of his that he is starting to talk down to her etc. so I knew all was not well in their world. I have never seen the freind of his since but a couple of weeks ago I decided to look for him on FB. I found a FB page of his from back then when he was friends on it with OWs son. It hasn't had anything put on it since 2009 but he was clearly not with OW then as there were lots of photos of him with another GF altogether. In a roundabout way I discovered he has an up to date FB page too and he states he is decidedly single.

What I am trying to illustrate is that these things rarely last. They have got together under secretive circumstances and that is not great for really finding out about each other in a healthy way. Please try to stop obssessing. It's hellishly difficult but you are static in your life while you are like this. Good luck

Orange6904 · 12/08/2018 10:05

Op you sound like you're going through the same thought process as me at the moment, word for word. If you want to pm me and talk about things feel free, I've reached out to a couple of people on here and it's helped me process things quicker. x

Orange6904 · 12/08/2018 10:08

I keep wondering that @RainySeptember what they actually say to people about how they got together?

'Oh well my fiance was laid up after surgery and the sparks just flew with co-worker over the canteen table. Ugh. Very romantic.

RainySeptember · 12/08/2018 10:48

Sausage, the men I know who left their families for ow (or were kicked out and ended up with ow by default) all say the same thing :

My marriage was as good as over. We'd discussed separation but were sticking it out for the kids. We'd have separated anyway when the kids left home. It was hard on everyone but we're all happier now. Me and my ex wife are good pals, she can see it was for the best. The kids are fine with it.

The wives, obviously, tell a different story.

That is when they're talking to people who know they started out as an affair.

When they meet new people, who don't know, or who they think don't know, it's 'we met at work, I was already separated.'

I once asked my ex what he and ow celebrated as their anniversary. First kiss, first shag, first I love you, day I threw him out & he moved in with her, what? Because surely whatever first they're celebrating is tarnished by the knowledge that they were completely destroying other people.

Orange6904 · 12/08/2018 10:51

Yeah @RainySeptember I also wondered about anniversaries and stuff like that, like you say it all seems kind of tarnished.

Yeah a lot of what you said above is what he said to me, oh we're more like housemates/friends, you've changed (he changed to fit in with a girl half his age he means) you don't love me etc etc. I'm sure that's what he said to everyone else.

GeorgiePirate · 13/08/2018 15:28

Sorry OP. My exP had a 10 month affair and he continues with her now. They've had a number of very expensive holidays and most painful of all is he has introduced her to his children from his marriage and they are holidaying together. It is as if I and our daughter don't exist. I have no doubt he will ultimately cheat on her too but it is so hard not to obsess. I think it's normal but also (for me) important to remember life is easy when holidaying and partying. If you can try and start making plans for yourself to start to move forward. I am sorry. It is the most horrible feeling in the world.

fannycraddock72 · 13/08/2018 15:46

This subject came up on the brilliant chumplady website today...

www.chumplady.com/2018/08/dear-chump-lady-im-obsessed-with-the-ow/

richdeniro · 13/08/2018 15:49

I'm a guy going through the same thing.

Ex was texting other guys behind my back, I called her out on it a few times before she eventually she admitted it and then ended it with me.

One of the guys she was texting was a racist bigot football hooligan type, the exact opposite of me, plus she has young children so I often wonder what she saw in him that she didn't in me and what kind of relationship they have.

Best thing you can do is go NC and just give it time. You'll find yourself caring less and less with each passing day.