Friends who only want to see me

[Kef753]

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, kinda feel like I need somewhere to get it off my chest! I’ll try keep it short!

Basically I have 3 uni friends and we hardly see each other as we all live in different parts of the country. I’ve never known them with boyfriends/girlfriends but I had a boyfriend throughout uni and now have a new partner and a one year old. I haven’t seen my friends for years and when my daughter was born I never heard anything from them. I know we’ve drifted apart and I’m actually fine with that but now they’re coming here to see me but they only want to see me.

I was looking forward to catching up with them but since they complained that my partner can look after our daughter so I can see them on my own I’m dreading them coming. They do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them. I tried telling them we come as a family but they just made me feel guilty that they’re coming to me so I don’t have to travel with everything a baby needs for a weekend!

Am I just being a bitch for not wanting to leave my family for a weekend, I’ve never been one to go out on the town and prefer to chill out at home which is what I though we would do.

I suggested on the Saturday night they come round here for drinks, movies and a take away as I can’t go out, my OH is at work. They weren’t happy about this.

This is not at all how you phrased and suggested the situation in your OP!

Ok so the actual issue is nothing like what you said in your OP!

So you haven't got a babysitter, then. Just tell them you don't have a babysitter, maybe next time.

They do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them

Well of course they do because that would be normal for an old friends from uni meet up. Do they even know your husband?
You might be part of a family unit, but you're still you.

Sorry it’s really hard to put in all the little details in the OP and not write an essay! I’m NOT expecting them to come all this way to sit and make small talk with my OH, I would find that boring if I had to do it! My OH would be fine looking after our daughter for the day/afternoon/night IF he wasn’t at work. I’m not just here to be a mum and a girlfriend, my family is everything to me but it’s not the only thing I want to focus on, like I said I would love time to myself or to see friends but at the mo our circumstances don’t allow it without me having my daughter with me.

You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m either not explaining things very well or people just aren’t understanding what I’m saying. Thanks for the replies anyway.

stop being so sodding precious and book a babysitter on sitters.co.uk. You sound really hard work!

They do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them

It was at this point, that instead of saying

I tried telling them we come as a family
you should have said "I tried telling them my husband worked in the evenings and I don't have a babysitter"

That makes a completely different story.

Babysitters are expensive and make a night out cost a lot. But it was phrased so differently in the op that I’m not sure we are getting the right picture. How long are they here op? Your dh works 6 days - are they here the day he’s not? Could you go out that night? Is there a daytime you could meet them without your daughter? For dinner or predinner drinks or coffee depending on what time he starts work? You are a person not a package and I get the resentment but if there is an option at all you should try and go out without your dd. It sounds like it’s been a while. Which is fine when they are under 6 months but at one it would be good for you I think.

OP you keep changing your story.

on the Saturday we are planing to go out for a meal and shopping but I will have my daughter with me How come? You said your DH works in a bar at night and finishes around 2 - 3am. Surely he can look after DD before he goes to work?

In your OP you said they do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them. So here you were complaining that you didn't want to leave DD with your DP (who became a DH later)

You aren't coming across as particularly credible.

Surely you can meet up in the day and go out for lunch + shopping then? If your DH works in a bar then he should be up by about 1pm and wont have to leave for work until 6 or 7?

People are listening. You've said two different things. The first was consternation that they expected you to leave your child with their father so you could go out. The second was that your partner would be working and you couldn't get a babysitter. The second is perfectly reasonable but it isn't what you said the first time!

I’m either not explaining things very well or people just aren’t understanding what I’m saying.

Orrrrrrrr people are listening, do understand what you're saying but STILL think you should make the effort to have some girl time with your friends.

It sounds like you have completely changed your story from your OP because you don't like that people don't agree with you. In your OP you say AIBU for not wanting to leave my family to gp out with friends. This is totally different to not having a babysitter.

I think it's perfectly reasonable. They will meet your partner and baby then go out for a catch up. Win win. Why can't you be away from them for one evening?

Hang on OP - was there a typo in your original post?

I was looking forward to catching up with them but since they complained that my partner can look after our daughter so I can see them on my own I’m dreading them coming. They do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them

Should that be...

...since they complained that my partner CAN'T look after our daughter so I can see them on my own I’m dreading them coming.
?

because if so that makes sense - they're not understanding that you can't just go out whenever cos of DH job /baby?

Yeah your updates are basically a totally different scenario to your OK. If you don't have a babysitter and they won't come round to yours for drinks and take away then they're not much friends and I'd cut them loose tbh

Op*

@lindyhopy I was just about to say exactly what you said! Guess I'm not alone in my conclusion

It really does come across as if the issue is being changed and re-worded so posters will agree with you OP. Everyone has off days where they aren't as succinct as they'd like to be, so if it was innocent I apologize.

I think the consensus remains the same regardless of your situation however; either get DP/DH to watch DD (even if you need to shuffle your current plans to make sure he's home), find a sitter for a few hours, or cancel because you don't want to go.

I think best to leave it until your daughter is older and you have childcare arrangements.

Why can’t you get a babysitter? I went to a university reunion a few months ago and one of my friends had a 3 month old baby. It was the first time I’d met her new husband too. Obviously I wanted to see the baby and meet her new husband but I was more interested in catching up with my friends and having a laugh. As lovely as they were, I wouldn’t have been keen to go if we’d been expected to sit in her house with them for the entire time. You have to consider others who are at different life stages to you. I had my DC 20 years before this particular friend and I wouldn’t have expected her as a young single 20 year old to visit me and sit around with my family either. Friends are important, my marriage didn’t last and my DC are now grown up. I’m so grateful for my friends.

I have two kids and absolutely detest meeting up with friends with my or their kids. It just means there's no opportunity for a decent conversation and your attention is not on your friends.

I understand that you might not want to do the same things you did socially as you did at uni. But go out and let your hair down on your own.

Take it from me, don't put your life on hold for your family. It will not end well!

If you don’t want to be friends anymore, fair enough, but IME making and keeping friends gets harder as you get older with work, parenting etc. I personally really regret not making more effort to keep my non local friends.

Who issued the invitation to stay at yours for two nights? (Rather than meet elsewhere)? Eg was this you to avoid childcare issues?

If you made clear before travel plans were made that you had no childcare for the evenings, then your friends are being a bit U.

Why would your DD be with you and not DP for the daytime shopping?