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Original poster

Friends who only want to see me

75 replies

Kef753 · 10/08/2018 16:20

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, kinda feel like I need somewhere to get it off my chest! I’ll try keep it short!

Basically I have 3 uni friends and we hardly see each other as we all live in different parts of the country. I’ve never known them with boyfriends/girlfriends but I had a boyfriend throughout uni and now have a new partner and a one year old. I haven’t seen my friends for years and when my daughter was born I never heard anything from them. I know we’ve drifted apart and I’m actually fine with that but now they’re coming here to see me but they only want to see me.

I was looking forward to catching up with them but since they complained that my partner can look after our daughter so I can see them on my own I’m dreading them coming. They do want to meet my daughter but then expect me to leave her with my partner and just go out with them. I tried telling them we come as a family but they just made me feel guilty that they’re coming to me so I don’t have to travel with everything a baby needs for a weekend!

Am I just being a bitch for not wanting to leave my family for a weekend, I’ve never been one to go out on the town and prefer to chill out at home which is what I though we would do.

OP posts:

Figlessfig · 10/08/2018 17:03

No, no don’t do that. You can’t expect a group of young women you used to have fun with to sit in your house with a man they don’t know and a kid, drinking tea.

If you really can’t bear to be away from home for hours, at least go out for a meal and a few drinks with them. Then you can go home while they go clubbing or whatever.

Why would they want to spend the whole time with your husband and baby? What are you thinking?

TurnipCake · 10/08/2018 17:04

I tried telling them we come as a family

How many men say that

Do you actually want to see them? It's ok for people to drift apart and have nothing in common, if that's what stopping you. But if they're making the effort to come and see you by travelling a distance, it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of effort from you in return.

Original poster

Kef753 · 10/08/2018 17:05

Thanks for all your quick replies, I get what you’re all saying. Don’t get me wrong I would love to spend time just with friends but it’s not that simple now. My OH works 6 days a week and we have no one to babysit so it would be hard to go out on the town, I wouldn’t expect them to come round for a cuppa and sit awkwardly making small talk and like I said I appreciate they’re making the effort to come here. I think I would be more excited if we were close friends again but like I said over the years we’ve drifted apart and it was only ever me phoning them for a catch up and I got sick of it being so one sided so stopped. I think I feel his way because it’s like no communication for ages and then all of a sudden they’re coming here and expect me to drop everything to see them. Sorry I didn’t go into loads of details in my original post, I was trying not to ramble on!

OP posts:

userabcname · 10/08/2018 17:06

I think it's quite normal OP, even when the friends you are meeting have kids! Sure you can have family events including everyone but often it's just the friends meeting up. It sounds as though they do want to meet your family but you are their friend so of course they want some time just with you. You might enjoy some time with your friends - doesn't mean you are any less of a wife or mother!

WhyOhWine · 10/08/2018 17:07

I have a close single friend who has always preferred socialising just with me (or me and mutual female friends). Fine with me, although we did see each other less often for a while as a result (from about once a firtnight to about once every 5 or 6 weeks), e.g. i cut down my week night socialising when DC were small because I worked full time and wanted to see the DC in the evenings, so it limited the time I had for socialising.

My DCs are teens now and these days she really enjoys their company so is happy to come round to ours for a takeaway and watch the likes of Love Island with us all. Plus I have more free time to socialise now that DC are older and are off doing their own socialising, so I am back to seeing her as frequently as I did pre-DC. I am glad we made the effort to stay in contact on a basis that worked for both of us, even if at times it would have been easier if she had been happy just to come round to ours.

Figlessfig · 10/08/2018 17:07

If being with your friends without your husband and baby is something you really don’t want to do, you should probably cancel

AdventuresRUs · 10/08/2018 17:07

Id go out for the day somewhere interesting for a walk (coutry park/ cost path) all together and then leave baby with husband in the evening while you go out for a meal.

happypoobum · 10/08/2018 17:08

What do you mean My OH works 6 days a week and we have no one to babysit so it would be hard to go out on the town

Surely DH will babysit? Nobody is suggesting you get bladdered - you just go out for dinner and drinks and have a good time.

What happens when he sees his friends?

DilianaDilemma · 10/08/2018 17:08

I'll be brutally honest here:

I love my friends. I like most (but, TBH, not all) of their children. I don't really care about most of their partners one way or the other.

I'm more than happy to spend time as a group - with or without the kids. But I do relish some grownup alone time with people I've known since my own teens.

E.g. I like the wife of my best male friend well enough. But he's my friend and she's his wife. I know things about him that she doesn't. I get to tease him about things that happened way back. I get to patronise him. I get to question his prowess in the sack. He gets to do the same with me. That would be because I was there to hand-hold and head-pat his smitten conquests over breakfast when he was not willing to commit. And because he got to pretend to be the jealous boyfriend when my one night stands needed removing in the morning.

It's a totally different relationship when you've known someone since your teens/uni days. And partners/kids, while possibly well liked, aren't part of that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/08/2018 17:10

So they want to see you with your family, and then on your own. Seems fine?

Is the real problem the fact that tour OH is going to make it feel difficult for you to head out and leave him to parent?

HouseOfMouse · 10/08/2018 17:12

I think if the real reason is that you feel you've simply drifted apart and have gone in different directions with your life, then that's absolutely fine and maybe you should put it off. It does sound from your latest post that this is really the reason, as you sound like you're not looking forward to it at all.

The "we come as a family" is a bit more problematic for me - yes, you have a family now, but it doesn't stop you being an individual, nor should it. But as I said I suspect this is a red herring and the real reason is the first one.

EglantineP · 10/08/2018 17:15

As everyone says, why can't your DP babysit?

More generally, do NOT get stuck in a rut of never going anywhere without your DP. It is not healthy for you or your relationship.

Figlessfig · 10/08/2018 17:17

Ah, x post and drip feed!

It’s not just leaving your family at home, it’s resentment that they’ve ignored you for so long.

I sympathise, I really do. You need to have a good hard think about this.

Do you want to rejoin this friendship group? If so, you should make an effort and go out with them.

Are you unsure about whether you want to be friends with them again?Go out with them and see how it goes. You can always come home early if they get on your nerves.

Are you really no longer interested in them? Cancel and move on.

Forfolkssake · 10/08/2018 17:17

Surely you want to meet with your friends, without expecting them to make polite smalltalk with your new partner and child? How is that entertaining for anyone? What's the point of meeting up in that case? You'll be reminiscing about the good old days which your partner knows nothing about and it will be boring for him and awkward for everyone involved. Conversation will be stunted and forced. What's the problem with having sometime away from them for a while?

lindyhopy · 10/08/2018 17:20

They are making an effort to come to see you YABU to want your partner and baby to tag along. Just go out with them for a few hours and catch up.

bigKiteFlying · 10/08/2018 17:21

I think I feel his way because it’s like no communication for ages and then all of a sudden they’re coming here and expect me to drop everything to see them.

I can see that being annoying.

However I still think it comes down to do you want to see them or not.

If you do a drink or meal out with your DH having your child should be fine. If you don't want to see them - just tell them you are busy or more to point you have no interest in meeting up.

HonkyWonkWoman · 10/08/2018 17:22

I would cancel this meet-up OP!
You don't seem to be the least bit up for it.
You've got a good excuse with the baby and no babysitters, so I'd just cancel it for now and then let these Df drift again.

dragonflyflew · 10/08/2018 17:28

I have a friend who brings her child to everything. It's a ballache and a bore and I know it pissed other people off.
I also have a family member who brings her dh to everything despite the fact he hates our whole family and we dislike him. He hates everyone tbf. And it makes every family occasion shit.
And we are all now estranged from said family member because of her loyalty to her dh. Sorry , slight derailment.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/08/2018 17:28

I can see both sides of this. The OP feels that this isn't a great friendship (they've never met her partner or child) and they have no recent contact, so it probably doesn't seem worth giving up her time with her child for. OTOH, the friends might be looking to reconnect and want some time as a group, not with the partner & child they don't know and it would be a little unfair for them to travel to see you and just sit in the house all the time.

As others have suggested, you go go out for the afternoon/early evening and then come home OP and your partner could look after your child.

LeftRightCentre · 10/08/2018 17:29

Just cancel the visit! But 'we come as a family', ugggh. I wouldn't want to meet up with you with your partner and 1-year-old there. Sorry, I'd just cancel that.

Flyme21 · 10/08/2018 17:29

Whatever you do - you don't come as a family, a unit or whatever now. You do sometimes, and other times you are an individual in your own right. Having a healthy social life outside of your little family unit is normal and it's healthy.

JamAtkins · 10/08/2018 17:31

If your DP is at work then it's not "we come as a family", it's "I don't have a babysitter". I wouldn't mind going to a pals house and having a takeaway and a few drinks while the baby sleeps upstairs because she doesn't have a sitter. I would mind sitting there with her DP making small talk because she "comes as a family". I'm not big on going out but I do prefer to catch up with my friends without their DPs.

SpottingTheZebras · 10/08/2018 17:31

I think I would be more excited if we were close friends again but like I said over the years we’ve drifted apart and it was only ever me phoning them for a catch up and I got sick of it being so one sided so stopped. I think I feel his way because it’s like no communication for ages and then all of a sudden they’re coming here and expect me to drop everything to see them.

I get that you are resentful that you feel the friendship has been one sided but I still don’t see why you need your partner and child to be there for the duration when you meet up. Either you want to carry on with the friendship and, if so, what they have suggested is ideal or else you don’t, and if that is the case they just don’t see them at all and consider the friendship in the past.

BackforGood · 10/08/2018 17:34

I agree with almost everyone else.
I don't know what their plans are - if they are coming up and going home in the same day - then seeing them all for a lovely long lunch would be lovely. Arrange it on the day your dh doesn't work and all is well. Otherwise, maybe look in to finding someone who can babysit, just so you can have a little time to do as you'd like occasionally.
Or, if they are there overnight, then presumably your dh is there in the evenings, so, again, no issue.
Do NOT try to force your dh and dc on them. It really isn't the occasion.
Remember you are an individual person as well as being a Mum, and as well as being a {insert your job title} , and as well as being a wife, daughter, possibly sister, etc as well. You do not need to always do everything together. Expand your horizons a bit.

Original poster

Kef753 · 10/08/2018 17:37

My partner works in a busy bar and sometimes doesn’t get home until 3-4am, it’s hard for him to get time off. He wouldn’t want to spend much time with them because they’re my friends not his, he’d say hi and then head off to work. They’re coming Friday-Sunday and on the Saturday we are planing to go out for a meal and shopping but I will have my daughter with me, unless she’s at nursery when I’m working she’s always with me. There’s no other option, it might not seem healthy to some but it’s how we manage to pay bills. I suggested on the Saturday night they come round here for drinks, movies and a take away as I can’t go out, my OH is at work. They weren’t happy about this. Before I had a baby and we’d visit each other this is pretty much all we did anyway so I don’t see how it’s a problem now, my daughter will be in bed anyway! I think I meant by the “we come as a family” to mean I can’t just drop everything and come out with you, I have family obligations. Trust me it’s not an ideal way of living atm, we do what we have to do, I would love to let my hair down and be me for a day not just mum and partner!

OP posts:

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