Intimacy and affection issues

[Bomber10]

Hello all, I’m 43 and been with my wife for 16 years. Two kids 7 and 10. Just recently my wife has informed me that she no longer has the urge or drive to want any closeness or physical relationship. We both have a good jobs we enjoy and great kids. She came off the pill over a year ago to see if her libido would improve. For a while things seemed better but she’s just growing further away from me. I’ve tried all I can to help but no joy. We’re going for some marriage councilling soon at last. We’re not arguing or bickering and I’m the one making all the effort to resolve the issues. I’m totally lost. No one else involved. I can’t get her to open up to me and talk. I feel I can’t initiate sex anymore as I don’t feel she wants me etc. Any advice much appreciated

I myself am going through the same things with my husband. I feel I have gone off him completely(there's no one else).
Sometimes I just want him to surprise me with a DVD and a box of chocolates, but I also want him to leave.
Communication is key, if you both don't talk to each other what's the point?
Once kids are in bed maybe phones off, watch a film you both enjoy and order a take away.

Hi OP, it looks like you posted in Blogger Chat by mistake, so we've moved this to Relationships for you so you get more of a response.

OP - if physical side doesn’t improve but you both still love each other and want to stay together - then the only thing is to try an open marriage.

Not many silver bullets here otherwise. Unless you are prepared to live in a sexless marriage.
And that is unfair of anyone to ask of their partner. At least in your situation where you are both trying to solve it.
Last resort, but only choice if it comes to that.

@Bomber10

Pretty much the same situation here - generally happy, good kids, stable household, both employed etc - DW libido just steadily declined over the years where it is now utterly zero and admitted by her.

Whilst my DW has not said she no longer wishes to be intimate - she still likes hugs and kisses, she only goes through the motions in the bedroom to please which is soul destroying and doesn't please anyone.

Over the last few years I've brought it up more and more as I've become less and less content with the situation and now find it not sustainable long term - we're in our 40's also.

She understands the issues this is causing in the relationship but never tries to address the issue, so I've had to issue an ultimatum - we either sort out our sex life to our mutual satisfaction or decide to go our separate ways as it;s not fair on either of us to continue being unhappy, albeit I'm generally the more unhappy one.

It would break my heart to split the family up, but it will also break my heart to continue my one and only life feeling lonely, miserable, undesired and devoid of passion.

She has acknowledged the situation and grasps that it is now very real and knows I'm not bluffing, so we'll just have to see if things change.

Really hope it doesn't come to that but I'm no longer willing to miss out whilst I'm still relatively young enough to have something to offer.

So last poster?
You are saying if your partner doesn't get into sex that's it. Have you ever thought she may be turned off by you? Have you thought she has her own turns on and it's not you? She doesn't want sex isn't that she doesn't want sex just not with you? What do you bring to your relationship? Do you tell her she's gorgeous, kiss her when you don't want sex, give her loads of compliments, tell her she's fucking gorgeous, make her feel absolutely beautiful?

You sound like the entitled shits on here! Want your wife/gf to "give" you sex but no understanding about what turns them on or wants them to want sex with you

Does it not depend on what "addressing the issue" means? I'm in the same situation and I've tried to get DW to talk about what she'd like from me multiple times, I've asked her to go to counseling, I've read as many self help books as I can get my hands on. I've learnt from posters on MN and many other fora. What other avenues can be explored when trying to reignite a sex life?

I don't want an unwilling partner, if it's simply fundamentally I'm unattractive to DW why can't she say this. Ultimately, I will be making a similar ultimatum - we need to talk or we split. Not, we need to have sex or we split. That would be entitled.

@babycow38

Talked it through to death. She admits to not having any sex drive any more. Does't masturbate, doesn't think about sex with me or anyone else. I've tried everything to create the right environment based on endless research. She says she still fins me attractive, but just never feels the urge, never initiates and just never feels sexy.

What am I supposed to do, just suck it up and be miserable for the rest of my life, as that's not the advise I see offered to women on here in similar situations with their disinterested husbands who won;t address a problem whether that be low libido, ED or other issues that impact their sex lives - I read constant threads based on making difficult choices, he either goes to the doctor, makes an effort or you have to make a decision - that's what I'm now facing.

What would you do - husband never comes near you sexually, never flirts, never sends you suggestive texts or leaves a note, never responds to your advances, rejects you frequently, never gives any hint whatsoever that they are physically attracted to you, but offers passionless, disinterested sex every now any again to keep the peace, but is passionless, mechanical and clearly going through the motions, and openly admits to this when you talk.

What would you do after exploring every possible avenue to be told that your husband simply has no sex drive any more. Would you carry on forever, especially if sex and intimacy were really important to you?

Sorry, but I don't feel like an entitled shit, I fee like someone with a significant problem in their marriage who has tried for years to find a solution with little enthusiasm from my wife to help - when do you draw a line?

So yes - I'm at ultimatum point, we either work on having a meaningful sex life, or we take the decision to not carry on being unhappy, unfulfilled and frustrated for the rest of our lives.

As I say - what would you do (already explored therapy, books, self help, endless talking, talking to GP etc)

What if you give up an otherwise happy marriage and don't find a partner to have sex with? Are you confident you can find someone else? Would you put your sexual needs above keeping family together?

The key is 'otherwise happy' marriage.

It's a bit like saying 'otherwise healthy' apart from the chronic back ache that plagues every day of your life.

I'm sad, frustrated, my confidence is low, my self esteem flattened (all legitimate emotions according to what I read on here from people in similar positions) and it upsets me every single day of my life - I'm existing in this bubble of discontentment.

Is it such a gamble to believe that if you divorce you could meet someone else who has a libido and is genuinely interested in a physical relationship? Doesn't sound outlandish?

Or should I just be unhappy forever?

What I do know is that I'm no longer prepared to feel the way I have for the last 10 years anymore, so yes, I've got to make a decision, hence ultimatum. How else do you effect change in your life?

stressed not unreasonable nor outlandish but you can't guarantee meeting someone. What if you end up single? Seems like a big gamble. Would being single be better?

@StressedGuy
@Bomber10

As someone upthread suggested - if your relationships are OK otherwise - as there is friendships and a connection, just the physical side missing on the wives’ side - how about opening them up?

Have you tried asking the Wives if they’d be OK with you seeking sex outside of marriage. It may sound outlandish - but there are marriages that work like that.

Worth a try?

Honestly being single in my expirence I better. Single you may not being getting intermacy or sex but it isn't due to being rejected constantly by a person you care about. That is soul destroying and unless you have exoirence it you have no idea how it feels. The worst loneliness is being in a room with a perosn but feeling alone, I've been there and would never go back