A little piece of advice please...

[Meau]

I moved into my partner’s house the month before I had our son. My partner pays the mortgage and bills, whilst I do all chores/cooking/shopping for the house and everything for our son. I have offered on numerous occasions to pay half of bills and he doesn’t want me to. However, he frequently reminds me that this is his house and I’m lucky to not have bills to pay. In the past, he has laughed at how little I had saved or how little I earn alongside some choice name calling. I know I have been very fortunate to not pay bills but I spend a lot of time and money on the house and shopping. I go back to work in sept after a year off, so I’ve been on maternity pay. I’ve also worked evenings from home since the beginning of June. Now, he has transferred all money I had saved from the joint account back to me, and we are going to have a formal arrangement of what we each pay for bills (minus mortgage), things for our son and food shopping. On a much more positive note, he is great with our son and has just booked us all a family holiday next week. Yet some days we literally don’t speak?
I’d really like your opinions on this, please.

Firstly, are you happy living in a house you have no claim over if you split up?

It's better than if you did pay his mortgage. But you do realise he can make you homeless at any point? You have less rights than a lodger.

How long have you been together?.

And you are with this person at all because?...

Your legal position as it stands is very poor indeed and he likely knows it as well.

How did he sell this arrangement to you exactly or were you basically coerced into accepting this?. You are already paying everything for your son and the shopping (when does he ever do the shopping here?). A family holiday booked next week only papers over the chasm that is ever increasing in your relationship.

You are with someone who is using his better financial position over you. And not he is not great with his son at all if he is treating you as the mother of his child like this. Women in such poor relationships often write such when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man, you have really written nothing positive about him here. You may well love this man still but his actions towards you are not loving; he does not want to share.

Meau

That mortgage is in his sole name isn't it and I would also think he has no plans whatsoever to add you to it either.

Thankfully you do not pay his mortgage but a person should never pay for that if they are not named on it. If you did pay towards his mortgage cost you would never see that money again, at the very least it would be very difficult to get back. He is using his increased power and control in this relationship against you.

Why don’t you speak some days?
If you’re paying half the bills but not the mortgage you have no security in the house and no opportunity to save to purchase your own property. I would either want to be on the mortgage or only contributing towards food and my child (and at a lesser rate if he earns more). Then you could save a deposit and purchase your own property.
I have a 1 year and don’t live with my partner and we both have our own houses We are trying to work out a way of fairly merging together with me working less but not financially being disadvantaged ( it’s me that won’t marry at the moment)

However, he frequently reminds me that this is his house and I’m lucky to not have bills to pay. In the past, he has laughed at how little I had saved or how little I earn alongside some choice name calling.

Yuk

That is all

It sounds like he has deliberately not allowed you to pay towards the bills and mortgage, and only let you pay for 'disposable' items like shopping, plus do all the housework etc which is not a paid activity, so that you'll have no claim at all on his house if you split up. Meanwhile telling you how 'lucky' you are and laughing at your contribution. What a great guy

If you decide to stay with this guy I think you should chat to a solicitor about how not to end up in a very financially vulnerable position if you split up. I expect he/she will advise you to insist on contributing to the mortgage.

You're so very vulnerable here - and he has contempt for you.

You need to get yourself independent and rethink this whole thing.

Also, if he does no child care how is he great with your dc?! Anyone can coo over and play with a baby. That's not all there is to parenting tho.

I was in exactly the same situation as you and it did not end well. The fact that I had his dc did not stop him making me and dc homeless when he'd found someone else.

Be very, very careful he is deliberately controlling finances and letting you know how powerless you are in this situation whilst pretending to be a generous benefactor. Big red flags.

Name calling?
Doesn't speak to you half the time?
Mocks your contribution?

I would be walking away full stop. But if you are intending to stay you need to secure yours and your son's future.

I agree with the pp that you should start saving now for a home of your own if he won't put you on the mortgage. You must not start paying for his mortgage. Your money should be put in a separate account that is not accessible to him, and then you simply pay for what you are using food etc - not half the bills, as you have to consider the costs of your child and this should be shared between when you go back to work. The rest of the money should never be used for anything other than saving for your own property.

You might also want to share the childcare costs, share all the chores/cooking and housework in the house (do not start doing this as well as working, use September as a reset for the house and make a rota) everything must be split down the middle.

This does not seem like a very nice set up for you, with your dp lording over you that he owns the house, so I would question whether this relationship has any future in the long term.

Make sure your job is protected, and you save for your future.

I am a lawyer. If you don't pay towards the mortgage or other tangible property costs such as building work, or contribute significantly to the property in some other way (such as redecorating it - this would have to be substantial work, not just a bit of painting), then you have no claim over the property if you split up. It sounds as though your "D"P probably knows this. If you are happy to live like that with your child, then fine. If you would prefer security of accommodation for you and your child, and you can afford to live alone, then you may like to think about getting your own place when you go back to work. That way, whatever happens in your relationship, you and your child will have a secure home. If you do split up then DP would be liable to pay child maintenance, which you can calculate on the CMS calculator online.

Thank you all for your responses, it’s so good to hear others’ opinions.
We’ve been together for 4 years this year, and I moved in because I was pregnant and I knew he would have a more comfortable life in this house. I had a smaller place in a lesser desirable area, but I was only renting.
I think you are right, he does know that he has financial control. I just thought this was the best option for my son. He has given me back all the money I had saved so I’ll be using that to start saving for my own place. I know I’m not in a good position and sometimes feel extremely vulnerable but my son has everything he needs here.
As for the chores, I do everything. He hasn’t cooked a meal since I moved in last August. When I asked for some help one month for food, he asked me ‘what’s happening with your mat pay?’
Being on maternity has been so bloody lonely indoors. I feel so guilty for looking forward to going back to work. I have a wide circle of friends and great family but it’s not the same. On the outside, we have it all.
He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I get more attention walking around the park with the dogs and the buggy.
Now it sounds like I feel sorry for myself, I don’t! I know I got myself into this and appreciate all of what you say. It’s actually refreshing to know I’m not going mad. If I discuss anything with him, he tells me ‘I act the victim’ and ‘all I do is moan’ so your replies are gratefully received.

OP, a partner should make you feel good about yourself. Yours doesn't sound very nice

If you moved would you be on the mortgage.

If I put money towards the deposit then I would expect to be. However, I don’t know if I want to be financially tied.

You are nothing more than the housekeeper. Except a housekeeper would have some recourse at being treated like a piece of shit.

You don't "have it all" in fact you have very little.
No you shouldn't be paying for food for him or other supplies. In fact he should be sharing in the costs of your son.
Your son doesn't have everything babies need relatively little. But a happy mother is one of the most important. Living somewhere less desirable with fewer toys etc would be preferable.
I would strongly suggest you start to look for somewhere else to live ASAP. And why not try Mother and Baby groups or coffee mornings? It is tough for anyone stuck in with a baby.

I think he’s setting you up to move you on. Don’t do anything to a house you have no claim on. If you insist on buying things for it make sure it’s stuff you can take with you. You are in a very vulnerable position and it sounds like it’s been engineered that way.

Are you likely to ever get married?

So direct and true. Thank you for making me smile.

You are nothing to this man and he wants you around solely so you can cook, care for his child and clean for him.

I would seriously now look into rebuilding your life without him in it day to day. You and this man should no longer be together; he has practically all the power and control in this relationship and he knows it too. He is using this against you and will continue to do so.

My last response was directed at ‘AnyFucker’
The word marriage has never crossed our lips in any discussion. We have never even mentioned it.
I agree that he should be sharing in the costs of our son, I just feel like I owe him because I haven’t paid any rent/bills. Maybe because he doesn’t let me forget it. Yet, I’ve spent every penny I’ve been paid over maternity.
On a separate note, I’ll never forgive him for some of the things he has said/called me over the past year. I’m too embarrassed to even type them. I’m just holding on to all this bloody hostility, and hope that we can be the family I had planned.

Normally I’m so head strong. I have a successful career, heading towards mid 30s yet I feel stuck in a rut. When I’m indoors, I’m not myself and sometimes dread coming in through the door to an abundance of silence and monotonous factual conversation (if any)

I’d be very very nervous.

You are not married which I am sure by now you realise was a very stupid thing to do given your situation so there’s no reason to labour the point.

He seems unpleasant (name calling, mild financial abuse “ this is MY house” and stone walling). He is clearly fastidiously ensuring you have no claim at all on the house as you are paying all standing charges not any of the mortgage. This is not a coincidence.

The half and half for the expenses is very business like (you just had a baby so are on maternity and he wants you to pay half - what a Prince )

I would try and revisit with the “we are a team” let’s contrbute proportionally so we have the same spending money/ money to save. you should point out that your ability to earn is hindered by the childcare you do for both yourself and him!
His response will be telling - my prediction is he comes up with a load of shit excuses and insists on half half or something that leaves you worse off.

The point of this conversation is more for you to help you establish who you have made a child with and whether or not he actually gives a shit about you.

My prediction is sure as eggs is eggs in a few years you’ll want/need to get the fuck out of there. With that in mind...

-Buy nothing for the house.(repairs, paint, furniture)
-Go back to work
-Make him pay for half the childcare that’s needed or if he can be home me let him care for your child.
-Start saving everything you can - do not discuss your savings with him. Bank online and did not get statements sent through the house.
-Do not buy “extra things” for the baby outside the half and half. You will want to, but don’t, you are MUCH better off saving that £2/£5 etc

• cooking, honestly eat with the baby earlier and let him sort himself out if he won’t cook. Say you weren’t hungry and don’t wash up his pans no matter how long it takes.
• (as above) tackle the housework issue now! have a conversation now about who does what in the house (Make and agree a list) because he’ll expect you to do everything in the house, got to work FY and contribute half financially while he sits there like lord bountiful.

You’ll need all the savings you can get because this guy is a cheap fuck and he doesn’t view you as part of his team - he views you as someone out to take “his money”.

You are most likely right to stay put while the baby is small but I’d be making an exit plans

Could you afford to buy a house by yourself to get on the property ladder. Just thinking of your future.