A little piece of advice please...

[Meau]

I moved into my partner’s house the month before I had our son. My partner pays the mortgage and bills, whilst I do all chores/cooking/shopping for the house and everything for our son. I have offered on numerous occasions to pay half of bills and he doesn’t want me to. However, he frequently reminds me that this is his house and I’m lucky to not have bills to pay. In the past, he has laughed at how little I had saved or how little I earn alongside some choice name calling. I know I have been very fortunate to not pay bills but I spend a lot of time and money on the house and shopping. I go back to work in sept after a year off, so I’ve been on maternity pay. I’ve also worked evenings from home since the beginning of June. Now, he has transferred all money I had saved from the joint account back to me, and we are going to have a formal arrangement of what we each pay for bills (minus mortgage), things for our son and food shopping. On a much more positive note, he is great with our son and has just booked us all a family holiday next week. Yet some days we literally don’t speak?
I’d really like your opinions on this, please.

You’re right. It’s like he thinks I’m after what he has. That’s the least of my worries. I don’t want anything of his, and I never will. That’s not who I am, shame he doesn’t see that.

If I was to continue saving and being extremely tight, I could scrape together a deposit. Would probably take 2-3 years I think based on what I already have put away.

I’m just holding on to all this bloody hostility, and hope that we can be the family I had planned.

Do not hold on to this hostility and sadly you will not be the family you had planned.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships; surely not this role model of one. Would you want your son as an adult to treat his partner like you are?.

I have only skimmed these comments so may be addressing something already mentioned.

If I was you I'd let him pay! But in the meantime save up all of your money!! If things go sour and he kicks you out (which in my opinion sounds likely) you'll get some help too which will be beneficial. I wouldn't be able to feel happy being in limbo and also having to deal with being reminded you have had no financial input. Does he realise he made a baby with you/you birthed his child, he made a commitment to you by having a baby with you. He sounds absolutely awful and a shitty person, regardless of whether he's a good dad, that's no respect for you. He will still be a good dad whether you guys were together or not, so at least you wouldn't have to worry about that. Be clever, save your money and have a better life for you and your child. I'd much rather have less in life but be with someone who cares about me xx

You sound fab OP. You should be with someone who appreciates you.

Such abusive men really do not want to share.

(BTW did you give your son his surname as well?).

Its time you do not have the luxury of; your son will see how poorly you are treated by his dad as he grows. It also gives this man another 2-3 years of abusing you verbally and otherwise treating you like a skivvy. I would be most surprised if he did not actively try and sabotage your attempts to go full time; you will pay in full still.

sophiec123

He is not a good dad if he can and does treat the mother of his child like this. His commitment is purely to his own self, not Meau or her son.

Some abusive men can and do target (on the outside anyway but with their own set of insecurities) strong women because they see them as a further challenge to break down. He targeted you accordingly Meau, I have no doubt about that at all.

Meau - Would suggest that you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women and talk all this through with them.

Reminds me of my ex nasty piece he was. I also had ds with him and he remind me he was buying for everything.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

As I said I skimmed the comments, I fully agree that these are not the traits of a good dad!

I would just get out now if you can. It doesn't sound enjoyable or healthy!

Ignoring the finances for a minute - why are you doing all the chores and everything for your son? What does he do?

Re: finances: really glad to hear you are getting a formal arrangement in place as you are so, so vulnerable at the moment. He could chuck you out tomorrow and you'd have nothing.

When you go back to work, make sure your wages are paid into your own account, then transfer whatever amount into a shared account out of which mortgage and bills are paid.

Finally your comment of alongside some choice name calling - he sounds like a right charmer. NOT. This is emotional abuse. Do you want your son growing up thinking this is how men should speak to women?

I don’t want anything of his, and I never will.

Be pragmatic, not proud.

Do not fall into the trap of “doing it on your own” and “not needing anything”, you will make it harder for yourself and also you buy into his rhetoric that you are a user “taking” things from him.
The fact is he has a child and this comes with financial responsibilities.
You should aim to be fair but protect your child’s interests (he probably won’t)

Op, in the meantime, think carefully before having any more dc with this man.

meau
The name calling alone is enough for me to say LTB.
Me and DH have been together for 50 years and my God have we had some rows BUT he has never once resorted to name calling,setting an excellent example to our now adult kids and grandchildren.
I'm sure it won't be easy to go it alone but please don't tolerate this abusive behaviour any longer.
Best of luck for whatever you decide

Eish OP you need to find your own place asap. Have you tried to get on the Council housing list, surely your own place would be better than living with such a control freak.

It must be so demoralising living with a man who obviously has no respect for you. I do hope you get out of there as ap maybe then you will be able to breathe and make friends who will support you.

Please don't stay another few years (or months) while you save up.

You know how unhappy and bleak you feel now? In another year you will feel so, so much worse. Being treated like this will crush your self esteem. Already you can see changes in yourself.

You may well find you have lost any mojo, feeling totally unable to leave and trapped in a life as this prick's domestic servant and whipping boy, propping up his ego and his finances.

You need to seriously look at leaving. He will not start treating you better, whatever you do. This is who he is. That happy family unit you hope for is not going to happen. I advise leaving asap as this will take a horrible toll on you.

Use the returned savings as a deposit on your own rental. You and baby will feel much happier out from under his oppressive, abusive thumb. Your baby will pick up your unhappiness, no matter how "good" a father your partner is.

He's not at all a good father BTW.

Hi need advice. I've split with my husband, and we are joint tenancy of our house and I want to get him off but how can i do this? And also will this effect my contract or will I have to sign a whole new housing contract? Coz I now know the council have changed tenancy agreements.. I'm on the old one