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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUSBAND ON DATING SITES

27 replies

needadvice34 · 09/08/2018 23:11

This is the first time I've ever posted anything on a forum but really need some advice. Ive been with my husband for 17 years and married for 2. during this time I've caught him 6 different times on dating sites, recently caught again. I feel like its time to call it a day as only 8 months ago he was on them and it totally broke me but for the sake of my daughter i gave it another go but i told him if he went on them again it would be over for good. That obviously didn't stop him, he says he's never met up with any but from the messages I've seen he's planned to meet them. I feel totally worthless, has anyone else gone through this.

OP posts:
JavaJava · 09/08/2018 23:14

That's shit OP. You deserve more.

Chocolate123 · 09/08/2018 23:17

This is crap for you but he's not going to change. 6 times and you've stayed? Why would he change after 6 times

Monstrous · 09/08/2018 23:17

He’s actively looking for sex elsewhere. He’s blatently ignored your notunreasonable objections and ultimatum. He’s a dick.
It’s time to put on your big girl pants and get rid of him and actively show your daughter not to put up with this shit.
There’s no relationship worth saving here.
Sorry Flowers
You could have an amazing future without this shit of a man though....
Wishing you all the best...

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 09/08/2018 23:18

You are worth more than this. I know it’s not easy but time to move on LTB you deserve better. I’m sorry Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 09/08/2018 23:18

In answer to your question, no (thank god). I always wonder when people pose this type of problem, what would DH say if you told him that whatever he does, you can take it you have his agreement to do the same? What's good for the goose etc? ( Or in this case the gander). I knew a man who was quite prepared to be unfaithful, but when I asked what he'd do if his dw did the same - oh no, that would never do!

Original poster
needadvice34 · 09/08/2018 23:20

I just feel like he's laughing at me and I'm being made a fool of. He works away so I'm the one looking after our daughter and working full time. The funny thing is i thought we were happy. What an idiot!

OP posts:
CherryPlum · 09/08/2018 23:25

Why have you put up with it so many times? I don't understand

Original poster
needadvice34 · 09/08/2018 23:29

I know it sounds stupid but it became more real when we got married it hurt more. We've only been married 2 years and he's done it twice in those two years. Ive put up with it for our daughter but she's older now and understands whats going on. She still loves her dad but hates him for the way he's making me feel.

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 09/08/2018 23:37

Get rid!!! Your worth so much more!

Mytwistedimagination · 09/08/2018 23:37

Flowers My dh also works away, I found a woman's dating profile in his laptop history one weekend. Of course, he hadn't done anything, just looked out of curiosity, etc. When you say you've caught him, do you mean he has his own profile on there? I'm assuming so, if he messaged women. So no matter what he says, the intent was there to meet up, as you don't need an account to just look. If you can, get rid. He's not going to change his blatantly disrespectful ways. So many of them around, who think they're entitled to do what they please. Makes me sick. So sorry for you OP.

Original poster
needadvice34 · 09/08/2018 23:42

He's been on a few different dating sites and set up profiles, he's messaged hundreds of women and sent them he's mobile number so its easier for contact. He's told them he can get a nice hotel for them and sent them rude photos and asked for them in return

OP posts:
feliciabirthgiver · 10/08/2018 00:13

I know how awful this feels, but you are your daughters role model for how men will treat her in the future, you are not staying for her sake, you are staying because it feels so bloody awful to think about separating. If you really do want to do something for her sake then end this relationship and show her that it's not ok to be treated like this?
I know it feels like the end of the world but it is just the end of this chapter Thanks

Mytwistedimagination · 10/08/2018 00:21

Yeah, that's way past curiosity. What a twat.

Skittlesandbeer · 10/08/2018 00:29

Tell family, tell friends, tell everyone at the local shops if you want. It’ll help you to realise that it really is quite shocking, and push you to action once and for all.

You may have normalised it, but the rest of the world has not. Stop keeping his dirty secrets out of loyalty or pride. He has neither.

Good luck with your new life.

HelenaHB · 10/08/2018 00:37

Hundreds of women?? He's putting all this effort into trying to get laid elsewhere. Please don't put up with this for another minute.

Changedname220 · 10/08/2018 01:19

Yep mine did it a few weeks after I had a hysterectomy. Blamed it on being drunk and said he didn’t meet up or message anyone which I belive as he didn’t go anywhere. We split in April and within weeks he was on loads and trying to meet someone else (to fill the void I have left) apparently no one wants him as he says he’s too old or they say he’s on the rebound. Oh my heart bleeds. Not !

SpiritedLondon · 10/08/2018 01:35

The thing that strikes me is how he has been caught so many times. Does he not care about you finding out or is he just crap about covering his tracks ?

Original poster
needadvice34 · 10/08/2018 08:02

He’s crap at covering his tracks, I’ve checked his phone in the past and seen all the messages. This time was a complete accident he had an old phone but it was still connected to his Apple ID and I went to put my daughters SIM card in it only to find all the messages. I know I’m an idiot for staying with him, he’s never going to change I think I actually realise that now

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 10/08/2018 08:07

You think he's done something already OP?
Are you financially dependant on him?
Could you see yourself without him?

zippey · 10/08/2018 08:09

The more you put up with it, the more he will think you will forgive him. There are no consequences. Maybe some fine apart at least? You might find you and daughter will be happier without the constant niggle in the back of your head.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 10/08/2018 09:47

You are right, he's never going to change. He has messaged hundreds of women so has actually checked out of your marriage already. You need to do the same. (Check out, not message hundreds of men!) You have a job, he works away, so you can do the single person thing perfectly well. Don't let this horrible man take the piss out of you any more. Get rid of this waste of space.

Flamingosnbears · 10/08/2018 09:54

Don't put up with it I'm sure your daughter will agree and look up to you when she's older as you'll set the standard for her relationships.

CherryPlum · 10/08/2018 09:58

So he's sleeping around, and you're staying with him? If he's sent hundreds of messagss, he's probably slept with quite a few

Thebluedog · 10/08/2018 10:01

I’m afraid because he’s got away with it so many times in the past and you’ve forgiven him, he won’t stop. Any promises he makes will just be paying you lip service until he can start again, as he knows you’ll forgive him again. You either need to accept it and move on, or move on without him.

UpstartCrow · 10/08/2018 10:02

Get copies of all of his messages for evidence. And I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but it would be a wise move to go to the clinic and get a full STD check up Flowers