Help!

[Smc1200]

My wife isn’t interested in sex. Yeah, I know. Same old same old...
she’s had a hysterectomy over 3 years ago.. we’re in our 40’s.
just not intimacy. She occasionally gives me a handjob, but that’s it. And I’ve counted. That’s a 4 time a year thing which it seems like a chore to her. And it’s a one way thing only. She doesn’t want to be touched. It’s pointless really.
It’s really getting me down.
I know it may sound like I’m a male selfish pig, but I’m not. Really. Thinking about separating. Don’t want to ☹️

Have you told her that you're thinking of splitting?

Do you have children, if so how old are they?

Actually I think a relationship without intimacy is really tough. You’re in your 40s. Do you want to spend another 40 years like this? Have you spoken to her about this? What has she said? If I was with someone in that scenario, they would have to be willing to seek help, GP etc or the relationship would be over. What’s the alternative? You end up having an affair and then everyone gets hurt even more. If she isn’t willing to address this then you should let her know the marriage is at risk. Then decide as a couple if it’s something that can be resolved or not.

My step children are 17..
We’ve been together 5 years. Married for 3.
Some of you may think that maybe I’m ugly. I’m not! Although I my confidence is definitely low.
No.. I haven’t discussed this. The last time this was discussed was nearly 3 years ago..she got defensive and cried a lot, shouted at me and basically said to ‘go to the bathroom and sort myself out’. ☹️
So that was that. I’ve kept a log (don’t ask me why) of the number of occasions..
I haven’t been anywhere near a vagina since Jan 2016.
This is day number 950. My wife has ‘given me a hand’ 14 times.
I actually feel really miserable.. and she asks what’s wrong, but I don’t say because of what happened before..
The resentment has grown- and that’s wrong- but it has. I stay up half the night. I don’t go to bed at the same time, because I don’t want to cuddle anymore, because that’s it. That’s as far as it goes..I don’t want to be close to her in bed for obvious reasons. Don’t want to accidentally brush against her, because it won’t go anywhere, and I don’t want to be frustrated.
In the early days I tried so many things, bought, and set up some gorgeous glow lights that went around the bedroom. It looked magical. It really did. Didn’t work..I thought maybe it was me. Which I originally thought no, because I was never selfish in the lovemaking. Anyway I even bought a massager just in case. No..not used..when she was out one day I was upset looking at the lights and ripped them all down, chucked them in e bin with the massager..that was that. When she asked I just said the lights stopped working.

So, as I said this is day 950. And feeling at my lowest.

There is another thing that I haven’t mentioned which has also made me feel bad is this...before we met,her previous boyfriend had videod her giving him a BJ. I’d found this on the computer that they had shared.this was when I first got with her, and it didn’t really bother me too much. Not nice seeing, but it’s history.
What IS annoying is that she doesn’t give me one. At all ever. 😕

Ha. So on average I have a HJ every 70 days. But that is an average. Sometimes there are 5 month gaps

And one other thing that I’m not happy about. I’ve become addicted to over the counter medicine because it has a ‘calming effect’. Solphadeine. It’s the codeine in it that has the effect. I take about 12 per day whic is bad and sounds bad, but I take 3 four times a day.
When I wake,lunch,teatime,bedtime.

Why don't you leave?

I need help. Really need help..I feel that everything is hanging by a thread..

I don’t leave because I still love her. Is that your advice?

It's time you went to the doctor to see about safely coming off the tablets then talk to your wife. She is getting something from being with you and it's not fair to use you like that when you're not in a proper marriage. If you both didn't want sex then no issue.

Is the no-sex thing not right? I would like an honest what is normal for a married couple? 14 handjobs? No foreplay. She won’t let me touch her.

My advice would be to leave, yes. If you can't have conversations about the lack of sex, she has no interest in sex any more and no interest in looking at ways to get her libido back, and you're miserable (and being kinda weird ie. the keeping a log and obsessing about blowjobs she gave other men) and resentful, then there's no way forward together. Get help for your addiction and split up.

Is she stressed or feeling particularly down about things? Sometimes when I'm stressed sex and intimacy is the last thing on my mind and then you get into a routine of not being intimate which is hard to get out of.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel and changes you want to make. Listen to what she has to say as there may be underlying reasons.

Maybe suggest some time away where you can have a break from your normal routine and just focus on each other and your relationship.

If all else fails you will have to consider your options of not being with her, or dare I say it having an open relationship

Category 12. Whoah. Not weird or obsessing about a blowjob. Just don’t understand. And cat12, if you see something that your wife done with an ex, it’s quite different ,to say, her telling you. I kept a note only because I didn’t want it thrown back at me, to say I was being unreasonable.

I just wanted to have a ‘normal’ life. Don’t want a nympho. Just wanted to have a ‘normal’ sex life.

You seem very black and white cat12.and I don’t feel any empathy. Maybe things are perfect for you.

The problem is this is remarkably common. One person loses interest in sex and tbh it's usually the woman. I put it down to nature - when the woman has had her DC, she needs to look after them and not to go on procreating, whereas the man is programmed to spread his seed far and wide. (That's just my theory though!) If you remarried, chances are it would happen again.

Stressed? No more than anyone else I know..I’m sorry for feeling a little bit pissed off. And without letting you know the full extent , so yes. 950 days. I kept a note/diary. Whatever.
I’ve said I’ve been feeling really low. And I take the solphadeine soley for the calming effect. I have gone days without taking it, and can go without it, but I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.

So I may have used the word addiction incorrectly.

Single not single. Really? Is that opinion or personal experience?

A bit of both, tbh OP.

I know you said your lady had a bad reaction to your conversation three years ago. I really think you should sit her down and explain how you feel and you are not happy in the relationship.
I know that sometimes the daily grind of life can get in the way. As its been three years, and not mentioned since, maybe she thinks you are happy with the lack of intimacy now.
If it has got so far as you feel you want to separate, then its only fair that your lady is aware of your thoughts.

You say she had a hysterectomy several years ago. What was this for? Have you talked with her about how these health issues might be affecting her desire or body image?

My mum has recently had a hysterectomy (due to cancer). It’s shit. It changes so much about how you feel about yourself, not to mention screwing with your hormones and libido. I think most women would (and do) struggle post-hysterectomy, but it must be especially hard so young when you don’t expect to be in menopause so soon.

You won’t get anywhere without a full and frank conversation. All cards on the table. We can all advise you but what’s needed is an honest conversation and then you have something to work with or not, as the case may be. Unless you know whether she’s willing to work on this, all we/you can do is speculate.

I feel for you OP, this is a sad situation. No-one can advise you because you know that you have to tell her how you feel. Never mind how she reacted last time. You can't move forward if you don't. Sit her down and tell her that you simply can't continue like this but that you will support her in any counselling, treatment she may need to get her libido back. if she won't talk about it or refuses to do anything about it, then you have to consider a separation.

What’s the rest of your life like together if you take sex out the equation. because that’s all you have written about OP it’s hard to judge if she actually has just ‘gone off you’, or gone off sex. You could well end up in a similar situation again if you split and if everything else is good that has to be part of the equation