Help!

[Smc1200]

My wife isn’t interested in sex. Yeah, I know. Same old same old...
she’s had a hysterectomy over 3 years ago.. we’re in our 40’s.
just not intimacy. She occasionally gives me a handjob, but that’s it. And I’ve counted. That’s a 4 time a year thing which it seems like a chore to her. And it’s a one way thing only. She doesn’t want to be touched. It’s pointless really.
It’s really getting me down.
I know it may sound like I’m a male selfish pig, but I’m not. Really. Thinking about separating. Don’t want to ☹️

What happens if you actually initiate sex? How does she respond?

You’re very defensive about people advising you to leave.

After 3 years and no communication about it nothing will change. Of course it won’t. She’s not interested, she’s taken sex off the table and she’s not going suddenly change her mind.

You have three options.

Put up with it knowing exactly where to stand. You’ll have 40 or 50 years ahead of you of near celibacy and building resentment. Wouldn’t work for me.

One last attempt at talking about it, if she’s not willing to go to counselling or have an honest conversation about how you feel and how you’re not happy and considering ending the marriage. Probably not going to work as she’ll get angry and resentful.

Plan to leave and then do so. Being lonely on your own is much better than being lonely and feeling constantly rejected in a relationship.

Ending a marriage isn’t going to kill you. You both a right to be happy.

You are in your 40's
This is no way to live the rest of your life.
You have to sit her down now and tell her this is now a deal breaker for you.
I could not live with no intimacy.
I would be gone.
Harsh maybe, but I couldn't live like that.
Life is short.
You get one shot at this.
Seriously thing about talking, counselling and if not resolved then what separation would look like.

Would yr dw speak to a doctor or counsellor? It may be down to lack of hormones. I'm 40 something and have been married 15 year's, together 22. We don't do it as often as we used to, work, kids etc. But it is important and not something that I, or dh, would want to give up.

Great advice from Annelovesgilbert.

Your wife is obviously very happy with the status quo and isn't prepared to change.

You need to have a very frank conversation and explain that you are NOT happy and if there is no prospect of change then you will have to leave.

At least as a single man you have a chance of meeting someone you can be happy with.

Sorry to hear this OP. You sound really fed up and dejected and understandably so. I would leave too, I can't see how I could find happiness in this situation. You have a lot of life left to live and enjoy.

Life is too short. Seriously.
Try talking, try counselling, if she's gone through menopause and not having decent hrt her libido might have disappeared for now. She might be having embrassing symptoms such as dryness and unable to talk about it.
Try to listen and support her but if she won't budge then your only options are to leave, to have an 'open' marriage, have an affair or go without.
Your choice.
You can find someone else. You both deserve to be happy. I ended a marriage partially because of no sex or very disappointing sex as my husband was not interested in me. It was soul destroying.
I have occasional sex and occasional boyfriends. The sex I have since divorce is so much more fulfilling and exciting even if it's not regular. It's not the most important thing but it's important to me.
My life now as a single mum is stressful and difficult but I'd never want to be back in that cold relationship feeling unwanted.