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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going out of my mind

55 replies

LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 11:40

So as not to dripfeed, DH had inappropriate communication/behaviour with a woman some years ago which I couldn't prove was anything more than heavy flirting but strongly suspected it was. I am still with DH, obviously as otherwise I wouldn't be posting here, but as you can imagine there are some trust issues.

So, to the point of the post. I went on to my FB messages to post something to a group I've got set up but realised that it was logged in as DH. The first message was from a random woman and yes, I looked. It just saying "Hi, how are you?" which was sent yesterday. There were no responses that I could see, but I kept it on the screen and after a few minutes she came online, I then saw her original message disappear, only to be replaced with one that seemed a response to something DH had messaged her (also not present) along the lines of, "yeah, me too - unsurprisingly", that also disappeared before my eyes. Basically, it looks like they are speaking to each other on FB but he is deleting the messages as they go along - wouldn't you agree?

At the top of the message box it also said,

OP posts:
BadBear · 09/08/2018 11:52

Could he be using Messenger's secret conversations? It sounds like he is. You can't do much about the messages being deleted as it's automated but can't see why would anyone use it unless they had something to hide.

mumofone234 · 09/08/2018 11:55

I think you need to ask him outright about it. There’s obviously something going on and it might be better to lance the boil.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 11:58

Didn't even know there was a secret conversations option on FB - you learn something new every day! Another thing I should point out is that the conversation was muted when I first saw it (I turned the mute button off) - which basically means he would still get messages but there would be no alerts pinging on his phone. Looks even more suspicious if you ask me.

mumofone234 I think I may have no choice but to do so, I doubt I will be able to gather any evidence.

BadBear · 09/08/2018 12:03

I didn't know it was a thing until my friend showed me when a guy who had a girlfriend decided to hit on her and used that instead... So no it doesn't look good.

Has his behaviour changed recently, have you noticed anything?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:06

Oh fuck - namechange fail! Ah well.

It's difficult to tell re. behaviour as things have been a bit out of kilter recently anyway as I have had some very serious health issues and am currently in the midst of PTSD. To be honest, there wasn't an iota of change in his behaviour the last time so he's clearly capable of having a very good "poker face".

I guess I could check his phone to see if secret conversations is activated on it? Obviously wouldn't see the messages but just by being there it would say a lot.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:08

Although he did stay out at the local Wetherspoons until 2am a few weekends ago when I knew it closed at 12 and lied about who he was meeting (he insists he had planned to meet them and they just didn't turn up).

I posted on here about that and someone did say they were known to do lock ins on occasion so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

BadBear · 09/08/2018 12:18

On Messenger the 'Secret Conversation' feature is part of the settings so it doesn't need to be activated so it wouldn't prove anything. So if you do want to check his phone open the chat with the woman, Click on the 'i' on the top right corner, click on 'Go to Secret Conversation' and if he hasn't selected for the messages to be deleted they should all be there. Then click again on the 'i' to go back to the regular conversation.

I think you need to focus on your peace of mind right now as it sounds like you're going through a lot. I would definitely say it's time to talk to him instead of winding yourself up and letting it affect you mentally for a longer period of time.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:22

thankyou BadBear - I will give this a go when I get the chance.

BadBear · 09/08/2018 12:27

No worries! :) I hope everything goes well and you get it sorted out quickly.

Jammin3 · 09/08/2018 12:37

I'm going to be honest. Secret Conversations and putting the notifications on mute are huge red flags. :( If you can get his phone, I really would dig!

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:38

I don't know how the hell I'm going to behave normally with him until I get the chance to check his phone

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:41

What with this, plus what's happened recently (had a huge pulmonary embolism and wasn't far from dying in resus/ccu, now have PTSD but was just starting to feel a little better since working with a psychologist) I just don't know how I will cope.

Domino20 · 09/08/2018 12:50

It sounds like you are stuck in that limbo place that I often hear women talking about on here- a limbo of needing to have more information to confirm your partner is cheating. Based on his previous behaviour, I'd say he would try and gaslight you again. Denying anything more than messages and that he really was only at the pub. Your either going to have to keep quiet and gather more information or decide that as the trust is gone you are best splitting up regardless of affair/no affair. It's shitty for you and you have a lot going on but your partner is part of the problem, not part of the solution. I really wish you all the best x

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 12:57

Thankyou so much for your kind words Domino20 - I strongly suspect that after the incident a few years ago that he is doing a bang up job of covering his tracks so doubt I'll ever know for sure.

Domino20 · 09/08/2018 13:16

I agree, the set up with the secret messaging is really demonstrating a high level of duplicity.

Jupiter9 · 09/08/2018 13:21

Can you change the password to his FB account. Then deactivate it.

SunflowerJo08 · 09/08/2018 13:56

Ooh loving Jupiter's thoughts there! What a prick!

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 14:28

Surely then I'm guaranteed of not getting any more info though? Or do you mean to get back at him?

Jammin3 · 09/08/2018 14:56

I wouldnt do that, you'll be closing the door any more info. It has no benefit

SleepWarrior · 09/08/2018 15:04

Yeah, don't shut down facebook. Keep doing what you've been doing, and have your phone ready to snap a picture of any messages that do pop up.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 15:07

Yep that's the plan - just hoping he hasn't changed his password. Thinking about it he changed his email password a few weeks ago out of the blue (we're usually pretty transparent with phones/email accounts - well, the ones I know about anyway! I don't know why my spidey senses weren't tingling then.

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 15:19

Sorry - going back to my original name as it just dawned on me that they won't be highlighted otherwise

OP posts:
booboo24 · 09/08/2018 16:12

I think with secret messaging it will only show on one device at a time? So od ypure seekng it on the laptop thata the only place they'll show. If it's never been activated on his phone you'll know when you clicl on secret messages as you get a screen come up telling you about it. once you've done that once you don't get the message again

booboo24 · 09/08/2018 16:20

Just thinking about it, I dont think therefore he's secret messaging, it sounds like he is doing it through normal messenger which is why you can see it, but deleting as he goes

booboo24 · 09/08/2018 16:22

Just re read my first response! if you can understand that very quickly typed garbage then you're very smart! Sorry, typing at speed inbetween driving from one meeting to another!