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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going out of my mind

55 replies

LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 11:40

So as not to dripfeed, DH had inappropriate communication/behaviour with a woman some years ago which I couldn't prove was anything more than heavy flirting but strongly suspected it was. I am still with DH, obviously as otherwise I wouldn't be posting here, but as you can imagine there are some trust issues.

So, to the point of the post. I went on to my FB messages to post something to a group I've got set up but realised that it was logged in as DH. The first message was from a random woman and yes, I looked. It just saying "Hi, how are you?" which was sent yesterday. There were no responses that I could see, but I kept it on the screen and after a few minutes she came online, I then saw her original message disappear, only to be replaced with one that seemed a response to something DH had messaged her (also not present) along the lines of, "yeah, me too - unsurprisingly", that also disappeared before my eyes. Basically, it looks like they are speaking to each other on FB but he is deleting the messages as they go along - wouldn't you agree?

At the top of the message box it also said,

OP posts:
Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 16:35

I think you might be right booboo24 - so the messages will be gone now :( Only hope of knowing what's going on is if he's been calling/texting her I guess.

To be honest, why would you be deleting messages (I managed to screen grab the first) from/to a single (as confirmed by her public FB profile) woman in your local town if you didn't have something to hide.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 09/08/2018 16:59

Are you still infront of his screen? Can you leave it logged in and watch?

I sit in both camp with this, on the one hand 'those with nothing to hide, hide nothing" on the other hand, i've deleted messages before from friends where they've either said something extremely private amd i havent wanted the kids to see, or I've got a male friend who sends jokey things which are sometimes near the knuckle, there's no harm in them but it might be misconstrued so I just get rid!

Trust is everything though and with his past I can see why you feel like you do.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 17:29

I'm not, although have rechecked it a few time (nada), he's currently at a funeral so I guess not much time to message at the moment.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 17:32

I've got 1/2 a mind just to demand to see his phone when he gets home - if he refuses I'll have my answer.

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 17:34

I am the worlds worst at name changes! FFS.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 09/08/2018 17:46

is he private with his phone normally?

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 17:47

Not really, he'll let me have it if I ask (to look something up if mine is dead for example)

OP posts:
booboo24 · 09/08/2018 17:50

I would ask to use it for something and then say you need the loo or something and walk off with it. If he panics at it being out if his sight you'll know too. At least if he doesn't you can have a good look through it while locked away

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 17:52

Our loo doesn't have a lock!! There is literally nowhere in our house that does :(

OP posts:
booboo24 · 09/08/2018 18:01

His reaction would be enough though if he thinks you're walking away with it I woukd have thought

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 18:08

Good point - I'll give it a go.

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 09/08/2018 19:58

I meant change his password but leave his phone logged into new password, you can then access the account yourself without him knowing.

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 20:11

I tried - he hovered round me the whole time and saw me closing down his whatsapp - asked me why and I said because I don't trust him, it all came out - he's denying everything, refusing to let me see his phone 🙄 and I've told him to leave - he's gone now, after asking me where he's supposed to go (DGAF), hasn't taken any clothes though.

OP posts:
Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 20:12

He did admit to not being at the pub until 2 though. Said he was wandering around from 12.30 looking for somewhere else to have a drink - what utter bullshit

OP posts:
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/08/2018 20:14

Thank god DD isn't here (staying with her dad, my XH - looks like I'll have another one soon - for s couple of weeks)

Cawfee · 09/08/2018 20:15

You know you don’t need evidence right? If you don’t trust him then that’s enough to dump.

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 09/08/2018 20:56

I know - this is really really tough though, I'm on a knife edge mentally and physically at the moment, I'm struggling and don't know if I could cope alone. And it's the age old - but I love him and he's a wonderful man so much of the time (yes, yes I know - I've given the same advice myself to many a MNer) - Christ this is tough.

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 09/08/2018 23:46

I'm really sorry for you, I can't believe how selfish partners can be with your feelings, you are well rid of him.

Mrstobe90 · 10/08/2018 00:26

The fact that he wouldn't let you see his phone speaks volumes.

If he was innocent, he wouldn't just leave, he would be practically begging you to believe that he's telling the truth!

Stay strong OP and be well rid of him. He will never change.

Hidingtonothing · 10/08/2018 00:48

Why would he lie about being in the pub if he was just ‘walking around’? That, combined with not letting you see his phone tells you this isn’t innocent. I also think innocent people rarely (if ever) react to being accused with outrage and anger, guilty people do that to deflect and distract and it sounds like that’s exactly what he’s done.

You’ll be in shock atm, understandably, but when you’re ready we’ll be here if you need help working out where you go from here. Sending Flowers and a hug.

SleepWarrior · 16/08/2018 20:06

How are you doing op?

Original poster
LindaKroesig · 17/08/2018 11:44

Thanks for asking.

So it's been a funny few days. I kinda called a truce as DH's friend was very close to dying, and actually did a couple of days ago so, as you can imagine, he's been very upset.

I did arrange for us to go and see a relate counsellor and we've actually already had the initial session. My thinking is that he needs to take responsibility for what has happened and as part of that actually allow me to ask about the specific messages/words used/"evidence" if you will in front of someone impartial so I can come to a conclusion myself - and he knows he's going to have to allow me to do this if we have any chance (this is mainly to do with the big "event" that kicked off my mistrust years ago). The counsellor we saw was brilliant and the words she used towards DH were spot on, so I have decided to see what can be achieved this way and whether trust can be rebuilt. You may think of me as a gullible sap, but I'm not ready to call time on my marriage without seeing if there's a chance it can be fixed, but I'm going into this process very much with my eyes wide open.

Funnily enough there is a scarily similar thread currently running in relationships at the moment that I'm following with interest.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 17/08/2018 15:41

That seems reasonable if it's what you want to do.

His heart and soul need to be in it completely though. Going through the motions to get you off his back will do no good, but hopefully you will be able to read whether he is fully on board or not.

Yes, I'd seen the similar thread. Sadly not a very unusual scenario at all Sad. Too many people not taking care of their marriages as the precious but fragile things that they are.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/08/2018 16:36

i think you're acting like a stupid fool and deluding yourself.

He's cheated on you before - and you gave him another chance.
Since then....
He CHOOSES to cheat and lie to you.
He CHOOSES to cover his tracks so you won't find out.
He CHOOSES not to be open and honest with you - even when caught red handed.

And here you are giving him more chances and enabling him.

My thinking is that he needs to take responsibility for what has happened
He never has and never will - he doesn't respect or love you enough for that.

allow me to ask about the specific messages/words used/"evidence" if you will in front of someone impartial so I can come to a conclusion myself
You saw the conversation AND his refusal to show you his phone WITH YOUR OWN EYES!
You don't need any more evidence!

thethoughtfox · 18/08/2018 17:11

OP, this is your life and your marriage. You don't need to do what random people from the internet tell you. But you husband is a continual liar and cheat. What if he tells you about an incident of cheating on you ? You can't believe it because he may be hiding lots more. You will never have peace.