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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I tell the other mans wife ?

55 replies

whatdoidonowffs · 09/08/2018 06:26

Or is it just sour grapes that is making me want to ruin his life like mine has been ?

Wife has been having an affair since Christmas OM is married with two young boys
Just fuming about how unfair it is he gets to keep his wife children and Home while I’m losing all mine

Sorry to sound whiney but it’s one of those days 😔

OP posts:

TigerlilyMoon · 09/08/2018 10:21

I would 1000% want to know! Please please do the right thing and speak up. Save that poor woman's future. Could be someone on here who knows!! And I'm so sorry for this bollocks you're going through. What a total bitch x

Racecardriver · 09/08/2018 10:22

Tell her
She could be me. I would want to know.

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 10:23

hhhmmm it's a tough one, if I were her I'd want to know but alot of times the messenger gets shot, I probably wouldn't tbh, like you said it will make things smoother for you if you don't I think

RachelAnneJ · 09/08/2018 10:27

I would want to know. His wife deserves to know the truth about her marriage.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2018 10:35

Almost unanimous here, OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3324948-Poll-Y-or-N-would-you-want-to-know

allthatmalarkey · 09/08/2018 10:40

Don't know what to advise OP, but just want to say that me and DH are talking about how unfair it is that when a woman cheats she still gets to keep her home and kids, yet when a man cheats he loses them both and the injured party at least gets to stay with her family (assuming hetero marriage). The law used to mean a woman who simply wanted out of their marriage would lose their kids - meaning even women who were in abusive situations. Obviously, the law rightly wants what's in the best interests of the children and we can't see a way to do this better, but you have every right to feel how unfair it is and we can only offer sympathy. Maybe see a solicitor about whether there is a possibility of joint custody or another solution about your home as this might make you feel better.

allthatmalarkey · 09/08/2018 10:43

Obvs only a bit better - didn't want to seem insensitive.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2018 10:43

I would stay out of it, it won't change your situation or if anything will make it worse.

You also don't know the repercussions it will have. From what she will do, how it impacts their kids, through to him attempting to break your legs every day for the next ten years and the split with your wife becoming even more acrimonious.

Your wife is right, he isn't the reason you're splitting up. You and her are. Your relationship. He is simply a symptom.

Forget about him. Telling his wife will make you feel better for two seconds. Then you'll possibly have to face the repercussions.

Focus on you, yout wife, your kids.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2018 10:47

me and DH are talking about how unfair it is that when a woman cheats she still gets to keep her home and kids, yet when a man cheats he loses them both and the injured party at least gets to stay with her family (assuming hetero marriage). The law used to mean a woman who simply wanted out of their marriage would lose their kids - meaning even women who were in abusive situations

This is inacccurate. Custody is often shared and much of the decision here is about what the parents decide, often the mother wishes to keep the kids and the father wants that too. The law was never if s woman wanted divorce she automatically lost her kids.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2018 10:48

Also women don't get to keep the home unless child's maintenance and rhe mothers earnings allow it. More often than not the house is sold to allow for two homes to be bought.

greendale17 · 09/08/2018 10:48

If it was me I'd thank you for being honest and letting me know. So tell her and be kind and let her know you thought it was better for her to know than be lied to any longer.

^This. Plus her husband has put her sexual health at risk. She needs to know so she can get tested.

Brenna24 · 09/08/2018 10:51

I wish someone had told me a lot sooner. I hurt, but it explained a lot.

letsdolunch321 · 09/08/2018 10:51

Yes tell the wife, if he is man enough to have an affair, he should be man enough to face the consequences

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 09/08/2018 11:50

I wouldn't tell her. As PP have said, you don't know what their relationship is like - for all you know, he may well have left her already.

Anon90 · 09/08/2018 11:53

I would tell her. Dont know why some women on here seem to defend and protect cheats as lomg as theyre female.

Hes risking her sexual health for a start. She needs to know so she can get checked for STDs. OP should get himself checked too if he hasnt already.

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 11:58

I would tell her. Dont know why some women on here seem to defend and protect cheats as lomg as theyre female

The reason I said I wouldn't was more for selfish reasons of not wanting to draw more negativity on me or making the separation more difficult for me, not for protecting anyone (other than myself or himself in the case of this thread) But I would prefer to know (eventually) if I were the woman being cheated on too

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2018 12:47

I wouldn't tell the wife or the husband,

For me, they are irrelevant, it doesn't change my situation and I don't know the impacts it may have, on both myself or the spouse being told, or their kids. I believe the ops wife is right, and if she was Male, I'd also think he was right, the affair partner isn't responsible for thr marriage break down, the two people in the marriage are. The op and his wife.

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 12:51

please tell her, she deserves to know, I know I would want to know however painful it would be.
So sorry you are going through this.

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 12:53

Oh I actually missed the update where the OP says they're still having the affair :/ Oh in that case I'd tell his wife

Wherearemymarbles · 09/08/2018 13:46

I think I’d tell simply for the ‘its your fault I’m having an affair’ line.

She has a right to know and it draws a line in the sand and forces the issue for the stars And as for making things more acrimonious, well thats just blackmail. Do this or you dont the see the kids shit will happen if your stbx doesnt get the dog...

Magpie18 · 09/08/2018 17:04

Please tell her, I wish someone had told me.

I told OW's husband, almost five years on I have absolutely no regrets. I've never spoken or heard from either since that day & that's absolutely fine. My reasons were a mix of anger, wanting her to suffer and I believed he had a right to know. My involvement ended then.

Northernparent68 · 09/08/2018 19:48

If you tell the other man’s wife, your wife may get her revenge by being awkward about access.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2018 19:55

How did you find out? If it was the other way round, would you have wanted the wife to tell you?

I’d want to know.

SomeKnobend · 09/08/2018 19:58

Yes tell her. She may need a sexual health check (as do you, unless you haven't had sex since the affair started - which may not be when she told you it started). She should also have the right to make an informed decision about her marriage, and not be tricked into wasting any more of her life on this scummy bastard.

allthatmalarkey · 09/08/2018 21:07

@Bluntness100 Yeah, I've put that badly, Correct me if I'm wrong, but even though custody is often shared now the presumption is that the kids will still live with the mum most of the time. And as far as I knew, the way the law used to work was that if a husband fought a divorce or wasn't prepared to provide evidence for divorce (adultery being preferable to mistreatment), women had to provide the evidence themselves and that meant they would find it hard to keep their kids (unless the ex was amenable).
Anyway, if OP wanted his kids to live with him, how do you fancy his chances? DH and I know two fathers who have not got custody of their kids despite the mums neglecting the kids due to drugs or alcohol.

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