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Original poster

My ex is not open with me.

26 replies

Laylajaney · 09/08/2018 06:25

I 'm separated and living in same house with ex .We are doing this for practical and financial reasons .
Im completely open with him-told him about my dates etc. I discuss every move with him because i think we owe it to each other .We were married for a long time until he had an affair which he only finished when I found out about it .
I looked at his phone recently when it went off- this is something I wouldnt normally do- only to find that he is being offered alternative accomodation by another woman . I asked him about this because as far as I new we had decided after a lot of talking to carry on as we are giving each other privacy . We get on fairly well usually .We have children and grandchildren nearby. We go on holiday together etc.
I feel he is still being very secretive with me . Im completely open about things with him . I once again feel let down . Im happy with what he decides to do but had no idea he was discussing getting a room to live separately with other people. I dont mind if he does but feel that he isnt transparent about what he his doing .

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/08/2018 06:33

He has no obligation to tell you anything and it actually would be a good thing if he does move out. I think you need clear boundaries between you both so you can move on. If either of you can move out then you should do.

m0vinf0rward · 09/08/2018 06:41

He's totally entitled to not discuss any of this with you. Why do you feel like you have a right to know anymore? I wouldn't dream of discussing my love life with my ex, nor would I want to hear about hers... neither would I discuss my choices in what i plan to do or where I'm going. You need to let go as it sounds like you haven't really separated fully in your head. As you are separated both of you is fully entitled to whatever level of privacy you individually decided upon and it's not fair of the other one to make demands to know details etc. If this sounds unacceptable to you, then he's right to be moving out as it sounds a bit controlling on your part.

FuckPants · 09/08/2018 06:45

He's not doing anything wrong, you need to take a step back and stop telling him about your love life.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/08/2018 06:49

I think you’re failing to understand the concept of ‘separated’.

I’m sorry if it’s not how you think you agreed to relate to each other, but if you are separated then he doesn’t have to be ‘open’ with you.

It sounds like you’re doing all you can to cling onto the relationship in any form you can, but that he wants more separation. I think it’s going to be hard, but you need to accept it’s over & that’s going to be easier if he moves out and you stop doing ‘couple’ things like going on holiday together.

I’m sorry though, as it’s really hard after being together so long 🌷. Try to stay amicable as it’s nice to be able to both attend family stuff, but you need to face the fact that it might soon involve him bringing someone else along.

Barbaro · 09/08/2018 06:51

Are you telling him about your love life to make him jealous, be honest? I could understand why, considering how long you've been together and still living together.

But he has no reason to tell you his and he doesn't have to. You don't either. If he is going to move out, he will eventually and really probably should. One of you should at least.

category12 · 09/08/2018 06:51

You're being quite strange, really. Why on earth would you check his phone now? You've split up, you shouldn't be checking up on him. (It sounds a bit like you've been rubbing his face in you dating again tbh.)

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/08/2018 06:51

He isn't doing anything wrong.

He has been a shit with the cheating. But you choosing to tell him every detail of your life, is you choosing.

He isn't not obliged to do the same. You are not a couple any longer. If I found my ex looking at my phone, I would be pissed off.

Original poster
Laylajaney · 09/08/2018 06:59

He says he says he is open with me. Weve had laughs about things to do with dating online infact he is quite happy and encouraging.
We arent vindictive towards each other atall.
People do get on when separated.
Just surprised he isnt sticking to what weve agreed . Straight forward honesty with each other .

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 09/08/2018 07:48

I think you’re being a bit weird about this. He no longer has to dance to your tune & can do what he likes.

Take anything an ex says, with a huge pinch of salt & move on.

Good luck Flowers

HollyGibney · 09/08/2018 07:50

Just surprised he isnt sticking to what weve agreed . Straight forward honesty with each other

You sound nosy and a bit controlling actually. He doesn't need to tell you a thing and this idea of the two of you sharing everything and having a good giggle about the trials and tribulations of the dating game is a bit Hmm tbh.

ExceptionFatale · 09/08/2018 07:52

Staying together has worked out because you've "agreed to give each other privacy". Yet you tell him about your dates and go through his phone. That isn't privacy, for either of you, and if your ex feels/suspects what every other PP has picked up from your original post I'm not surprised he's looking at other accomidations.

I think it's hard for anyone to detach from a long term ex, living together adds an additional layer of difficulty. I think him moving would be healthy for both of you, allow you time to detach from the relationship you once had because honestly it isn't okay to go through a friends phone or things...you don't violate a friends privacy like that - you either drop it or back away from the friendship. Time to step back and heal by detaching yourself from your ex...this must be terrible for both of you :/

Thebluedog · 09/08/2018 07:53

He’s entitled to tell you what he does and doesn’t want to

I find it odd you’d share all that information with him. You’re separated and sound like you’re treating him as a mate rather than an ex.

As for reading his phone, you treat him like a dh who’s cheated and read his messages, but like a mate when talking about your dates etc. Would you read your friends phone messages? Sounds like you’re making this relationship with him how you want it to get the best of both worlds (or to me the worst of both)

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/08/2018 08:02

Being open doesn't mean he has to tell you everything. He gets to decide what info he wants to share and what he doesn't.

Wemadeit · 09/08/2018 08:05

Exh used to turn up laughing and joking about his dates. I hated it. It is very insensitive and inappropriate.

IKEAmeatba11s · 09/08/2018 08:08

"I asked him about this because as far as I new we had decided after a lot of talking to carry on as we are giving each other privacy ."

You're not sticking to what was agreed either.

AgentJohnson · 09/08/2018 09:29

Just surprised he isnt sticking to what weve agreed.

Really, you're 'separated' became he cheated. Your expectations of separation and privacy appears to be very different from your H (despite what he agreed to) and to most people on this thread. It's time to accept, just like in your marriage, you and your H aren't on the same page. Either accept that the price to pay for your idear of separate but living together comes with lies and broken promises or draw a more permanent line in your separated lives.

Let him go OP, there really is no way back to whatever you thought your arrangement could possibly bring in the future.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2018 09:42

I discuss every move with him because i think we owe it to each other
Why?
You are separated.
You are basically just house mates now.
Stop telling him everything.
You get on with your stuff and let him get on with his.

SunflowerJo08 · 09/08/2018 09:54

Maybe he doesn't want to upset you, so hasn't told you about this other woman and her offer? You are both very lucky to be able to keep things so relaxed - perhaps he doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

MMmomDD · 09/08/2018 10:03

OP - the idea to stay in the house and have privacy, be open, etc - I am guessing, originated with you.
You seem to believe that you owe it to each other.
And - most likely - he went along because he was feeling guilty at the time.

But - it’s an unsustainable situation, for most people. As people move on - meeting people and dating - they need to have their own space. Where they can spend time on their own with their dates, etc.

Anon90 · 09/08/2018 11:01

Just surprised he isnt sticking to what weve agreed . Straight forward honesty with each other .

Because he is was only doing it to ease his guilt, because he thought he would have privacy and probably incase

Anon90 · 09/08/2018 11:02

Pressed enter too soon.

Probably in case you wanted to try again. Hes realised that's not happening and is moving on. He isnt obligates to tell you a damned thing.

Anon90 · 09/08/2018 11:05

Also why does it matter who hes been offered accommodation by? Why do you need to know potential landlords/ladies?

The last two people my BF has rented from have been women. He can't control who owns it.

lifebegins50 · 09/08/2018 11:15

Straight forward honesty with each other

If he was straight talking and honest he would not have had an affair behind your back.
Basically he hasn't changed...perhaps you need to let go of an image of him as honest and realise that when it suits him he will do what he wants and not tell you.

If he is fair in other areas, such as finances then maybe you will just have to accept this part of him and NOT feel letdown when he behaves how he is..leopards and spots.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/08/2018 11:17

Your realtionship is over, it doesn’t matter how long you were married. You are now both free agents and can date whoever the hell you want

He does not need to tell you anything becuase he is now single and it’s none of your business really

dreaming174 · 09/08/2018 14:32

He cheated on you, you're not together anymore and you expect him to be honest?

Did you not learn your lesson?

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