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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help is my Relationship over?

43 replies

nicoladav · 09/08/2018 03:31

I’ve been with my partner for 18 happy months and we are looking at buying a house together. I want to wait until we have been on holiday together where we will be under the same roof so I’m sure my children and us get along all together before moving forward with house sales etc... my partner thinks I’m being totally unreasonable and is saying that he may cancel the holiday a week before we go which my children have been looking forward to as I have I that this may be the end of our relationship if I delay. I need some advice ?
How can he just suggest really coldly to me to potentially cancel the holiday and potentially end the relationship. I’m confused and cautious as it’s my first serious relationship after my divorce. My kids love him and he likes them too so there is nothing to suggest we wouldn’t get on.

OP posts:
Jupiterscallisto · 09/08/2018 03:41

Well that's a shitty thing for him to say. I'd listen to your instinct - there's a reason you don't want to rush into this and there's a reason he is forcing the issue. Do you know why he wants to buy a house so quickly? What are both of your current living circumstances?

Movablefeast · 09/08/2018 03:44

Don’t abandon any independence you have. If he can be this cold it is a massive red flag. Slow everything right down. If he’s the right man you should be able to take as much time as you need.

Movablefeast · 09/08/2018 03:46

He is basically blackmailing you which is obviously a form of manipulation, please proceed with caution. I would actually put the breaks on.

Original poster
nicoladav · 09/08/2018 03:52

We both own our own homes and we have looked at a house we both like which are new houses and only so many available in a different area so would also be uprooting to somewhere I don’t know. I’m just really confused that he dosent seek to understand my feelings and support me and instead suggests to cancel our holiday and in his words potentially end the relationship because there is no other option.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicoladav · 09/08/2018 03:53

Thanks that’s what I think however you start to doubt your own rational thoughts don’t you.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicoladav · 09/08/2018 03:56

Yes I’m really upset because the holiday is our next big test of all being together and that is my focus which he says is not important and actually it’s not his fault I’m upset by his comments.

OP posts:
Jupiterscallisto · 09/08/2018 04:06

I agree with Movable - slam those brakes on. You know something is off. I wonder if there's a financial implication here? It's only been 18 months, nothing at all in the grand scheme of things especially with children.

Tell him to cancel the holiday if he wants to - nothing to stop you and the children going somewhere surely?

Movablefeast · 09/08/2018 04:13

“Marry (or sell up and move in) in haste, repent at leisure”.

TheQueef · 09/08/2018 04:16

Keep your independence.

Why is he in such a rush?

Scoopofchaff · 09/08/2018 04:16

You are right to putting your DC first and proceeding with extreme caution.

If, after only 18 months, your dp can't appreciate the importance of that - I would say that is a massive red flag - and I would be slamming the breaks on the relationship too.

Secondly, if he is genuinely upset about the delay; there are much better ways of handling that situation than bilaterally cancelling. He sounds vv controlling. Beware!

Monty27 · 09/08/2018 04:17

Back right off now. He's already bullying you. Sorry OP.

MadeForThis · 09/08/2018 04:18

Massive red flag

Nicelunch25 · 09/08/2018 04:23

Threatening to end the relationship when he doesn't get his own way is a big sign of emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. Is he really expecting to uproot your kids and have them move schools etc? Have you discussed the financials to make sure this would be a good move for you and your home would be secure in the event of a split? By the sounds of things he could walk away very easily so if you don't spilt this time when will he issue his next threat to split?? Would it not be better if you really must live together for you to trial it in one of your homes first? Also your kids love him and he likes them???? This advice comes from someone who made the mistake of moving in with someone after a year and subsequently ended up homeless with 3 kids when his controlling/angry behaviour escalated.

Original poster
nicoladav · 09/08/2018 05:04

That’s what I’m worried about that there maybe another situation going forward now as I’m shocked by his response to me and I feel like it’s all my fault when I know I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Savvy42 · 09/08/2018 05:15

Wants us all to be together and sees no reason to wait

TeacupTattoo · 09/08/2018 05:53

Oh my, definitely be cautious here!! I would think very long and very hard about moving in with him...there will always be houses available at a later date. Do not rush because he is being bullish! You have to put yourself and your children first and if he was decent he would fully appreciate this. I would consider this a huge warning tbh.

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2018 06:36

Don't buy a house with him. He's not being reasonable at all. Are you sure you want to live with him?

Ryder63 · 09/08/2018 06:47

Big red flag. You are already doubting your own mind and he's making you feel unreasonable. You are not unreasonable - he certainly is though. Brakes. On.

niceupthedance · 09/08/2018 06:51

Does he have kids? Does he realise living with children is different from going home at the end of the weekend? How does he know you will all get on if he won't test it ?
Hmmmmmm

twilightsaga · 09/08/2018 07:09

If you're going away in a weeks time does he think you'd be able to buy a house before then?? Clearly you can't buy till you get back if it's a week away

Savvy42 · 09/08/2018 07:48

He has kids too but mine live with me.
The next tester for me is the holiday as I agree it’s totally different living with someone 24/7 when you are tired after a days work and then have to go straight into Mummy mode etc ....
I know right ? No way a house would sell in 2 weeks.
I will see how we get on holiday that’s assuming it’s not cancelled and go from there I think.
It’s good I know I’m not being unreasonable and you agree, how do I make him see that he’s the one being unreasonable and that the tester is also for him being with us 24/7 plus going on holiday is stressful anyway with flights , jet lag etc ...

Mum1g2b · 09/08/2018 08:04

Don’t ignore the red flags and trust your instincts.

I say this as someone who did and after 4 years my fiancé walked out on me, my 2 Kids and his baby son after we’d moved to his home town. All the signs were there from early on and I ignored them and my own instincts because he convinced me otherwise.

I’m now trying to pick up the pieces whilst he’s living the single life.

category12 · 09/08/2018 08:15

Red flag

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2018 09:02

and actually it’s not his fault I’m upset by his comments
Of course it's his fault.
His 'comments' were horrible and totally uncalled for.

This will not end well.
Tell him to cancel the holiday as you are not ready for any of this.
Do what is right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.
He can fall in with you or he can get to fuck.

This is the start of the bullying, controlling abuse.
Red flags flying here OP - Do NOT ignore them!

StopPOP · 09/08/2018 09:06

Yup, total reddy-McRed flag. The good news is that he waved it so early on. Saves you years of doubting yourself. Phew!

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