Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Help is my Relationship over?

43 replies

nicoladav · 09/08/2018 03:31

I’ve been with my partner for 18 happy months and we are looking at buying a house together. I want to wait until we have been on holiday together where we will be under the same roof so I’m sure my children and us get along all together before moving forward with house sales etc... my partner thinks I’m being totally unreasonable and is saying that he may cancel the holiday a week before we go which my children have been looking forward to as I have I that this may be the end of our relationship if I delay. I need some advice ?
How can he just suggest really coldly to me to potentially cancel the holiday and potentially end the relationship. I’m confused and cautious as it’s my first serious relationship after my divorce. My kids love him and he likes them too so there is nothing to suggest we wouldn’t get on.

OP posts:

Savvy42 · 09/08/2018 10:25

Thankyou. Hope you are doing ok

Savvy42 · 09/08/2018 10:27

Thankyou for your support. It’s much appreciated to know I’m not alone in what I think and feel.

My38274thNameChange · 09/08/2018 11:13

It took us SIX YEARS before we decided it was the right time to buy a house together. No pressure on either side, both have resident DC.

No way is that normal after 18 months!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2018 11:21

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN.

18 months is far too fast, especially if you both have kids.

notthisagain83 · 09/08/2018 11:27

I was with my ex fiance for a little over a year when he started talking about me and my DD moving in with him. We both absolutely adored this man but something in my gut kept me from making that commitment so i would always skirt around the subject. A few months back i voiced my concerned about us moving in together and the response i got was "well you should be happy and want to move in with me and you don't so its me that should be worried"...

it was this and taking a look at many other responses he gave in certain situation that made me realise what an emotional abusive prick he really was (Mr Sensitive Abuser) and have since LTB and feel so much happier for it. I missed all the previous red flags and im pissed off at myself it took me so long to see!

lifebegins50 · 09/08/2018 11:30

Very concerning as he is showing no empathy and is bullying you to get what HE wants.

If you are a reasonable person then you will try to see his viewpoint but that will make you weak in his eyes and allow you to be bullied.He is trying to force you to agree with threats of consequences.

His reaction is seriously over the top and I suggest (from painful experience) he has narcisstic traits.
A sign, that is is heading into abusive territory is when you start to question yourself.

I am just getting out of a marriage to a man who appeared very charming and kind but with hindsight the a traits were there. He was in a worse financial situation so he was not as balant as your partner.

Count yourself lucky he has revealed this side to him.
Can you find out why his marriage ended, is there any joint friends with his ex wife?

thethoughtfox · 09/08/2018 11:33

Your instincts were right. This man is not the right person to be around your children.

headinhands · 09/08/2018 11:34

Surely as your life partner he wants you to feel as secure and confident as possible?

Yet he doesn't. He's holding the holiday to ransom to force your hand. That's no way a partner should ever ever behave.

MMmomDD · 09/08/2018 12:24

OP - you both have your own houses.
Is there a reason - that test of living/behind together 24/7 can’t bw carried out in your house - BEFORE - you uproot your life and your kids and move to another area and are stuck????

18 months is way, way early to be making such massive steps - selling houses, moving to new areas, buying together. Especially when there are kids.
And when the man seems to be exhibiting such unreasonable behaviour.

You won’t be able to change his mind - he won’t see your point of view. Don’t waste your time.
Just slow all of this down and watch him.
And do try to rather ‘test’ it all on your turf. In your house. See if he fits in in your life.
(My guess - he’ll not want it and find all kinds of excuses why it shouldn’t be happening that way.
He has an agenda and only wants you if you follow his way of doing things.
And that is a huge red flag)

spunkymom22 · 09/08/2018 12:57

I don't see why no one has told you to just break off the relationship. He is obviously trying to manipulate you into buying a house with him, and this is something that should be looked at very carefully. What kind of person would do that? Why should you stick around to find out? What will he try to do next? I would be running that way >>>>>>>>>> not trying to figure out how to make things work.

Cricrichan · 09/08/2018 13:05

Woah! I would reconsider your relationship and would absolutely not move in with this man (ever)

RivanQueen · 09/08/2018 14:01

I'd be slamming the brakes on hard OP. He's waving the big red flag high and clear for you to see. If you don't take notice and let it him control you the situation this time he will know he can up the ante next time and the time after that. I'm giving you my first LTB, run away fast the hills are that way >>>>>>>

UnicornSparkles1 · 09/08/2018 14:24

You are not being at all unreasonable.

He is being controlling, bullying and manipulative.

Cancel the holiday and go away on your own with your children/plan some nice day trip activities.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2018 14:27

Does he have kids?

He sounds horrible.

And yes, 18 months is too soon anyway

eddielizzard · 09/08/2018 14:34

Eh? You want to wait a couple of weeks, until after your holiday to decide whether to buy a house together.

His reaction is to cancel the holiday and threaten to end the relationship?!

What a disproportionate, illogical, reactionary, bullying response!

Let him jog on if that's his decision. Thank god you found out now. Imagine any future decisions if you don't go along with what he wants. And I definitely wouldn't move away and uproot your kids.

This man is no good. It's not the reaction of a loving partner who wants to build a respectful future with you.

trojanpony · 09/08/2018 17:06

and is saying that he may cancel the holiday a week before we go which my children have been looking forward to as I have I that this may be the end of our relationship if I delay.

This is insane.
Go with your kids and fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
Red flags everywhere.

What is he like generally? Is he normally such an unpleasant bully?
I’d be ending/ considering ending the relationship. Why in the world would he not wait? Why is he trying to force you into entering a financial commitment with him so rapidly?

Thebluedog · 09/08/2018 17:12

Huge red flag fluttering in the breeze OP

He’s bullying you and using the holiday to get you to do what he wants. Brakes on I’m afraid. What will it be next? Your job, your family, your friends, finances the lair is endless. Sorry but I’d drop him like a hot coal

ponyprincess · 09/08/2018 17:33

You are lucky you had this massive red flag before you uprooted hour and your DCs lives bought a house with him etc

His reaction is controlling and extreme. I would run away but at minimum put the brakes on

Flip

1 2