Fulfilment in a marriage ...or lack of

[LesTroisSourisAveugles]

I find myself having the same argument with my DH for the last 12-18 months. I don’t feel that I am getting out of the marriage what I put in, emotionally. It all started when the youngest child turned three and it was as if the fog had lifted. I suddenly snapped out of this robotic slave mode where caring after my baby/children/family was all I did/knew. And noticed that nobody looked after me. Indeed I am bound hand and foot by marriage, kids, giving giving giving ... and not getting much back.

I am an attractive woman in her thirties, I get noticed out and about. Men flirt with me/show appreciation. But within my own marriage I feel invisible. I have to specifically ask my DH if I look nice to which I get a non-descript grunt or a stock ‘oh yes, very nice’ without even looking.

DH very rarely pays me compliments or gives other positive affirmations. I so miss feeling desired, appreciated, admired as a person, as a woman. It feels like I am trapped and resigned to the life of boredom, invisibility and thanklessness. Is this what all LTR eventually turn into? Should I be grown up and just accept this is how it will be for the rest of my life?

Is it the stage in life called parenting where you come last, for 20 years? Does it get better eventually?

And how do you cope?

I have tried spelling it out to my H (on numerous occasions), he is apologetic and says he doesn’t mean not to notice me / give me little affection. But it soon returns to same old, treating me as a reliably functioning background appliance which does not require intervention. I am getting increasingly fed up. How do I turn this around, how do I start feeling appreciated and loved in my own marriage? Or how do I stop caring about it?

Could you start by organising a night out with the girls once a week where he takes over and sees you all dressed up heading out. Or weekends away here and there so they get a chance to miss you and see how they cope without you?

Do you give him lots of compliments and affection ?

Perhaps you need to go out more together as a couple where you have the time to get dressed up together and have quality time to chat and catch up with no kid distractions.

I'm with user, sort out babysitting and go out with DH at least once a month so it is a regular thing.
Also agree with Jelly, get some time for yourself leaving them to cope without you for a time.
Be proactive to get more out of your life, you don't have to settle for just being mum.

Jelly, I am not sure I am ready to be away for a weekend, but I do go out to meet friends, gym sometimes. I don’t think me being away changes how I am viewed though. Maybe it is the perceived security of the whole set up.

If I had one foot out the door would my H pay more attention?

Such a shame this horrible complacency. But I cannot seem to be able to communicate it is killing me.

Getting out together more as a couple has been a pipe dream for 10 years now. With three children babysitters do not come by easy...

If we go out, the kids tag along. So you can imagine the quality and flow of conversation, not.

He might be feeling neglected as well. As you say, you've been in a hamster wheel for 3 yrs and haven't had time for anything but the kids - understandably so btw!!!!
I think you might need some time to reconnect. Be honest and say it's like you've just opened your eyes and realise 'how good looking he is' or 'how you miss his conversations with you?'... etc etc. You know him best so hopefully won't run out of compliments.😉
Try it and see if reciprocated.

Wrt to me complimenting my H, it would appear he is happy with our relationship, until the moment when I ‘inexplicably’ flip and completely shut myself off to him (after I bloody have had enough again). Then he does notice. But he does not seem to link the lack of appreciation prior to me going off on one. Sometimes I feel so angry, I can barely bring myself to talk to him.

When I eventually calm down and say how frustrated and unloved I feel, he is all very sorry, for about an hour, and back to usual business the next day.

I can’t stand this circular argument.
And the big surprise it is to H everytime when I go in a huff on one. He would actually say, and what was that about, completely oblivious as to why I may be upset if everything is great.

It's very easy and perhaps normal to sleepwalk in to this stage - I'm sure you've both been working very hard to keep it all together and that doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for anything else. And yes relationships do change over years and family pressures. However you don't have to settle for that.

But I slightly suspect that you want more positive attention without giving giving out the same - flirting is a two way street and you can initiate it. It shouldn't be entirely down to your husband.

And start looking for a babysitter - ask at nursery if you child attends one. Plan a night out - a real treat and something to get excited about and pay a compliment or two to your husband.

Filzma, I shall try showering him with compliments like that :)

My niggling concern is though, it will be putting in more emotional labour from me without my OH feeling the need to do the same back. The impression I get, he has all his troubles listened to and his concerns attended to, but somehow it is one way mostly. Once he is happy, job done.

With me, it’s only on his radar if I am very unhappy as in struggling to speak through anger that he will notice, and even then, whatever has brought this on?

Arrrrrgh

Why are you bottling it all up and then going off on one?

Explore why you feel so angry.

Set aside some time and have a conversation about how you are feeling - without tears/shouting/drama.

And stop ducking the advice to compliment him/flirt at bit - it's good advice! Do you fancy him?

Don't really have any advice, but just to say I know how you feel and have been in a similar situation for the past 20+ years. He's always managed to make me feel not good enough, one time he bought me lingerie at my request for Christmas and I tried it on and all he said was "oh it dosnt fit, I should of bought a bigger size".. I was so embarrassed. Sex for a long time was just for him and then he'd turn over to sleep. He never made me feel like I'm anything special really and this went on for years despite me bringing it up from time to time, that I felt more like best friends then passionate lovers. Things changed over the last year or so that I think has made him notice me abit more, but all those years have done their damage.

Notonthestairs, you are spot on. We have both been working flat out at maximum capacity for years now. And yes we absolutely sleepwalked into this.

We used to get on great. But there are so many pressures now. And we are always tired and pulled in all directions.

This is actually what my H says when I complain about feeling neglected, ‘but I work so hard’. He does, but then so do I. I resent life being such a drudge. Surely, there needs to be something good to balance it out or at least make it more bearable?

I know having children is a crisis point in a relationship (as well as them flying the nest!), so can I reasonably hope it is just how it is at this stage in our lives and we will get more space and greater opportunities to connect as childrearing/ providing pressures lessen over time?

Stairs, I do fancy my DH. I shall make it a purposeful effort to compliment him more. I know it will work with me ;)

We do have banter etc.

You are quite right, I need to keep trying to get across to him how I feel in a constructive manner. It is just I have tried to explain it many times, it is disheartening.
Like covering old ground over and over.

If you want more excitement and fun in your marriage you have to plan for it and investment time and energy, you can’t just moan that you can’t find a babysitter! Either it’s a priority “because you can’t go in like this anymore” or it’s not,

Sadie, but what has brought on the change?

I also fear the damage it is doing to me and to our relationship.
We have pulled together through some tough times before, hopefully we’ll pull through this, too.

Moveablefeast, you are right. Going and doing something fun and exciting together requires substantial investment and planning.

No more costly that a divorce will be though.

My dh said to me that in a guys mind if he looks for sex with his wife it means he is attracted to her, other wise he wouldn't bother, so why do they have to do anything else to show her that he's attracted. Where as women need compliments, reassurance, to feel desired to feel fulfilled in a marriage. Some men are good at knowing how to make women feel like they are the only one in the world, and some are just shit at it I guess. I can't really get into why he has began taking more notice, but basically I think he realized that I was more then just his wife and the mother of his kids, and that other men find me attractive.
Do as op suggest, make time for yourselves, dates, etc. But some guys just don't have the ability to make women feel appreciated, although deep down they do.

But some guys just don't have the ability to make women feel appreciated, although deep down they do.

Sadie, this is the thing. My DH says he loves me and appreciates me, he just doesn’t communicate it in a way that I would register.

I remember watching a video that struck me about different views on things by men and women: a man in love with the woman will happily bugger off for months pursuing his dreams and goals leaving her a home, then come back and pick up where he left off.

If a woman buggered off like that, it means she is no longer in love and you won’t see her again.

Women crave closeness and intimacy more. I guess therein lies the mismatch. My H can’t understand what the fuss is all about. And I am withering without affection.

I suppose it comes down to if you are happy to just accept that he will never be great at giving you exactly what you need to make you content in your relationship but understand that he does care deep down. It's very difficult when this only becomes apparent after you've settled and have children because is it enough to end a marriage over? In hindsight I think if it's really never going to change and you are truly unhappy perhaps it is.
Have you ever looked into the love languages theory? It might be worth a try? Google love languages and both of you take the test and then discuss the results and how you can both make changes to make eachother feel special. I hope you work this out op

There's also a helpful theory called Love Languages (you can Google). People need love shown in different ways, some like physical affection, some like shared activities, some need lots of time together, some emphasize gifts (!) You have to figure out which ways you like to receive love and do your best to fulfill your partners needs to strengthen your relationship.

Works with kids to. One of my teens still likes lots of cuddles while the other feels more loved when I do thoughtful things for her.

I think it’s asking a bit too much of yourself to start putting even more effort in (date nights, compliments, etc).

Better to organise your own nights out. Let him see you excited and dressed up. Then blithely wave them all goodbye for a few hours. Do em all good to miss you a bit and feel the FOMO.

sadies x-post!

*I think it’s asking a bit too much of yourself to start putting even more effort in (date nights, compliments, etc).

Better to organise your own nights out. Let him see you excited and dressed up. Then blithely wave them all goodbye for a few hours. Do em all good to miss you a bit and feel the FOMO.*

This^^

All the other advice has been reasonable and logical, but what happens when you put in this effort to complement him and he still doesn't notice? Could make things worse as you'll be in the same position but much more resentful.

I second doing your own thing a bit more, I found all the same things bothered me as bother you when I felt a lack of ‘friends’ and social life, the minute I imoroved it, somehow it mattered less. I just think ‘bollocks’