How often does your partner “treat” you?

[Sailinghappy]

Or do you treat them? By treat, I mean paying for a meal out or buying a gift for example. My friend thinks it’s odd that my husband doesn’t really treat me, we actually have a lovely lifestyle and eat out often/ nice holidays etc but we pay for everything 50-50 or sometimes he lays and I buy the next one. Her husband pays for all meals out and also “treats” her to expensive gifts. I have largely the same expensive items (similar perfumes/ makeup/ bags/ jewellery) as her but I buy them for myself (I earn considerably more than my friend - is that a factor?) . Also, on birthdays / Christmas me and husband buy gifts of the same value for each other whereas she buys a token gift for husband and he splashes on her. What do other people do? Is it just linked to who earns the most in the relationship? Me and husband are happy as it is in any case, just wondering if we are indeed odd 😂😂😂

I think if he earns substantiallh more than her and doesn't share it with her, he simply covers a proportion of the bills that's not very nice of him. He then buys her things or takes her out, as and when he chooses, becayse he chooses to not let her access his disposable income.

I don't think it's strange it's just not very nice in a marriage where one party is substantially less well off than the other.

I've got a friend like that. She often says her husband has bought her some jewellery or perfume.

I can't understand it myself. We've got a joint bank account, so my wages go in monthly, his go in weekly. I buy myself stuff all the time! Our sons are adults and have their own places. I treat my GC all the time. If I see something I want/like, I have it! Same with my husband. We had so many years of going without, I'm making up for it now.

That's the thing, if she had equal access to money she could make financial decisions and buy what she wanted or needed within reason.

She's in a bad position but has tried to spin it to look like he's generous. In reality he is the opposite, he doesn't grant her access to his disposable income and he decides what she gets. when and if. He's financially controlling and he lacks generosity to her.

We don't have much spare money at the moment but even when we do/did we don't tend to treat each other. We do always do special things for birthdays though. DP surprised me with a trip to Milan, which I only found out about on the way to the airport, for my birthday last year. I was 6 months pregnant, a month away from my final exams for my degree, absolutely sick of working a shitty job, and it was absolutely fantastic. Such a great surprise.

As for things like flowers and chocolates we don't do stuff like that really.

We split the bills and pay half each when we go out. Similar wages.

@bluntness100 that’s a really interesting point! Although he does buy her very expensive gifts that seem way above what he could afford (although granted I don’t know the in and outs of their personal finances) but he has a “normal”ish job and splurges thousands and thousands on her. She is a very big spender and like a magpie for labels so perhaps he would be worried to let her access all of his finances freely? I really don’t know enough to judge them.

Another thing - for those who don’t have separate spends, how do you buy birthday presents? Genuinely curious.

My DH bought me a stand up paddle board today but it is really my Xmas present.

That's interesting he could have a debt problem. Or she might. And she's telling uou it's him "treating" her and not admitting it,

Either way you are in a much better position, equal spends is where it's at.

My husband and I have a joint account and separate accounts. We put a percentage of our salaries into thr joint account, as opposed to equal actual amounts, and then we buy gifts for each other out our own accounts.

We both earn well, I'm the higher earner, but at times in our life he was, hence why a percentage works. We spend roughly the same on each other for gifts, maybe a hundred pounds difference, because it's about what it is rather than cost.

@bluntness100 yes I think you’re right - you never really know what goes on with other people. I’m definitely happy the way things are your set-up sounds very similar to ours too

Given that we share finances, it's just the act of punching the pin so it's not treating really. Apart from that he has never bought me flowers, but buys clothes and jewellery quite a lot randomly. We don't give each other birthday or xmas presents though.

Apart from that he does quite a lot for me, and I for him.

DP & I don't live together, and he's substantially better off than I am, so it is a bit unequal. What tends to happen is that he will buy me stuff I need but could never afford (a replacement laptop because my old one was agonisingly bad, and I do a lot of work for him), whereas I buy him much smaller cheaper things that are a bit more personal and are more of the 'saw this & thought of you' variety. I never ask him for anything, but he buys me things to make my life easier, which I appreciate more than jewellery or flowers. The time he turned up with a bottle of Prosecco and a book that kept us laughing in bed for hours was quite nice too though

If we're out for work stuff, we split coffee buying duties 50/50 after I got the hump once that he always insisted on buying for me 'It's £2.30, I don't need your charity!'

very rarely but they're massive treats when he does. For example, a few years ago he bought me a good car stereo AND an ipod to go with it when I passed my test

how do you buy Birthday presents?
I just buy them! See something he might like, see if we can afford it and then buy it.

We treat each other. Dh will buy me flowers every so often, or some chocolate or whatever. If I see something while out and think oh dh will like that I’ll get it for him.

Meals out and whatever are not one treating the other in our house it comes out of joint money.

We have joint money for everyday expenses holidays etc and we each have our own personal money too to buy what we need/want.

Stuff for the kids comes out of the joint money

If someone I'm seeing treats me to their time, opens themselves up to me on different levels and makes me feel wanted then I care not for anything material. Money cannot buy you anything of real value.

Never. Don't go out on our own, haven't bought each other presents in years. He does tend to pay for meals when we go out as a family but not sure that counts as treating me?

I think there is no set rule for how it has to be. Every relationship is different and I certainly wouldn't judge the happiness based on the gifts I'm being given. But saying that my boyfriend is a very high earner and and impulse buyer. He treats me a LOT and OFTEN. And being a single parent working part time I can't reciprocate the way I'd like to. So I buy smaller, but thoughtful gifts, and he adores them in turn. He just wants to make mine and my daughters lives easier. I don't always like it, I'd like to be able to do the same for him. But I really do appreciate him wanting to do it. Even when it's just little things. Our only problem there is that I can't mention needing to buy anything or having a short month because he immediately buys it or offers to help, and sometimes I'm just venting! There are definitely some women who enjoy being showered with gifts and think nothing of doing the same. Personally I think your relationship sounds lovely, don't let her get to you.

I agree no set rule as long as both are happy.

I think if people are married or living together, and one is a much higher earner than the other, but doesn't share, they simply treat the other person as and when they chose, but they maintain control of "their" money, and the other lives "poorer" and has to show gratitude and wait for hand outs in the way of gifts, then there is inequality there.

The ops friends may be in a different boat, if this guy isn't a high earner, and is buying her thousands of pounds worth of gifts, then it could be he has a significant debt problem, or she does, she's buying it for herself and saying it's a gift from him, because she knows the op would immediately know there is a debt problem if she did say she wasn't buying it.

Sometimes people want to portray their lives in the most positive light, and trying to make thr op feel bad about her husband not buying her expensive gifts would indicate to me this woman has a hidden story and is trying to make herself feeling better by making the op feel bad.

It's look at me, my husband spends thousands on me, yours doesn't on you, poor you, don't you wish you were me?

When in reality it's either "my husband doesn't share money, I'm skint, and I have to wait for him to decide to buy me something, I don't get to decide" or " I've got significant debt and I don't want you to know that, I feel shit and want to make you feel shit because I'm jealous you earn more and don't have debt problems".

All our money is joint and goes towards paying things off and saving for holidays. That said, it would be nice if he thought to buy something thoughtful every now and again, even just a chocolate bar!

My exSIL was seriously odd, on rare occasions we went out for a family meal, her and her husband would write each other cheques if one paid the whole of their part of the bill! Very strange!

I think her relationship is weirder. I would feel so guilty if I got my partner a token present and he splashed out on me for Christmas. If I couldn't afford it I would say that and suggest a spending limit so he doesn't go overboard. Couldn't accept a ton of presents and give my partner only one.

We just split things too, like sometimes he pays for meals and then I pay the next time. Same for cinema or days out.

OH buys me a bar of chocolate wherever he goes to the shops

Me and dh earn roughly the same. We each pay in 50/50 to a joint account to cover bills / food / joint savings etc then whatever is left in our own accounts is ours.
He has more left than me as I have 2 teen dc from previous marriage and they cost me a bomb on the usual stuff. So he pays for holidays for us all, treats for me etc. I tend to get flowers whenever he pops out to the shops on his own and he keeps me in nice perfume and make up that he knows I can't justify spending on myself.
We probably spend the same on each other at Xmas but he prob spends more on me on my birthday.
He is very generous and always offers to help with stuff for my teens but I'm quite stubborn at paying for my kids stuff myself. Meals out will wither come out of his account or the joint account.

I have a friend who is a SAHM. Her husband works and he gives her cash. She can view the accounts but doesn't have any card because, her words, 'spends everything and can't be trusted'.

Shudder! I couldn't live like that and would have thought she would control herself so she has equal access and opportunity.

We don't treat each other, we buy what we need, we don't even do Christmas and Birthdays, it all seems a bit pointless. Of course we do nice things for each other but it's random and costs time rather than money.

We share everything jointly and take it in turns to buy meals. If I want a treat I buy it myself!