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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So difficult - dealing with cheating wife who refuses to confess...

44 replies

livininlondon · 08/08/2018 21:21

I have found out (and suspected for many months) that my wife has been/still is(?) messing around. I eventually (and I hated doing it) got access to her phone which proved she was and it was more prolific than I thought. We have two children (early teens) and I don't want to put them through bad times at an already hectic time in their lives. What really kills me is that after initially denying anything although I said I had proof she straight away confessed to one event after I showed 'proof'. After bringing up another 'event' I was aware of (the initial concern and much more hurtful than the subsequent other cheat) she continued to deny anything even though I have described what I 'know about' but at this point haven't 'proved it' to her. For me, her 'coming clean' before I have to prove something means a lot! Anyway, (we have been married for 15 years) she continues to try and move on without dealing with this. I really don't know what to do and (with the kids as my main concern) am finding this increasingly difficult to move on with. I would really appreciate any feedback, I am really lost by all this. Please feel free to ask questions (within reason) which might help... I feel the longer this goes on without her coming clean I will have no option than to break up and hurt my kids. Please help - this has to be the best online forum!

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/08/2018 21:30

What you're describing is the cheaters script.

A - deny deny deny
B - when confronted with proof only admit to what's proven
C - keep denying
D - justify (Blame spouse)
E - rewrite history (I've been unhappy for years)

What does 'move on' mean? Because if you're talking about staying together the only way that's gonna work is if she comes clean, cuts contact with om (other man), agrees to let you have regular without warning access to her phone, emails etc so you can reassure yourself she's not still cheating. Also counselling. If she's not willing to do all that, the relationship won't work anyway, there'll be tension in the home which is no good for the kids either.

She's responsible for the effect on the family not you, she's the one who cheated.

MrsBertBibby · 08/08/2018 21:34

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twilightsaga · 08/08/2018 21:37

Why does he sound unhinged because he wants his wife to be honest?!

OP, it sounds like she doesn't really care much for you or your marriage. This is a big deal and she won't even acknowledge it. You need to either accept her lies and dishonesty and the affair that may well continue or leave.

RavenLG · 08/08/2018 21:46

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Dadaist · 08/08/2018 21:58

MrsBertBibby - crawl back under your rock.

OP - I think you should focus fully on the gaslighting and deceit she has already shown you - she should be contrite. If she isn’t then tell her it’s enough to break up your marriage - and she needs to take responsibility for the irreparable damage she has already done.

Dadaist · 08/08/2018 22:00

Perhaps if you could elaborate a little on what you’ve already proved and her reaction?

Jupiter9 · 08/08/2018 22:33

I'm sorry to here your story, i think it's going to be hard to trust her again. Good luck.

sunsunsunsunsun · 08/08/2018 22:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

numptynuts · 08/08/2018 22:54

End the marriage OP. Does she even show any remorse?

c3pu · 08/08/2018 23:03

Ltb!!!

She isn't interested in the relationship, only in having her cake and eating it.

chickenloverwoman · 08/08/2018 23:31

MrsBertBibby is NOT a troll. She's a well respected poster who knows what she's on about. Listen to her

HollyGibney · 08/08/2018 23:38

What are the "events"? I only ask as I had an ex that thundered on and on about my "cheating", based on me exchanging perfectly blameless emails with an old male friend and ex work colleague, and me having "met up with an ex boyfriend for a drink" at what was actually a huge reunion of about thirty people from my old friendship group.

HollyGibney · 08/08/2018 23:40

There was a lot of "if you'd just admit it we could move on" from him too...

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 09/08/2018 06:04

Oh holly thats right it must be totally and utterly the mans fault, the events are probably innocent emails to collugues because a woman would NEVER, cheat would she? No no no.

Bloody hell if a woman came on and wrote this post about her husband would you be asking whaf the events were would you be sharing your experience of your boyfriend being paronoid? But cos its a man, oh of course, anything he says it must be the same as your situation.

bert i'll say the same to you, if this was written by a woman, would you call her "unhinged"? But cos its a male who wanys to some how carry on.after an affair, he just wants to know what hes dealling with, oh hes unhinged.

chicken listed to bert, she hasnt given any advice to listen to just Called some one unhinged

Anyway OP, I suspect the reason your being called what bert called you is because you seem to think that if she tells you you can save your marriage. And maybe you will, but of she doesng love you, then honestly, im not sure theres anything left to save. You probaly need to accept that, yes its going to be bery psinful. But shes already checked out of the marriage.

sunsunsunsunsun · 09/08/2018 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyGibney · 09/08/2018 07:02

Oh holly thats right it must be totally and utterly the mans fault, the events are probably innocent emails to collugues because a woman would NEVER, cheat would she? No no no.

That's not what I said, clearly Hmm and we don't know as yet because the OP hasn't actually explained what the "events" are, just claimed his wife has cheated. There's really not much information to go on so I asked for more as suggested by the OP...

Please feel free to ask questions (within reason) that might help

I'd ask exactly the same if a woman posted claiming extensive cheating but with no actual detail of what the cheating entailed; not jump straight to telling them to immediately leave their marriage or advising OP of some Cheats Charter that they ALL do, I know they often do but personally I prefer to know more in order to give, you know, actual informed advice. All the advice given so far may well be suitable but it may not be, given that we don't actually know what happened.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 09/08/2018 07:09

I agree with Holly too.

Without details of what the DW has done (both confirmed and suspected) then it’s very hard to offer balanced advice.

I too have had experience of a partner who considered it cheating when I went for lunch with a work colleague who happened to be male (when I was his mentor and he was seeking counsel on a big forthcoming promotion so we didn’t want to have a lengthy conversation in the office). My partner had evidence of our lunch (my colleague texted me to thank me) and insisted that there had to be more (there really wasn’t).

FWIW, the reason for querying the OP isn’t the fact he’s male, it’s the lack of detail he provides. (Although I do think that the kind of possessive behaviour that I and others on this thread have experienced is more often exhibited by men than women, as evidenced by the statistics on stalking; NAMALT, of course.)

GeorgeIII · 09/08/2018 07:18

In your shoes OP I would speak to a solicitor to find out what the future might be if you split. Then you can set things up over time for the best outcome for yourself if the worst happens. If the future is planned rather than a scary unknown you can deal with the present more calmly.

sadiesnakes · 09/08/2018 07:43

Bert isn't a Troll, she's a regular mumsnetter. But I agree with pp, op doesn't sound unhinged at all, there's no moving forward with anything in a relationship unless there's complete honesty.
But Op in your position after your wife has repeatedly lied to you, you will NEVER trust her again, no matter how hard you want to.
Your wife has ruined your marriage and you need to move on, for you and your kids sakes.

MrsBertBibby · 09/08/2018 08:11

I'm not a troll, I'm a family solicitor, and the OP is full of alarm bells. Not least the "eventually" gaining access to her phone (how?) Despite "hating doing it" and the coy "events" which could be anything.

And the clear assertion that he knows "The truth" but she must "confess" in a fashion dictated by the OP. And the frankly bizarre claim that if she would only admit to infidelity, the marriage would be healed, but if she won't, he's off. That's really not how this stuff works, is it?

The overwhelming impression I get of the OP is of someone with serious control issues. I have no idea what the wife here has done, but even if she has in fact cheated, he doesn't get to script what she does.

OP, you think she has cheated and you don't trust her. By all means, try marriage counselling to see if there's a way forward, but stop snooping her phone, and stop trying to make her say what you think she should say. She doesn't have to "confess". You're not entitled to make her do so. You're perfectly entitled to call time on the marriage, of course. Even if you're wrong about what she has been up to, if you don't trust her, that may be it.

Changedname3456 · 09/08/2018 08:21

MrsBB, you may think this post is full of alarm bells, but I’ve never seen you question a female OP on these sorts of matters in the same way.

There’s probably at least three new posts a day where the female op has obtained her partner’s phone - we’re generally not told “how” but I can’t remember an occasion where you (or anyone else) questioned either their technique or motives for obtaining it.

There are also plenty of posts where the female OP wants closure and/or some sort of admittance of the truth from her partner. Generally she’s told not to bother as it won’t help, but I can’t remember any of them being described as controlling for wanting it.

Be sceptical by all means, but make an allowance for the OP likely being in shock, faced with evidence that his relationship is over but not yet having reached the point of acceptance. Just as you normally do for “unhinged” female OPs.

Mum1g2b · 09/08/2018 08:25

OP from reading your post it sounds like you have evidence and admission of 2 instances of cheating already, regardless of what the other ‘events’ are or aren’t. If this is the case, whilst I understand you want your wife to admit anything else, it’s highly unlikely she will given her behaviour so far. But I know this can eat you up as you have a need to know everything. Try to focus on what you know based on proof and what she’s admitted and ask yourself if you could forgive her and move on. Could you honestly be happy with a person who has treated you badly. Could you ever trust her again. Be honest with yourself and it’s not your failure if you can’t. She will also need to convince you that she’s going to give up the other person/people and you have to face facts that given her current deceit that might not happen.

HollyGibney · 09/08/2018 08:26

I have to say I have never seen a post regarding cheating where the OP, Male or Female didn't say what the cheating actually entailed. Bert is not the only one who heard alarm bells at the assertions of cheating and the need for confession but with no actual detail given. Hopefully the OP will come back to clarify.

NynaeveSedai · 09/08/2018 08:26

MrsBertBibby is NOT a troll. She's a well respected poster who knows what she's on about. Listen to her

No because she's way off the mark here.

The only way to move on from cheating (as accepted by relationship counsellors, psychologists and mumsnet in general) is for the cheating partner to take full responsibility, offer full transparency and make reparations.

The OP's partner is following the cheater's script to the letter and of course the OP can't move on. Wanting to know what actually happened doesn't make him controlling.

Being cheated on is crazy making and you do do things you wouldn't normally. I installed a key logger on my laptop! Absolutely insane, but provided the evidence that my ex refused to give.

The advice usually given to a woman who suspects her male partner is cheating is very different to this.

MrsBertBibby · 09/08/2018 08:42

she's way off the mark here.

What, I am mistaken about the impression the OP gives me?

How on earth do you know my opinion better than I do?

It isn't the wanting to know that suggests control issues. It's using the threat of leaving /promise of staying to try to extract a confession.

I'm sure it's quite right that infidelity has to be owned for a marriage to have a chance, but that doesn't make forcing or manipulating a confession is acceptable.

I can’t remember an occasion where you (or anyone else) questioned either their technique or motives for obtaining it.

I don't believe I've commented on such an issue at all before. I've repeatedly advised against the usual mumsnet lore of rifling and copying financial documents, because privacy issues subsist between married couples as between colleagues or friends.