So difficult - dealing with cheating wife who refuses to confess...

[livininlondon]

I have found out (and suspected for many months) that my wife has been/still is(?) messing around. I eventually (and I hated doing it) got access to her phone which proved she was and it was more prolific than I thought. We have two children (early teens) and I don't want to put them through bad times at an already hectic time in their lives. What really kills me is that after initially denying anything although I said I had proof she straight away confessed to one event after I showed 'proof'. After bringing up another 'event' I was aware of (the initial concern and much more hurtful than the subsequent other cheat) she continued to deny anything even though I have described what I 'know about' but at this point haven't 'proved it' to her. For me, her 'coming clean' before I have to prove something means a lot! Anyway, (we have been married for 15 years) she continues to try and move on without dealing with this. I really don't know what to do and (with the kids as my main concern) am finding this increasingly difficult to move on with. I would really appreciate any feedback, I am really lost by all this. Please feel free to ask questions (within reason) which might help... I feel the longer this goes on without her coming clean I will have no option than to break up and hurt my kids. Please help - this has to be the best online forum!

I’m with MrsBert on this. Something makes me very uncomfortable about the OP’s post. Maybe just the way he has worded it, maybe not...

OK - I’ll spell it out for you Mrs Bertbibby

“So if she would only "confess" you could save your marriage? Mmmkay.

This is deliberately misinterpreting what OP said and mocking him (nice!) A false assumption of his reasoning that ‘confession saves marriage’ - that you put there. He said she seems to want to move on without full disclosure - and that’s not possible is it?

It also sounds like there has been quite some gaslighting - telling someone they are paranoid,controlling etc when in fact they are being lied to by the person they should be able to trust most in the world. It must’ve a horrible and desperate emotional turmoil and your response ...

“You sound a bit unhinged, tbh.” - wow - just wow! Utterly lacking empathy does not offer support - so perhaps stick to legal practical advice if I were you. Emotionally you are way off the mark.

If OP does have morbid jealously issues then he might be able to share them and see that. Your special spidey sense red flag detector is just seeking to justify your previous insensitivity. I’ve asked OP to elaborate before offering more and made no pre-judgement or assumption.

And yes - a woman would be assumed to have a right to know the truth if they are being deceived.

It also sounds like there has been quite some gaslighting - telling someone they are paranoid,controlling etc when in fact they are being lied to by the person they should be able to trust most in the world. It must’ve a horrible and desperate emotional turmoil and your response ...

Nowhere does it say anything like that in the OP. You are projecting. It says his wife is denying the accusations but we don't even know what they are!

Thanks all (mostly) for your comments. There seems to be cause for concern from some as to whether I might be a controlling husband seeing things which aren't there. I'm not, we've always had a very trusting relationship and we both give each other plenty of personal space. I did say however she HAD eventually confessed to a 'one night stand' after I showed her message threads inc. pics (from her laptop) with other man so she has cheated, I suspect it was more due to other uncommon hotel stays in town (at short notice) during the same period and contents of said messages. I also found semi-naked pics of her in a folder with full-on nude pics of some other guy which I suspect were online pic swapping. The other incident I was initially concerned about is with someone we both know who (to cut a long story short) fancies her, turned up at our house while the kids and I were abroad and I been told (by neighbouring friends) was there late at night and first thing in the morn (car there all night) but wife says he left and came back (for breakfast). There's loads of other weird stuff that happened this night which just makes the whole thing seem so dodgy. There's also other (late night) calls and meet ups in town etc - all denied of course. But do I have 100% proof they f**ked around and am I 100% sure they did? No. But if nothing happened why all the lies and denials of meet ups, the changing stories and his sudden disappearance from her public social networking portals. To be clear, this has all happened over a few months when maybe our relationship was going through a tough time. I know what I know and that won't change now and (for the kids sake) I'd like to think I can do my best to move on (everyone makes mistakes) BUT she has to show remorse and be honest otherwise it seems almost impossible to trust or love her again. I think whether the cheater is a man or a women the same rules apply. I wasn't so much looking for an absolute answer from this thread, just third party (who don't know us) thoughts. Thanks again for listening :)

Short on time Holly - I only meant to give example of what I meant by ‘gaslighting’ and speculating that this would be crazy making for OP - not suggesting he’d said it anywhere. Just to have a thought as to the potential turmoil.

X post - sorry OP - so she has already confessed to sleeping with another man! And you need more proof of what exactly? The rest sounds totally dodgy also - and you can’t possible sweep all that under any sized carpet. Don’t want to read and run but I’m sure this info will help other posters provide some outside perspective. Good luck OP!

Sounds like the tip of the iceberg to be honest. The thing is, people who cheat often manage to justify it as "not THAT bad" and often have no intention of leaving the marriage. So these things she's done/doing, to her aren't THAT bad and she certainly doesn't want to leave your marriage (or he probably isn't up for that!) so she will deny deny deny and you'll never get the truth. It's up to you if you can live with that but this won't be the last time she does it, these things become habitual and addictive very quickly. She's not going to show remorse because she isn't remorseful, she's still caught up in it. The only thing you can do is leave and hope the shock of that might bring her to her senses but it's unlikely.

If she isn't going to be honest with you, how can she even be sorry? I would leave if I were you

Agreed she won't be remorseful and neither will she be totally honest. I doubt any cheaters would be. There will be a reason why shes done this though. The simple answer is she know longer loves you though there could be many other possibilities. Do you really want to live with that?

*no

Yes, so would I

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

Op your DW has had some other blokes cock in her, possibly often and possibly more than one bloke. Why on earth do you want to stay with her?

If she gets text messages, will you be wondering who they are from? If she goes out late, will you be wondering who she is with??? If the answer is YES, cut and run.

Hi OP
I think you are wondering whether you have enough to call time on your marriage. From what you’ve described you already have that - and enough to trust nothing she says. In the circumstances she must know exactly how the the other events you describe would look. If she’s not faking over to prove you wrong after admitting serious infidelity - then you have your answer.

Unfortunately it sounds as though you have probably been desperate not to end your marriage and forgiven far too quickly in the hope of moving on. In doing so she will have lost (more) respect for you. You need to plan for separation - because even if you were to stand any chance of overcoming all this - it would have to come from making divorce a real and likely outcome. But do you honestly think she loves you?

Your gut knows best.

And it's right. Listen to it.

Don't let your head or your heart over rule it.

You already know the answer. Don't seek validation from others.

As much as you don't want to, she's treating you like a doormat.

Let her be with the other person.

Her wooden spoon prize is the affair partner. Who she barely knows.

Be better on your own with your kids

I’m sorry for your situation OP. It is fucking painful to be cheated on and the denial until absolute proof is presented just compounds it.

It’s very hard to know what to do when there are kids involved.

I don’t know what is the matter with people who shit all over their own family until it’s destroyed. It’s just so sad for everyone.

It is hard with children involved.

But long story short, your wife / spouse is a complete slapper. Like mine is.

Re-read your own posts. It's obvious she doesn't give a toss about you, marriage or family.

Act accordingly.

And I'll say now she's only entitled to 50% of what was gained during marriage. Nothing before or after date of seperation.

Don't go running to lawyers straight away. They only want your money.

But you need to seperate and find your own sanity.

You need an action plan in place. To do that enlist a friend to help point out what you now need to do. He/she is emotionally disconnected and will help guide you through it. Your brain will be mush. You'll need the clarity friends can bring.

Good luck