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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws reaction to emotional affair

34 replies

Chessergal · 08/08/2018 18:38

Hi all. I would value perspectives on my in laws reaction to my husbands emotional affaor, which I found out about circa 2 months ago. I know my stance on them is overly angry, but I dont know how unreasonable it is...hence posting for opinions.

I found out about his emotional affair with work colleague 2 months ago and asked him to leave. He moved in with his parents and came back home a shirt while later as we have young kids and wanted to parent together whilst I tried to understand what had happened.

We live 5 mins away from his family. We are reasonably close and see them every 2 weeks or so. They are not overly involved with their grand kids but retired recently, so theyre enjoying their own time and have raised their own kids.

My in laws havent contacted me at all in the last 2 months. Nothing.

My husband said he told them everything and has taken accountability for it all. Despite turning out to be pinocchio, I believe that he has told them (and actually would have preferred they didn't know). However, they do know and they still havent been in touch to offer any support.

I feel rejected and as if they dont like me and dont support our marriage. Im raging about it, amongst many other things still raging about!!!

How unreasonable am I being? Happy to fill in any blanks people ask. As Im generally all over the place at the moment, this is one aspect of the nightmare I think others can provide perspective on and would appreciate it!

OP posts:
Smellyrose · 08/08/2018 18:39

They’re probably keeping out of it. Giving you both some space and not taking sides.

bastardkitty · 08/08/2018 18:40

If he has told them, and it's a big if, hecwipl have told them that it's all your fault that he did it and they will be angry with yiu for breaking up the family.

bastardkitty · 08/08/2018 18:40

*he will have told them

Aridane · 08/08/2018 18:41

Agree with smelly

RachelAnneJ · 08/08/2018 18:44

I think many parents would choose to keep out of it.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/08/2018 18:45

There are a few options. He told them but said you weren't affectionate or getting on so it's your fault. They are embarrassed that their son has done this and broken up the family home. They don't think emotional affairs are a "thing" and that you've overreacted. Or they are giving you both some space. Impossible to know!

TheAntiBoop · 08/08/2018 18:45

I think you are projecting your anger on to them

And agree that you need to speak with them as you currently have no idea what he's told them

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this

Racecardriver · 08/08/2018 18:47

MYbe they don't believe that emotional affairs are a thing? A lot of people don't see that as infidelity.

noego · 08/08/2018 18:47

Classic. He'll be making out he's and angel and the reason he strayed is all your fault.
DO NOT blame yourself. He's a grown up and if he was having doubts about your relationship he should have put his big boy pants on and had a conversation with you about it.
He's undermining you with the colleague and probably doing the same with his parents.
It's shit, but you have to take the higher ground here.
I really hope that his parents aren't taking sides and that he isn't undermining you with them but IME that's what will be happening.

bastardkitty · 08/08/2018 18:49

Or he's told them that you've got your knickers in a twist and kicked him out 'just' because he had a friend and you're a jealous loon.

ReservoirDogs · 08/08/2018 19:00

They presumably have offered support to him as they are his parents not yours and would assume you'd seek support from your own friends and family.

Original poster
Chessergal · 08/08/2018 19:32

Thanks, all fair responses.

They have been offering him a huge amount of support - natural given they are his parents. However, we have been together for 11 years and I expected them to support the marriage, as well as their son.

I think if they didnt want to get involved, they wouldn't be in constant contact with him. It feels very hurtful - I completely take the point that I am projected my anger on them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2018 19:36

As he’s moved backed in do they think you’re back together and therefore keeping out of it hoping it’ll all wash over?

If you’d split up they’d still probably have supported their son, but if you haven’t they might be embarrassed to know about any of it.

Stripeyzigzag · 08/08/2018 19:38

My in laws first of all blamed me as he told them it was my fault
Now they are keeping out of it saying they don’t want to take sides

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 08/08/2018 19:43

Agree that they're his parents not yours. Would you expect your parents to be contacting him to offer 'support' if it was you would had an emotional affair?

mimibunz · 08/08/2018 19:48

I think you are being very unfair to your PIL. You have your own parents for support.

PenelopeShitStop · 08/08/2018 20:00

In their shoes I would want to keep a respectful distance and would only offer advice or opinions if you directly asked me for them. Ultimately, this is a private issue for you and your DH and there really isn't a need for your in-laws to be involved.

Original poster
Chessergal · 08/08/2018 23:27

Thanks for the messages.

I suppose my family have offered suport for our marriage. I dont share the same detail with them, but they have been in touch with him to offer support for the marriage if you see what I mean eg I dont want to get involved but I hope you work things out. They have been supporting me separately.

Penelope - I think I agree with you, but I didnt involve them. He did / they involved themselves. I'm not sure which.

After so many years of happy marriage, or so I believed, Im hurt that people I saw as family have cut me off. I sort of understand it, but dont at the same time as I havent done anything wrong. I didnt cheat, lie or treat my husband as anything other than the man I love. I know, contradictory, hence asking for views. All are helpful, especially if it means I can see another perspective and be less angry at one single thing at this point.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 09/08/2018 08:00

You are projecting.

TheAntiBoop · 09/08/2018 08:53

Have you tried reaching out to them?

Relationships can falter when people assume. You are doing a lot of assuming here and it is likely they are too. Speak with them and you may find things aren't as negative as you think they are

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/08/2018 09:39

I split with exh a year ago. I haven't heard from my in-laws since. I knew them over half my life time. I met dh when I was 18.

But to be honest, I get it. My parents are much more involved in the kids lives and they have had to try and remain fairly neutral. They know what exh did to me. Tbh, it's caused problems between me and my parents. I feel they are overly nice to him. They feel stuck in the middle.

I am ok with exhs parents staying away. Yes, I thought of them as family. But I always knew that when it came down to it they would be support for him. They were part of my family because I married exh. Now we are apart they aren't my family. They are the kids family and exhs family.

Your in-laws may not know what to do for the best. They may be aware you would have preferred them not to know. They may feel awkward or embarssed by their son. They may have a different view of emotional affairs, to you. They may not feel that their son behaved appallingly but also know he needs support. They may think you don't want to hear from them and waiting for you to reach out to them.

You can't be angry at their reaction. The person you are angry at is your husband. Don't push it onto them.

Anon90 · 09/08/2018 13:34

My exs mum thinks im the devil incarnate based on my exs court applications (that she paid for). Hes since admitted he simply copied my own work from when i helped someone with applications and statements.

I dont care i just laugh at her. She spent a bunch of money on lies.

cakecakecheese · 09/08/2018 13:41

I'm not sure what you want them to do really? Disown him?I know some people do that but most people will support their own child even if they're the wrongdoer.

Perhaps they feel awkward/don't know what to do/say? Or are waiting for you to ask them to do whatever it is you want them to do.

Are you ok? It seems like your thoughts might be a little all over the place, which is understandable really.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 14:00

Your in-laws may not know what to do for the best. They may be aware you would have preferred them not to know. They may feel awkward or embarssed by their son. They may have a different view of emotional affairs, to you. They may not feel that their son behaved appallingly but also know he needs support. They may think you don't want to hear from them and waiting for you to reach out to them.

Or they may just be twats who support their regardless of what he does. This is just as possible as all the other scenarios you posted.

My in laws first of all blamed me as he told them it was my fault
Now they are keeping out of it saying they don’t want to take sides

stripey typical. Once they knew it was his fault, then they decide BT to get involved.

dreaming174 · 09/08/2018 14:10

I would be hurt too. They're his parents, but I'm 11 years surely you've built your own relationship. I would've wanted them to at least reach out.

This may only be resolved by you gently saying 'why haven't you been in touch?"