Hi All.
I am a guy and not a parent...so why am I here? Well, everytime I google my problem and see what people say, Mumsnet always comes up. I hope you can help because I'm going out of my mind.
Apologies if this (likely) turns into an essay....it's a little complicated so it's difficult to condense. Bear with me if you will.
Background:
I am a early 30s male, just passed my one year anniversary with my wife. Been together nearly five years in total. We met online. Have lived together for 4 years. Currently house hunting for our first home (no idea why this is relevant - like I said, bear with me...!).
I work in HR for a global company. I am one of the few men in the office.
SITUATION:
There are two issues at play here but they are obviously connected.
- My wife and I have been through some tough times over the last few years. Namely, the physical attraction for each other has dwindled. This was happening before we got married and we did address it and just kept saying that we will try more with each other and focus more attention on one another etc. My wife was mainly concerned - I agreed it was happening but was sure it would right itself eventually.
The problem still exists today. She works for the NHS so she's knackered at the end of a night and we both just sit on the sofa with our phones and watch crap TV and go to bed. There are other issues at play here but fundamentally, we have had sex maybe twice this year. TWICE. She is in her late 20s, me early 30s. This is not right.
Ironically, we are both happy. Though just not clearly fulfilled. I love my wife very much and she loves me. We are best friends and probably too close actually if that makes any sense. We both have very high sex drives, but i am worried that i just don't find her attractive anymore and vice versa. She's said as much to me the odd time. We've had the chat about 'how long do we give it', 'i don't want to waste my life/sexually prime years' etc. But we always make up and we always go back to being affectionate and...'happy'. Though it still lingers.
- CO-WORKER.
Shit.
I work with mainly women as mentioned. My wife has never worked in an office environment so doesn't understand the dynamic. Probably not relevant. I exclusively hang out with two girls. Or did. One of them has left recently. She was like my sister, we were/are very close but genuinely no attraction there, purely platonic and a very good friend. We were a trio - another girl who I have known since I joined (3.5 years). I have always fancied her. She is a very attractive, intelligent girl. We have always flirted. She has a boyfriend of 2 years. We exchange a lot of innuendo and sometimes openly discuss sexual acts (in general not with each other). We have a lot in common. She is an introvert and NOT a touchy feely person at all.
HOWEVER, on nights out over the last couple of years, we have 'held hands' at points. I say that in punctuation marks because it is actually just interlocking little fingers. E.g. last week in a taxi on the way home we just interlocked little fingers in the back of a taxi. She sometimes brushes against me (not ina sexual way). When we are out for lunch in town looking in shops we always get close when we are looking at something on a shelf, we get so close to each other that we can smelt each others perfume/aftershave sometimes. Not SO close as in people would look at us thinking that's too close but just close, you know?
Anyway. initially i thought this was just lust. This was filling the gap that is there in my marriage. But as I said, I literally see her every day. We sit at opposite ends of the office but have our customary 9am coffee break in the kitchen, go for lunch in the canteen and go for a walk EVERY DAY. just us. Then at home time we are usually the last in the office and walk out together and natter outside our cars. I sometimes purposefully pretend like I have work to do so I can leave with her and spend an extra 30 seconds with her.
I am ashamed of myself. I am not ashamed of finding someone else attractive, because we are human. But I am essentially emotionally cheating on my wife. Nothing has ever happened between us (in terms of other than hand holding - not that makes this any better), nor have we openly said we fancy each other. Essentially, I fear that I am in love with her or going that way, and that the lust i thought it was is actually something deeper. I think about her not just sexually but being with her in a relationship. I really like her.
My wife is an incredible woman. She is also attractive, intelligent and we do make each other happy to an extent. I jsut can't help think - we only live once. What if I am (actually BOTH of us) wasting our young lives when there could be something better?
I have no idea for sure if this coworker feels the same BUT I am certain there is something there. I know people can be nice and sometimes men can take that to mean something more, but I am SURE of it. The holding 'fingers' says enough.
I feel ill. I can't sleep. I can't eat because I have no idea what to do and I can't talk to anyone. I spoke to a counsellor yesterday and it didn't really help because it's up to me to decide.
I can't change jobs - you'll say I can, but I can;t (i wont explain any more but just trust me right now). She isnt going anywhere either i don't think. The thing is, I don't want to stop hanging out with her, I don't want the way we are to change. In truth, I do think about things progressing and at times I do want it to happen.
Do I tell this coworker? Do I shut it down? I don't want to do the latter. If this was a temporary infatuation i'd let it blow over, but in reality is has been 3 years building and it's not going anywhere. How do I know this coworker isn't the one I should be with?
As mentioned, I'm not proud of how I have acted. I just really need some help :(
P.S Sorry for any typos/grammar - just need to write this all out and get it down.