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Original poster

Different views to partner - how would you/do you manage this

39 replies

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 08/08/2018 15:13

Hi MN, was hoping you could help with a dilemma that's driving me nuts. I could be overthinking this and would appreciate some sound advice from you all!

I've been with DP for several years and he's wonderful. He's so funny, kind, supportive, works incredibly hard and we have had a fantastic time. We've a lovely home and we're very happy He is everything you'd hope a dad-to-be would be and we hope to start a family soon.

I have one niggle about him though. We don't share views on a lot of things.We voted for different political parties. This has actually been okay most of the time but occasionally causes a tiff. But there's more. He's not English (I am) and he can be really rude about things like English football, even though his team didn't make it to the world cup this year. He'd refuse to go near a match, let alone be happy for us. I watched every single one of his country's matches in another competition with him (England were still playing) so this lack of reciprocation bugs me.

He also HATES the royal family - I like them and he relishes any opportunity to tell me how awful they are (I wouldn't dare do this to something he hates, I can't deal with him whining.) I still haven't watched M+H's wedding; he wouldn't let me and he made plans for us all day.

My question is have any of you been in this position and worked through it? Or is it just never going to work and will continue to rear its ugly head when we start a family? We could have some pretty confused children if we do...It also seems such a trivial thing to throw a great relationship away over!

Thanks so much in advance,
A very confused MNer

OP posts:
MarchingOrders · 08/08/2018 15:15

He doesn't value your opinion. It's bloody rude, having a child means compromise and it's a huge thing. He may not back you up because his opinion trumps all. It will become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on.
Have you spoke to him about it?

Thebluedog · 08/08/2018 15:18

I’m all for having different opinions, actually it can make for interesting discussions. However it doesn’t sound like your dh either values your opinions or has the emotional intellect to cope with differing opinions.

Tablefor4 · 08/08/2018 15:32

My DH hates the royal family too - but he didn't stop me watching the wedding because we are equals and neither of us stop the other from doing something. Something to ponder...

MMmomDD · 08/08/2018 15:35

OP - to start with - you seem to be talking about having children with someone - but not mentioning any wedding plans.
If he is a great father-to-be - than surely giving his future children - and you as well - security that marriage is meant to provide - is part of it. And is a lot more important than his views on royal family.
(Unless you are wealthy and won’t be the primal caregiver to the child, which inevitably does mean the woman sacrifices on the career front, which is why protection of marriage is important)

Things that worry me about the bits that you did mention. While the actual disagreements - sports, voting, royals - are (for me) not as important - but the way he seems to deal with them is. He appears to try to force his way on you in an indirect way - and it seems manipulative.
And you seem to be going along with it. (If you wanted to watch that wedding - you should have just stayed home and watched it, not gone along to what he planned)

Having kids - will bring so many more choices and decisions - and you need to be more sure you are on the same page about at least the main ones that are important to both of you.

noego · 08/08/2018 15:38

It's one thing to have opinions and another to force those opinions on someone else to the detriment of their well being. Tread carefully on those eggshells, you are being abused.

xpc316e · 08/08/2018 15:38

It would be a very dull world if we all had partners who exactly mirrored our views. There is no problem living with someone who does not see eye to eye with you as long as they respect your point of view, and it sounds to me as though your DP has no regard whatsoever for your view, or your right to have it. He sounds like a toddler who has to have everything go his way.

Mansplanation · 08/08/2018 15:39

Your problem isnt that you have different opinions, it's that he thinks his are more important.

Stop facilitating. The fact you don't feel able to disagree with him because of his reaction is worrying.

DH and I don't agree on a lot of things. The difference is he would NEVER belittle my opinion or be disrespectful in the way he spoke to me about something I liked, that's manners.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2018 15:42

You wanted to watch the wedding, he knew that but made other plans involving you. without consulting you?

What would have happened if you had said “No, i’m not doing that- I want to watch the wedding”?

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 15:45

I'd be more worried that he wouldn't 'let' you watch something you wanted to, and that you went along with it. Different views are fine, controlling you in this way isn't.

Jayfee · 08/08/2018 15:48

Whether it is his culture or personality, he seems to think he is more important than you. You need to sort this out before having children imo.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/08/2018 15:57

It's not so much that you have differing opinions it's more to do with him not respecting your opinions .

My ex was like this. His opinions mattered more than mine, he was right and I was wrong. He was completely unsupportive of anything he didn't agree with and had a knack of making me feel like my views and opinions were a bit silly. It eroded my self esteem.

TeacupTattoo · 08/08/2018 16:05

Never have it that a partner doesn't "let" you do something. Ever. And actually political views are important to discuss before children...if he's a republican and you aren't it needs talking about.

dobbob · 08/08/2018 16:12

We have different views on things, it makes us work well, I think. However, we discuss our views, either come to an agreement or compromise.
Your partner is just showing a complete lack of respect. He clearly does not value your views or opinions. This will only get worse when it comes to decisions on parenting.

(My DH hates the royal family, but watched the wedding with me while I blubbed. I also watched England play, even though I despise football)

Original poster
GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 08/08/2018 16:14

Thank you all for your replies, you’re all wonderful Flowers You’ve all said the things I knew deep down and I needed to hear it.

I pulled him up on something really disrespectful a few weeks ago and immediately received a apology and he felt awful about how much it had upset me. So he might get it. He might not, we’ll see.

I need to be more honest and frank about things. It IS disrespectful and isn’t going to improve if I don’t nip it in the bud. Why am I such a wimp sometimes? I really should be stronger!

I think really our future depends on how he deals with me explaining that what hes been doing is disrespectful and I’d appreciate some manners being shown.

If he can’t take that then he will have to go.

Thanks once again.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 08/08/2018 16:16

And it helps hearing stories of when you can differ but respectfully! Please keep them coming!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/08/2018 16:22

I hate watching sport DH loves it, we compromise that he doesn't have it on if I'm around then when it's something he particularly wants to watch it's on -big rugby/Footie matches, cycling end of stages etc. I often will half watch with him whilst on MN. No "letting" involved just 2 adults respecting that we have different preferences!

DH doesn't drive, I get fed up being the taxi service so he cycles whenever possible and never expects a lift from me, never sulks if it stops him doing something as no other transport options.

I have a very close friend, different political opinions - we discuss and then agree they are all pretty rubbish at the moment anyway!

Maelstrop · 08/08/2018 16:27

He wouldn’t ‘let you’ watch the wedding? Fuck that, I would not be told what to do! That strikes me as very controlling.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2018 16:33

I don't believe in talking about it and seeing if they'll change, not in this sort of situation.

He's shown you who he is, hasn't he? If he thinks he's going to lose you he might well put on an act to win you back, but ultimately this is who he is. If you have children with him, you'll be very vulnerable and you'd be a fool to think he'd remain on his best behaviour then.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2018 16:36

The problem isn't his views. He is absolutely right about football and the royals. You are 100% wrong Grin The problem is that he is disrespectful, controlling and selfish. If you think he can get it, you need boundaries and to draw a line. If he can't do that IMMEDIATELY, you need to LTB.

BackforGood · 08/08/2018 16:40

I don't think liking different things, or even thinking something your partner likes s really rubbish needs to be an issue I don't think voting for different political parties needs to be a worry.
However, not respecting that you can 'agree to disagree' is an issue. The bit where you said "he wouldn't let me watch it {the royal wedding}" is the bit that should be making you really concerned. That isn't trivial at all.

As parents, particularly, there will be things that you would do differently from one another / that you hold different opinions about, and for a relationship to work, you need to know you can discuss them as adults and find a way to compromise, or 'take turns'.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2018 16:41

He is quite entitled not to watch a rival football team and to hate the royals. What he is not entitled to do is stop you watching the wedding. That is total control and a huge red flag. Beware.

QforCucumber · 08/08/2018 16:43

What would his reaction be if you had differing opinions on parenting?

Breastfeeding vs bottle?
You returning to work vs SAHM?
How to Discipline?
Pain relief during birth vs none?

Would his opinion HAVE to be the ruling one even if you felt otherwise?

MargoLovebutter · 08/08/2018 16:44

Lack of respect for someone else's views is not trivial at all in my opinion, it is one of the rocks on which a relationship is built.

It is fine to disagree about things. You like the royal family, he doesn't - that's fine. What isn't fine is for him to try to control you and prevent you from engaging in activities that you enjoy or have meaning to you because he doesn't respect your differences.

It is not good enough for him to apologise or be upset after you have pulled him up on something. That's actually really easy and doesn't require any adjustment of behaviour on his part. You need to set clear boundaries up front and he needs to respect those. If he can't show you with his behaviour that he can do that, then no amount of apologies after the event are good enough.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2018 16:46

It's all very well having different opinions, but I still haven't watched M+H's wedding; he wouldn't let me

Massive red flag!!! It's not up to him to 'let' you do anything, let alone watch what you want on telly! Be very wary.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2018 16:47

QforCucumber makes some very good points above, you really need to think about these if you're considering children.