Different views to partner - how would you/do you manage this

[GoodHeavensNoImAChicken]

Hi MN, was hoping you could help with a dilemma that's driving me nuts. I could be overthinking this and would appreciate some sound advice from you all!

I've been with DP for several years and he's wonderful. He's so funny, kind, supportive, works incredibly hard and we have had a fantastic time. We've a lovely home and we're very happy He is everything you'd hope a dad-to-be would be and we hope to start a family soon.

I have one niggle about him though. We don't share views on a lot of things.We voted for different political parties. This has actually been okay most of the time but occasionally causes a tiff. But there's more. He's not English (I am) and he can be really rude about things like English football, even though his team didn't make it to the world cup this year. He'd refuse to go near a match, let alone be happy for us. I watched every single one of his country's matches in another competition with him (England were still playing) so this lack of reciprocation bugs me.

He also HATES the royal family - I like them and he relishes any opportunity to tell me how awful they are (I wouldn't dare do this to something he hates, I can't deal with him whining.) I still haven't watched M+H's wedding; he wouldn't let me and he made plans for us all day.

My question is have any of you been in this position and worked through it? Or is it just never going to work and will continue to rear its ugly head when we start a family? We could have some pretty confused children if we do...It also seems such a trivial thing to throw a great relationship away over!

Thanks so much in advance,
A very confused MNer

I want to congratulate you for considering your future together so carefully. I get really sad reading about couples on MN in unhappy and even abusive relationships. I always want to ask “Why did you have DC with such an idiot?” but realise the boat has already sailed and my comment would be unhelpful.
Excellent advice already given by PP. My DH is a Royalist anid I am a Republican. We enjoy heated debates about this, and many other, issues but respect each other’s point of view.

He sounds like a Scottish celtic supporter

I still haven't watched M+H's wedding; he wouldn't let me and he made plans for us all day
WTAF. He wouldn't let you watch it!?
Fuck that.

DH, I'm watching the wedding so I suggest you make other plans while it's on as it will only annoy you.

Job done!
Yes you are being a wimp.
As others have said, this will get so much worse when DC come along.
He sounds controlling and abusive.
(and like an absolute twat if I'm honest)
Sorry!

Me and my DP have quite different opinions on some things, he is also from a different country. He loves Britain and the British, our traditions, history, football team etc, so luckily I don't have any problems there.

He isn't very good with lively debates about differing opinions, he tends to get fairly defensive, so we generally tend to avoid those topics, which I find a little annoying as I think you should be able to debate your views with your partner without anyone getting grumpy or taking things too personally. Belittling your partner and what they like isn't on though, and you do need to nip that in the bud.

Same here @crunched

My and dh have differing views on many things. He voted for Brexit and I voted against! Yet we have conversations and listen to each other. We rarely change each other's mind but I think we educate each other about small details. Initially we agreed on a lot of stuff politically and I have changed my views and I think our conversations are probably better, it's pretty boring to always agree with someone. I'm not sure how it works, I think we just argue using facts rather than emotions.

I'm not sure if you can work through it. What happens if you have a disagreement about something major like where to school your children, whether you should give up work, where you should live, whether you should leave work to look after a sick parent? If he isn't capable of thinking of your wishes when it comes to something trivial like watching a wedding or football match then how likely is he to really listen to your views about an important life changing issue?

It's not the different opinions that are the problem, OP, it's the fact that I suspect from what you've written that he is dismissive of your opinions, almost to the point of belittling you and making out you have no right to a different opinion.

And as others have said, what happens when it's something that matters? Will he turn into one of those blokes we occasionally see women start threads on here, the sort who says "well, we've decided not to have pain relief in pregnancy... we've decided to breast feed even though one of us has mastitis and a breast abscess... we've decided to do controlled crying..."

(I had this with my ex over music, as did one of my friends - in one case the bloke was dismissive of pop music as "just noise" compared to classical music, in the other case the bloke was dismissive of classical music as "the musical equivalent of painting by numbers". What mattered was not who was right and who was wrong - in fact I think you just like what you like on this one - what mattered was that in both cases the blokes attempted to belittle the women's views.)

He doesn't respect your right to have a different opinion to him. I love Beyonce and my boyfriend likes indie music, we listen to both, he doesn't imply my choices are shit or less good or stupid.

As you said he can't take his choices being questioned but he's happy to question you then he's not fair.

I think it is also about whether or not he can respect you and like you for holding different views..Some people might not be able to live with a Royalist as it reflects values that they can't agree with.

Does he feel he holds the right opinion or is he just anti royal? I knew someone and to him royalist was a bit like being a UKIP supporters, completely imcompatible with him. He would never really respect a woman for those views, even if not a major part of her life.

Having a difference of opinion on things isn't really an issue in itself (I'm English and I hate the royal family, have no interest in football at all in any way so I didn't care about the World Cup, and I don't give a stuff about politics and never vote at all).
It's the way your parter is dealing with it that is wrong. Disagreeing with you is fine, but he should not make you feel bad about your views nor should he stop you doing what you want to do. This would worry me a lot.

So he doesn't like English football and the royal family... are these things intimately involved in your day to day lives.

I suspect with the royal wedding you just need to find a time to watch it without him.

It's not the different opinions that matter.

It's the fact that he stops you doing things you want to do, such as the royal wedding.

He thinks you should just go along with his opinion. He doesn't respect that you have your own mind.

Thank you everyone! You’ve been extremely helpful and I appreciate the advice. I will be having words this weekend but think I’ve almost made up my mind really.

I’m not sure if someone can change their ways but I guess I’m about to find out...

Thank you again

Good luck OP