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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much time should i be spending with my children?

33 replies

notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 11:20

I have 12 year old twins, i work full time.

After a few comments from a family member where ive been told i need to spend more time with my kids i wanted to know what was normal?

I have a two week holiday booked with them fast approaching, i have a few days off work before this for packing and getting organised.
over the last few weekends i have taken my daughter for afternoon tea, hosted a family bbq, been to a few family bbqs , had pizza and film night, been camping for a weekend and hosted a birthday breakfast which the kids came too.

My son would be on his xbox 24/7 if i let him. He has been on a day out with his step dad when we went for afternoon tea and they both go to the gym with their step dad sometimes.

In the evenings after work, i do a few job, then cook tea, i rarely watch tv.

I now have mum guilt because of what my relative has said but i genuinely dot know how i could do things better.

My children do not do activities anymore as they chose not too.

The comments came about after the relative had my children overnight (which doesnt happen often) and told me the next day to get dressed and spend time with them. after a hectic few weeks we were having a pj day and were going to watch a few films. My husband had been called into work on a emergency.

I suffer from anxiety and used to have many issues with this family member trying to get me to live life in her way, since my children started senior school i dont see her as much and my symptoms have improved (she wasnt the sole cause and i am on medication now)

Also their dad hasnt seen them since mid April and gets away scott free.

OP posts:
MarchingOrders · 08/08/2018 11:23

I think you're doing fine. You have enough on your plate without stressing about judgy people. You could be the best mum in the world and still be judged - there's no winning as a mum.

CantankerousCamel · 08/08/2018 11:26

Relative sounds toxics. Ignore

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 11:31

thank you so much, i could take some of the comments she makes if there was the odd nice one too but i never get those. She doesnt see into my life. She ticks all the boxes when it comes to parenting (activities, education, discipline) but thats not all being a parent is about. She works in a school so has holidays. I love my kids and would do anything for them but i have to live in a way which is right for me. I told her how she makes me feel this morning and she denied it. How can she know how i feel from her actions. I am my own person and i will never be like her. im trying to be happy with me and like myself and she makes it so hard.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2018 11:33

Where are your twins when you're at work?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 08/08/2018 11:36

I think this sounds ok. I suspect this relative has an issue with you working full time and is trying to make you feel like shit on your free time.

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 11:42

loveyoutothemoon - at school or with my mum or friend in the school holidays when i am not off. I didnt go back to work until my children were 2 and only went back part time until they were 8 when i went full time as i split with their dad.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 08/08/2018 11:44

I think this family member sounds toxic.

Talk to your kids. What do they want? Do they want to have you around more? Can they get you in a crisis? What do you know about their lives?
Friends? Exfriends? Favourite subject? Least favourite subject? Why? Favourite band/sport/ activity? Girlfriend/boyfriend? Anything they want to ask you?

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 11:46

Thanks Beka, yeah we speak loads, they are very open with me too, i know we have a good relationship. Its difficult now there are nearing teens but i dont believe thats down to time spent.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2018 11:52

If your children are happy, and your mum and friend are happy to have them all day then that's fine but maybe this is a way of your mum saying she's not happy with it? You need to ask her.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2018 11:53

*your mum's way of saying!

Toocold · 08/08/2018 11:57

How old are your relatives children? Wondering if they are younger and doesn’t realise that they need you less physically when older but more emotionally? 12 is an awkward age, too old for lots of things, but too young for others and there is nothing wrong with a movie afternoon or working full time, you’re showing a good example of a strong ( I assume!) woman. You have bills to pay, what do they expect you to do?

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 11:59

if my mum cannot watch my children for any reason she will tell me and i will book time off or make other plans. I can take time off in the school holidays unpaid but need the money. When they went to high school smy mum was upset she wouldnt see them before and after school. My friend is my neighbour and my children play with hers, she offered to keep an eye on them and they enjoy it.

OP posts:
Toocold · 08/08/2018 11:59

As above, I assume you know who their friends are, favourite band, hobby etc and aren’t just disappearing for days at a time constantly, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t the case!

loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2018 12:02

Was your mum happy with the agreement in the first place?

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:04

my relatives children are 35 and 32?

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/08/2018 12:06

You are managing your dc and work/home life balance just fine, imho.

Perhaps that is the wrong focus here: you could manage your time around this relative better, meaning that is the problem. Not seeing her as much was a good step, but apparently not enough.

I would be cautious about your dc being around her as well. Is she poisoning them against you?

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:11

Yes my mum is very happy with the arrangement and has helped with my kids since they were born, she is not afraid to speak her mind. Relative has no issue with me working full time as most parents do when their children are at high school. They are old enough to be in on their own but my mum would rather have them which is great. Relative just recently stuck their nose in about me spending more time with them so i'm asking how that is possible. given the above activities have been every weekend for the past 6 weekends?? oh and a theme park trip.
Said relative also makes comments about us eating out (with the kids)
We have a holiday booked for new year and our summer holiday booked for next year.

And no i never dissapear for days at a time? i would understand where the relative was coming from if i was doing that. I cant remember my last night out prior to saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:14

If my children saw their dad regularly they would be seeing me even less at weekends. My kids love their step dad and so not to drip feed have no interest in their dad, he can see them whenever he wants (unless we are busy) but he puts himself first.

OP posts:
Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:15

this opinion is purely from this relative. i do as much as if not more with my kids than most people. Just wondered what things i could do in an evening. Ive told my daughter she can help me cook tea, my son does not want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:29

said relative also makes comments when she finds out i take the children food shopping and used to offer to watch them for me... i now shop online as i was made to feel guilty for taking my kids shopping every once in a while.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 08/08/2018 12:35

Hi OP: you sound like you are doing fine. I share care 60:40 with my ex but I work full time (from home). Some days I feel the only time I have with them is when they go down to bed and I sit and chat to them before sleep. Its the best time as they aren't distracted, I haven't got 1001 other things to do.

Its HARD being a single parent and working full time. You can't do much more than you are. Just make sure all the quality time you have together is undistracted by tablets/ phones etc.

Life is busy, you have a household to run and work full time, ignore the person who said that to you.

Cricrichan · 08/08/2018 12:39

I have a 12 year old and we get on great and as I work from home can spend as much time with me as she chooses. However, she is very busy with friends, having sleepovers, hanging out etc which I totally understand. You do lots with your kids and the fact they want to spend so much time with you shows what an amazing mum you are. Ignore your relative - you're all happy so that's all that matters.

Original poster
notagain123456 · 08/08/2018 12:48

Thankyou, my husband has just sent me a lovely text telling me what an amazing mum i am which has made me cry a little bit. I'm not 100% perfect and thats ok. my kids play out, have regular sleepovers both at home and at friends houses. This relative wants me to spend time doing things like walking and parks which we do do but not because its expected of me.

This relative makes comments about how hard it must be not having their dad around and how i need to be do more with them to make it better but my kids are fine!

this relative has no clue and thinks mums should be with their kids 24/7 and would actively encourage me to not have them see their dad which is not right and contradicts her comments about how hard it must be. i go with the flow with regards to when they see him.

OP posts:
llangennith · 08/08/2018 12:49

When my youngest two were 12 and 13 they loved coming shopping with me mainly to make sure their junk food went into the trolley as well as my healthy boring food shopping. We'd chat in the car on the way home, they'd help carry the bags in, then disappear to do their own stuff for hours.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2018 12:50

You're all happy with the set-up. Tell the relative to do one!